Is This What REALLY Happened....??

[Warph]

Facts Suggest Vets delayed Own Tests To Make King Obuma Look Bad

After the recent revelation of long wait times and delays in care at VA hospitals shocked the nation, congressional Democrats from both houses and independent journalists undertook their own investigation to determine the cause of the problem.

What they found was shocking: evidence of a coordinated conspiracy among numerous ill veterans to avoid seeking medical care and blame their subsequent problems on President Obama.

"It's racism pure and simple." said one congressional staffer who played a tape recording of a VA patient telling an undercover investigator "I'm supposed to go for a colonoscopy next week but I'm gonna skip it and blame it on Obama if I get sick."

"I know it sounds an awful lot like me," the staffer said of the tape, "but it is a VA patient. Trust me."

While on the surface, it seems incredible and even bizarre that anyone would go to such lengths to embarrass a politician they dislike, it is consistent with the pattern of racism that has emerged since the coronation of the country's first black president in January 2009.

Recently for example, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) revealed that while the Affordable Care Act aka ObamaCare has been wildly successful beyond anyone's dreams; it would be even more so if not for a concerted effort by racists who desire it to fail:


"I'll be able to dig up some emails that make part of the Affordable Care Act that doesn't look good - especially from people who made up their mind that they don't want it to work because they don't like the president. Maybe he's of the wrong color, something of that sort. I've seen a lot of that and I know a lot of that to be true. It's not something you're meant to talk about in public but it's something I'm talking about in public because that is very true."

"If they're writing emails, you know they're serious about sabotaging it, those are prima facie evidence," a well-paid intern on the senator's staff told us. "I mean, people don't take the trouble to email if they're just kidding around. That's what Twitter and Facebook are for."

"I can just see them racists sitting there and hitting RESET and ENTER over and over again on the healthcare.gov website, and cursing President Obama each time they get a 404. They're vicious, I tell ya!"

Frighteningly enough, it appears these latest trumped-up scandals are part of an intense, multi-front racist effort to discredit the president. The opening shot was the revival of the stale two-year-old already-explained Benghazi fiasco last month.

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) put this "scandal" in its proper perspective for all reasonable people:


"I seem to remember our history. After reconstruction, when people of color gained political presence throughout the south, they drummed up all kinds of things, indictments and accusations, they drove these people out of the south. Some went to Chicago, some came here to Washington D.C. And I see the same kind of efforts to discredit this president and this administration."


Famous investigative journalist and perpetual victim of bad hairstyling Eleanor Clift recently once again debunked the Benghazi accusations against the president:


"I'd like to point out that Ambassador Stevens was not 'murdered'," she said, bending her fingers in the air to suggest the drawing of quote marks, "but died of smoke inhalation in a CIA safe room."


Another journalist put it more bluntly: "It's safe to say racists in the CIA murdered him to make Obama look bad."

Even more startling, however, is the realization that the efforts to make Barack Obama look bad did not start in 2009 or even in the 21st century, but actually began in the 1780s. Investigative blogger Ezra Klein explains the facts to readers of low intelligence:

Klein makes the argument that it is unfair to expect Obama to succeed when the presidency is designed to be ineffective. In Klein's view, instead of blaming Obama for being an absentee president, we should be scolding James Madison and Alexander Hamilton for crafting a Constitution that didn't provide a president with the ability to govern because of the checks and balances incorporated into the system.


"The racism in this country is sickening!" chanted all living MSNBC commentators in unison. "It's obvious the Tea Party was plotting against Barack Obama nearly two centuries before he was born. If that's not racism, what is?"

Experts are at a loss to explain why so many seemingly normal people are consumed by such hatred for President Obama.

"You take former President Bush," said one psychologist wearing a "Buck Fush" T-shirt. "On the surface, he seems like a nice guy, always smiling like a chimp. So you tell me why he started two unnecessary wars to ensure that 10 years later the VA hospitals would be overloaded and make America's first black president look bad! How do you explain that, huh?"

"I don't understand what drives people to irrational hatred, but I'm sure it has something to do with the Koch Brothers," mused Senator Harry Reid (D-NV).

"I don't know what the next phony scandal to arise around Barack Obama will be," said future House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, "but one thing I know for sure: racist hatred of the president will be behind it. It always is."

[Warph]

Hillary Clinton Reveals What It's like To Be Poor In America

Hillary Clinton has served America for decades; in January 1993, she made history as she became the country's first co-president along with her husband, Bill.

After her tour in the White House ended, she answered the call from her adopted state of New York and voluntarily gave up a lucrative career trading cattle futures to act as one of only two US senators from that state.

In 2008, after tirelessly devoting herself to helping Barack Obama become America's best president, she looked forward to retiring to a quiet life in a small cottage somewhere. Once again her country called, pleading with her to act as Secretary of State because President Obama, who would've been better than anybody at the job, was simply too busy to do it himself.

After four extremely successful years in the post, Ms. Clinton was on duty at 3 AM in the White House War Room when a call came in, informing her the extreme Tea Party wing of the Libyan Republican Party attacked the U.S. embassy in Benghazi. The date was Sept 11, 2012.

She immediately ordered the U.S. military to parachute her into the compound so she could take command. The Joint Chiefs balked, saying that the embassy was seven thousand miles away and by the time she got there, the attack would be over.

"What difference does it make?" she said softly, "Get me there now!"

The Chiefs relented. But, as they feared, by the time she arrived it was too late; president Obama's poll numbers were already starting to fall.

Not wishing to see America's best president lose the 2012 election to a rich guy whose campaign platform was to declare War on Womyn, Hillary bravely fell on her sword (and maybe a bottle of liquor or two) and took the blame for the embassy attack. The gambit worked and President Obama was easily re-elected, saving the country from the clutches of Bain Capital.

But the price was steep: Hillary suffered a concussion from falling on her sword and her doctors told her she could never parachute into enemy action again. Not content to be a mere figurehead as Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton retired in 2013 to devote herself to growing flowers, writing books, and making cookies.

Her injuries from Benghazi and her 1996 arrival under sniper fire in Bosnia still give her pain, but the physical scars are not what bother her the most. For, in spite of her decades of selfless service to America, decades in which she never forgot her fellow Americans, she recently revealed the great disappointment in her life: Americans had often forgotten about her. As she recently revealed to esteemed, accredited, impartial, state-approved TV journalist Diane Sawbucks: "We came out of the White House not only dead broke but in debt."

Ms. Clinton went on to reveal the depths of the degradation her family was subjected to, being forced to make speeches for $200,000 a pop and pick up deposit bottles and cans out of the alleys behind expensive hotels (but mostly make speeches for $200,000 a pop) in order to make ends meet.


"It is shocking, simply shocking that America can cast aside its fallen heroes so readily," said another nearly destitute Democrat senator, on his way to promote a documentary movie about the hold right wing billionaires have on the country.

"The Koch Brothers don't care who they hurt!"

"The country wouldn't treat wounded veterans so poorly", said Senator Elizabeth Warren, herself so impoverished she was forced to accept a $525,000 advance for a new book in order to keep vichyssoise and caviar on the table.

"But just because a leader is a civilian womyn lawyer, the patriarchy feels it's OK to treat you like dirt!"

"A few years ago, they wanted to send her and Barack Obama for coffee," said former co-president Bill.

But most party leaders took a less confrontational tack. "Look," said one high ranking party official and real estate salesperson, "Hillary's had some rough times financially but she's not looking for a handout. She wants to work!"

"All she wants is a job commensurate with her skills. You wouldn't offer a broke Picasso a job painting houses, you can't offer Hillary Clinton a job as CEO of a paint company."

The time has come where we, America, repay our debt to Hillary Clinton by finding a position for her, something that would pay enough to get her back on her feet but still allow her some time for leisure activities, like travel and golf.

Maybe a nice, safe, government job. Like, say, U.S. president.

"Government is simply the name for the things we do together," states President Obama. We each play a part in this. The president's part is picking the things we do and everyone else's part is paying for those things. It's time that we pay Hillary for that. (No, I care if that makes sense or not.)

[Warph]

Dear Leader exhibits methane-powered flight to amazed onlookers!

This 'Obuma crisis' will "blow over" soon enough.   
Nothing to see here.  Move along.

[Warph]

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel was unexpectedly run over by a bus in Washington, DC today as he was reaching for a buck President Obama was trying to pass him.

No word on whether the Secretary was injured or not, as journalists are having trouble extracting him from the pile of other individuals caught under the same bus.

"The wheels of the bus go round and round," one rescuer said. "It's difficult to get close to the vehicle because you're afraid of getting hit by a spinning wheel yourself."

Witnesses said it appeared as though the driver of the bus was intentionally trying to run over Mr. Hagel, or at the very least, did nothing to try and avoid the Secretary as he stepped off the curb. A composite description assembled by authorities described the driver as a tall, skinny guy with big ears and a huge ego.

"I got the feeling he couldn't throw a baseball very well but was good at golf," noted an eyewitness on the scene.

Other witnesses had the feeling that Mr. Hagel simply did not see it coming.

"It's not unusual for him, given his performance so far as Secretary of Defense," said one defense expert.

Sources said Mr. Hagel may have been preoccupied by recent stories in the media naming him as the official who made the final decision to go ahead with the prisoner swap with the Taliban for Bowe Bergdahl:

Now the White House says Hagel made final call on Bergdahl as criticism of Obama over prisoner swap mounts. Congress learned on Monday that Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel gave final approval for the prisoner exchange that freed Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Last week, Hagel said the swap was a unanimous decision made by senior officials. Hagel is expected to defend the prisoner exchange on Wednesday in an appearance before the House Armed Services Committee.

"The man's memory is not very good if he doesn't remember important decisions," noted a White House insider. "It's no wonder he forgot he shouldn't walk in front of buses."

Whatever the ultimate cause, this latest episode continues an odd string of bus accidents involving Obama Administration officials dating back to January, 2009.

"It's like there's a curse," observed one journalist. "I'm not a superstitious womyn but if I worked in the Obama White House, I'd be really careful about buses."

[Warph]

***Out In Theaters July 15th***

Four perfect criminals are brought together by the mysterious "Niceguy" Soros to perform the perfect crime: hijack an entire country.

Lead by Mr. Pink (Obuma), they each receive marching orders detailing their part of the scheme.
You'll be shocked, horrified, and kept on the edge of your seat by this gritty crime drama inspired by a true story.

Rated R: some material not suitable for small children or people with a strong attachment to the US Constitution.

"Four stars - made my legs tingle and my voice even more shrill. ...loved every mind-numbing second." -The Huffington Post

"Intoxicating" -The New York Times

A message from NETFLIX:

If you liked this movie, you may also enjoy "All Us Progs Go To Hell," a documentary about the life and times of Senator 'Dirty' Harry Reid.

Also consider renting "O Heavenly Prog"... starring Mr. Pink...

...and "The Shaggy Prog," a comedy of errors themed on Joe Biden's career.

[Warph]

Time Magazine:
Concerned Taliban volunteers arrive to pacify
inner-city communities of Chicago

Taliban to Send Peace-Keeping Advisers to Chicago

by Igor Toutellalai-Taliban Surpreme Leader

As negotiations for the US withdrawal from Afghanistan have once again come to a halt, the Taliban Supreme Council has offered to level the playing field by sending a group of 400 battle-hardened Taliban peacekeepers to the U.S. city of Chicago, to help pacify one of the most violent regions in the Great Plains area of the North American continent.

With many years of combat experience in violent areas of their own country and having fought rebels, insurgents, villagers, urban militias, rival drug lords, as well as Soviet and American occupying forces on foot, horses, camels, donkeys, and trucks, they may be just what the Chicago city officials need to pacify their own population and bring the recently publicized murder rate under control.

Details as to the logistical challenges have yet to be worked out, but already many US officials are expressing support for the idea.

"It's heart-warming to see the human interest the Taliban has taken in the plight of our inner-city minority residents," said Michael Dristun, a State Department analyst. "We're all excited about getting a fresh perspective on how to bring peace to rough, volatile neighborhoods."

Ramadullah, a concerned Taliban chieftain from the Swat Valley in Afghanistan, who follows the local tradition of only having one name, said that his people are "very troubled by the social problems in Chicago and simply want to help."

"We read the war stories coming out of Chicago and we ask ourselves, 'Why are they still fighting when their tribal chief has been elected President in 2007 and then also in 2012?'" Ramadullah said. "In our own country, we stop killing each other once we win elections. Well, mostly."

While no easy answers are expected, Ramadullah assured he knows how to keep the kill rate in check.

"When my advisors come to Chicago, all crime and murder will disappear once we impose Sharia Law," said Ramadullah, referencing the traditional form of Islamic jurisprudence.

"After the first dozen or so public executions at Wrigley Field, even the stupidest man will understand we mean business. Then we start getting some real change."

The Taliban chieftain also sees hope for places like Detroit, whose fleeing residents have left entire neighborhoods utterly abandoned. A healthy Afghan solution to this problem would be to enroll young people into a mandatory agricultural rehabilitation program.

"Goats are good companions and can live anywhere. Put them in the cities, and they will control the weeds, as well as keep the youngsters occupied and entertained," Ramadullah said. "Young Americans will be less tempted to rape and murder others for fun if they have goats around."

Cautiously celebrating the Taliban offer as its latest diplomatic victory in Afghanistan, the White House has described it as "a positive, responsible step towards ending colonial occupation of yet another Muslim country by the imperialist Yankees."