The Daily Liberal-Progressive Report

[Warph]

ANTARCTICA — A delegation of conservative members of Congress paid a visit to the West Antarctic Ice Sheet melt today to witness firsthand what one of them called "the most beautiful expression of the free market I've ever seen."

The author of that remark, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin), said that he was awestruck after watching gigantic chunks of glacier disintegrate and crash to the sea.

"Every schoolchild in America needs to see this," he said. "This is the free market at work in the way that God and Ayn Rand intended."

Rep. Ryan said that watching the now-unstoppable Ice Sheet melt in action reaffirmed his belief in "the glory and might of free-market forces."

"Now more than ever, I believe that government needs to get out of the way of glaciers," he said.

Another member of the delegation, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), decried what she called the "alarmism" surrounding reports of the collapsing Ice Sheet.

"The Ice Sheet melt is only a problem if you live in Antarctica, which, honestly, is a pretty dumb place to live," she said. "Polar bears live in Antarctica because they have no choice, but we're not polar bears."

[Diane Amberg]

The fact checkers were aseep at the switch...no polar bears in Antartica.

[Warph]

The fact checkers were aseep at the switch...no polar bears in Antartica.

Those fact checkers are demo-rats, Diane.  That's why this is called satire.

[Warph]

LONDON – In response to the international uproar created when he reportedly compared Russian President Vladimir Putin to Hitler, His Royal Highness Prince Charles today issued the following letter of apology to the Russian people.

My dear Russians,

Yesterday, it was reported that I compared your President Putin to Hitler.  If by making this comment I have in some way offended you Russkies, I am deeply sorry.

Adolf Hitler was one of the most horrible villains in world history, and comparing President Putin to him was uncalled for.

What I should have said, and what I say to you now, is that this Putin chap can be a bit Hitlery at times.

Let's take, for example, his penchant for taking territory that doesn't belong to him and then adding it to his country and so forth.  Would you call that behavior Hitlery or not Hitlery?  From where I sit here on my bathroom throne... (fart...), it's more like something Hitler would do than something he wouldn't do, and so the verdict must be, yes, the chap is being rather Hitlery when he does that.

And, while we're on the subject, what about Putin's use of tanks?  Also very Hitlery.  Again, let me be clear: ...(farrrtt....) I am not calling him Hitler... but if you think you can use tanks and not come off a tad bit Hitlery, you're not right in the head.

Since I made my remarks, some British politicians have suggested that I abdicate my position as Prince of Wales and heir to the British throne.  In other words, they believe that I do not have the right to free speech.  If memory serves, back in the nineteen-thirties another chap went around trying to punish people for speaking their minds.  I'm not going to name names, but if the shoe fits...

Yours truly, (flush)

H.R.H. Prince Charles

[Warph]

NEW HAVEN - After a report from the Yale Center on Climate Change Communication showed that the term "climate change" elicits relatively little concern from the American public, leading scientists are recommending replacing it with a new term: "You will be burnt to a crisp and die."

Other terms under consideration by the scientists include "your cities will be ravaged by tsunamis and floods" and "earth will be a fiery hellhole incapable of supporting human life."

Scientists were generally supportive of the suggestions, with many favoring the term "your future will involve rowing a boat down a river of rotting corpses."

"Any of these terms would do a better job conveying the urgency of the problem," Tracy Klugian, a spokesperson for the newly renamed Yale Center for 'Oh My God Wake Up You A$$holes', said.

[Warph]

WASHINGTON—Congressional leaders left the White House on Wednesday "deeply frustrated" that President Obama had not found a swift resolution to the conflict between Sunnis and Shiites that began in the seventh century A.D.

After meeting for more than an hour with the President in the Oval Office, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed disappointment that Mr. Obama "came up empty" when asked for a plan to heal the rift between the two religious groups, which began in the year 632.

"All we ask of this President is that he do one thing: settle a religious conflict that has been going on for a millennium and a half," McConnell said. "What did he offer today? Nothing."

Speaker of the House John Boehner acknowledged that there was a possibility that Obama might find a way to resolve the centuries-old Sunni-Shiite conflict, but the Ohio Republican was not optimistic.

"This struggle between Sunnis and Shiites has been going on for almost fifteen hundred years," he said. "That means President Obama has had ample time to fix it."