The Daily Liberal-Progressive Report

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***  The Daily Liberal-Progressive Report ***
(brought to you by that ol' Smoothie, Dulcolax)

"You might be a liberal progressive if You think people who make above minimum wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent."

AUSTIN, Texas — With an eye toward a Presidential run in 2016, Rick Perry, the Texas governor, is hoping that a two-pronged strategy of wearing glasses and not speaking will make him appear smarter to voters, aides to the Governor confirmed today.

"After the 2012 Republican primary, we knew that we needed to solve what we called the Governor's smartness problem," said Harland Dorrinson, an aide to Perry. "The fix that we came up with was glasses, but, as it turned out, that was only half the solution."

After outfitting Perry with designer eyewear, aides sent him on the road to reintroduce himself to voters, but the response, Mr. Dorrinson said, was underwhelming: "The problem was, he was still talking."

A round of focus groups convinced aides that only through a combination of wearing glasses and not emitting any sounds could Perry overcome voters' initial impressions of him.

At a recent political stop in San Antonio, the newly minted Governor Perry was on display, wearing his glasses and gesticulating expressively while saying nothing for thirty minutes.

"Our focus groups show people no longer know what Rick Perry is thinking," said Mr. Dorrinson. "That's a huge improvement."

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***  The Daily Liberal-Progressive Report ***
(brought to you by that ol' Smoothie, Dulcolax)

"You might be a liberal-progressive if you paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg
once used by John F. Kennedy"

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling offered a "total and remorseful" apology for his racist comments today, telling reporters, "Once I saw that Donald Trump was defending me, I knew I had done something horribly wrong."

Sterling acknowledged that he had turned a blind eye to a mountain of criticism from basketball luminaries and national leaders, but said that seeing Trump defend him on Fox News on Monday had left him "shaken."

"Look, I know I'm not perfect," he said. "But when Donald Trump takes your side, you have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, 'Have I become some kind of monster?'"

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Sterling Says He Will Miss Being Around People He Hates

 

LOS ANGELES  —  After being banned by the N.B.A. Tuesday afternoon, the Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling told reporters that he would miss being around people he hates.

"Sure, I'm saddened by this," Sterling said. "Sitting in the stands night after night, a boiling cauldron of hatred bubbling inside me—it doesn't get better than that. Those were good times."

"Knowing that I'll never be able to sit in that arena again and look down on the people I despise—that hurts the most," he said.

Looking back on his three-decade tenure with the Clippers, though, Sterling said he felt some measure of satisfaction: "No one hated more people than I did, and the feeling was mutual."

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Supreme Court Calls Lying by Politicians an Expression of Their Religion

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States declared on Tuesday that lying by politicians is protected by the First Amendment because it is an expression of their religion.

By a 5–4 majority, the Court struck down an Ohio law that would make it harder to lie in political ads, arguing instead that "any attempt to restrict or punish lying by politicians is an unconstitutional infringement on a religion they have practiced for decades."

The Court's decision won praise from politicians of both parties, with many saying that the Justices' recognition of lying as a religion was "long overdue."

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts argued, "For politicians, lying is a religious observance akin to attending a church or a synagogue, except that they do it seven days a week."

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In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down
Main Reason Country Was Started

WASHINGTON — In what legal experts are calling a landmark decision, on Monday the United States Supreme Court struck down what many believe to be the main reason the country was started.

By a five-to-four vote, the Court eliminated what grade-school children have traditionally been taught was one of the key rationales for founding the United States in the first place.

"The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years," said Justice Samuel Alito, writing for the majority. "Getting rid of it was long overdue."

Calling the decision "historic," Justice Antonin Scalia was guarded in predicting what the Court might accomplish next.

"Last year, we gutted the Voting Rights Act, and today we did the First Amendment," he said. "We'll just have to see what's left."

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Supreme Court Defends Wealthy's Right to Own Government

WASHINGTON — By a five-to-four decision, the United States Supreme Court today defended the right of the wealthiest Americans to own the United States government.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts summarized the rationale behind the Court's decision: "In recent years, this Court has done its level best to remove any barriers preventing the wealthiest in our nation from owning our government outright. And while the few barriers that remained were flimsy at best, it was high time that they be shredded as well."

Citing the United States Constitution, Justice Roberts wrote, "Our founding fathers created the most magnificent democracy in human history. Now, thanks to this decision, the dream of owning that democracy is a reality."

Justice Antonin Scalia also weighed in, telling reporters at the Court, "After all the pro-gay decisions we've been making around here lately, it was nice to finally have a win for the good guys."

Also, today...

LAS VEGAS - The casino billionaire and Republican kingmaker Sheldon Adelson met several 2016 G.O.P. candidates available for purchase over the weekend, but decided to buy none of them, Adelson confirmed today.

After hearing speeches by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, and several others who were for sale, Mr. Adelson concluded that none of them are worth owning.

"I don't want to spend millions on another loser," said Adelson, who purchased both Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney in 2012.

The casino magnate was scathing in his assessment of the candidates he declined to buy, calling them "a third-rate grab bag of has-beens and dimwits."

"I guess the Republican Party is thinking, Here comes crazy old Sheldon, he'll blow his money on the first washed-out wingnut we throw out there," Adelson said. "Well, guess again."

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WASHINGTON — Saying that "the American people are fed up with a disastrous Web site that doesn't work and never will," House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and a phalanx of congressional Republicans today unveiled their own health-care Web site, EmergencyRoom.gov.

"At EmergencyRoom.gov, every American can access the one tried-and-true health-care system that has worked in this country for decades," he said.

While Healthcare.gov has frustrated many users with its difficult-to-navigate design, Rep. Cantor said that at EmergencyRoom.gov, "Health care is just three easy steps away. One: enter your zip code. Two: see the list of emergency rooms. Three: get to the nearest one before you die."

The Virginia Republican wasted no time touting the cost savings of EmergencyRoom.gov, comparing it favorably with the notoriously expensive Obamacare site: "Unlike Healthcare.gov, which private contractors built at a cost running into the hundreds of millions, EmergencyRoom.gov was built for nine hundred dollars by my intern Josh."

And in contrast with Healthcare.gov's maze of forms, links, and phone numbers, he said, "EmergencyRoom.gov has just one phone number: 9-1-1."

In what may be the strongest selling point for the new site, Rep. Cantor said that the wait time on EmergencyRoom.gov is "virtually nonexistent," not counting the twelve to thirty-six hours spent in the actual emergency room.

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Press Release:

These days every car company claims that their latest model is environmentally friendly no matter how much it pollutes the planet and makes Indians standing by the side of a road cry bitter tears.

But what does environmentally friendly really mean? At Envia Motors, we set out to make a car without concessions to speed, performance or handling because we put the environment first.

Fueled by a dream and two billion dollars in government grant money, we challenged ourselves to see whether four community organizers with no technical knowledge or skill could create a car that would become a compulsory driving experience.

And with the Envia Discord 2015, we succeeded beyond your wildest mandated imagination.

The Discord isn't just a car. It's a political experience. It speaks to our yearnings and aspirations. And it has plastic skis permanently attached to the roof so it looks like you're always heading to a ski weekend even when you're going off to pretend to work at a non-profit to help inner city children.

Envia is all about choice. That's why the Discord 2015 comes in every color from Avocado Green to Plantain Green so that you can have your Green Car... just the way you like it. 

But the Discord isn't just environmentally friendly. Its commitment to social justice begins with steering wheels at every seat so everyone can drive. Studies show that even in multiracial families, white males are most likely to be the drivers and the Discord uses engineered disruption to sabotage the patriarchy.

Like the progressive movement, the Discord has no brakes. Because once we're moving Forward, there's never a reason to stop.

The Envia Discord 2015 also has no seat belts or airbags because... check your privilege. Most people of color around the world lack these things and it's only your sense of entitlement that leads you to expect that a car company should value your life more than that of a person of color.

Some might say that the Discord is missing something, but we prefer to think of it as the meaningful absence that the Discord brings into your life. We didn't just leave out things that every other car has to save money. With a sticker price of $395,000, that obviously was never an issue. Instead we did it as part of our mutual commitment to changing how we envision what a car is.

Car companies have encouraged consumers to see their vehicles as property to protect against the economically challenged. Envia Motors disrupts the capitalist system of property and theft by taking all the locks off the doors, the trunk and the ignition.

Anyone can enter and drive a Discord once they undergo a privilege check that connects the driver by remote satellite link to an organic public intellectual with a PhD in Social Justice. And to make it even easier, the Discord automatically advertises its location on Craigslist at every stop and encourages the oppressed urban workers and peasants to make off with it.

Despite Envia's best efforts no member of an oppressed group has chosen to redistribute a Discord, that is why we are committed to spending more money on outreach to traditionally oppressed groups.

While the Envia Discord 2015 may not have brakes, seat belts, airbags, locks or a windshield (check your privilege), the money that could have gone to those entitled safety features was instead spent on turning its bumper into an HD screen that automatically pulls the latest social justice hashtags from Twitter and displays them as bumper stickers.

The Discord 2015 is inclusive. Its seat cushions, woven out of fair trade whole grain fibers by Yamadu Indians in Bolivia, accommodate a variety of sizes and shapes. Its cup holder can blend wheatgrain smoothies and can perform emergency sex change operations for those who want to give up their cisgender privilege.

Envia Motors has also reached out to the Muslim community by programming the Discord 2015 to explode when it hears the words, "Jihad", "Allahu Akbar" or "Shiite." It will also explode when its internal CPU, which is always monitoring your conversations, hears anything racist, homophobic, transphobic, cisgender, heteronormative or any other thoughtcrimes from a list that is constantly being updated through the cloud.

Sometimes the Discord 2015 will just explode for no reason. Check your privilege.

Unlike consumer cars, the Discord has no manual. Instead it has a six year graduate course that takes you through the intricacies of Western capitalism and invites you to understand your complicity in the oppression of others.

If you refuse to educate yourself, it's your own fault.

There is also no help line. The expectation that white people should have unlimited access to the time of trans bisexual people of color is an insidious form of privilege. And our help line, which doesn't take calls, is entirely manned by trans bisexual people of color.

Check your privilege.

Everyone knows electric cars have a higher carbon footprint than ordinary petrol death machines. That's why the Discord isn't an electric car. You can put in any number of sustainable environmentally correct fuels into its tank from seaweed smoothies to Iranian Uranium... but it still won't run.

That's because the Discord is powered by people power. Literally.

To make the Discord move forward, just rope a dozen members of the bourgeois middle class to its fair trade tenterhooks. Then crack a sustainable fair trade whip over their heads until they begin moving forward at a brisk trot taking you to a conference on income inequality or to your executive offices at the Department of Health and Human Service... just in time for your four hour lunch break.

We won't lie to you. People have died in the making of the Discord 2015. And they will go on dying as Discords driven by multiple drivers with no brakes careen through urban environments leaving a trail of death in their wake. But people have always died fighting for social justice.

The Discord isn't just another car, it's a vehicle for social justice, and the blood on its grill, dashboard and tires demonstrates Envia's commitment to a better world at any cost.

At any cost.

The deaths of your loved ones at the hands of the Envia Discord 2015 invite you to check your privilege. Automobile accidents are a First World problem. In most of the world, no one can even afford to be hit by a car. The life expectancy of a child in Africa is less than 5 minutes. The gasoline that fuels ordinary petrol death machines is made out of the congealed blood of Iraqi children.

Before you join that heteronormative transphobic class action lawsuit against Envia Motors, check your privilege and ask yourself, "How much am I willing to sacrifice for social justice?"

The Discord 2015. Coming soon to California and parts of Rhode Island.

(Soooo enough of the press releases already... I'd like to see a side-by-side comparison of the 'Envia Discord' and the 'Congressional Motors Pelosi GTxi SS/RT')

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