What the "Amazing Warphster" has found lately...

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     With other foot behind my neck, doing my morning yoga, sometimes I log in just to see what the "amazing Warphster" has found lately.

MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin received "strong, unqualified words of support" last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today.

The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as "extremely collegial and enthusiastic."

"We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers," he said. "There was strong agreement on all of these matters."

Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation "exceedingly helpful." He added: "It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect."

Buoyed by last night's positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. "It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going," he said.

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KIEV - A surprise appearance by the actor John Travolta today in Kiev's Independence Square has further confused the situation in Ukraine, witnesses on the ground report.

According to several accounts, Mr. Travolta flew to Ukraine in his self-piloted private jet in the hopes of raising morale in the embattled country, but only served to perplex Ukrainians with a brief but indecipherable speech.

In his remarks, Mr. Travolta referred to Ukraine as "Cranium" and Crimea as "IKEA" before hopping back into his cockpit and flying away.

The speech rattled the nerves of the Ukrainians who heard it, according to reports.

In the words of one witness: "We are no longer sure what country we are living in."

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History Lesson Of The Day

Most Used Words In "The Gettysburg Address"

One hundred fifty years ago, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the historic Gettysburg Address at the site of the bloodiest battle of the American Civil War. Here are the words and phrases used in Lincoln's speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

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Sure, there is still healthy debate as to whether or not Barry "the rock" Barack Hussein Osama-Obuma is really an American.  History will surely judge that.  But a bigger question is; is he the worst human being to ever step foot in these great American United States of ours?

Some would argue "no", but they would also likely be the sorts who would tell you it's okay for a man to marry a fish, steal guns away from law-abiding citizens, have babies with their fathers, and "live free."

I took to the streets of Surprise, AZ to get a fair, unbiased sample of what Americans think of president drone-strike.

"There's rugs in the White House, right?" asked Marjorie Namewithheld.  "How do we know they're not Islam prayer rugs?" she rightly inquired, echoing the sentiments of so very many Americans.

"Worst American ever?" asked Jeremiah Waltersmithe, a walter smith from North Phx. "I guess since Hitler wasn't American, then yeah."

I skipped the answers from the next nine respondents before I got to Maribeth Mariples.  "I think it's clear the way he keeps adding more and more government jobs that yes, he's the worst."

Asked to rank him compared to John Wilkes Boothe and Lee Harvey Oswald, she said, "Obuma is the worst... number one.  Sham-wow guy second, all the Kardashians, then Boothe, then [the cast of] Will and Grace, Beth from church, Gavin Newsome, Lee Harvey Oswald, all the people that watch Glee, Democrats, then Satan, tow truck drivers, collection agents and then people from the IRS."

The evidence, while anecdotal at best, is clear, striking and undeniable.  Several people from a large sample in an extremely red city believe Obuma is the worst American ever, at least among those who believe he's an American.  This is proof conclusive.

Welcome to Obama's America.

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President Hussein Obuma says peacekeeping efforts have failed and a military option in Congress may be the only option.

WASHINGTON — Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress.

Admitting that diplomatic outreach efforts in the area have so far proven unsuccessful, the president claimed that his administration is weighing the feasibility of committing combat troops to both the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives in order to bring lasting peace and stability to the chaos-afflicted legislature.

"We have not yet made a decision as to how we are going to address this rapidly deteriorating situation, but at this point I can tell you that military action is indeed on the table," Obama told reporters at a morning press conference, emphasizing that he is "deeply troubled" by the escalating hostilities and diminishing prospects for unity on the Congressional floor. "Clearly, sending our young men and women into this tumultuous war zone is not ideal, and I still hope to resolve the situation through peaceful means. But as the conflict continues to worsen, it becomes increasingly evident that the deployment of our armed forces may be our only real option."

Military officials say an intervention in Congress would likely involve a three-pronged attack.

"We cannot stand idly by and allow this senseless mayhem to continue," the president continued.

According to international observers, the United States Capitol ranks as among the most turbulent and unstable regions in the world, dominated by warring factions of rogue lawmakers who have shown neither the ability nor the willingness to peacefully resolve their differences.

As conditions worsen by the day, the president confirmed to reporters that he and his military advisors are currently evaluating the merits of a military option, suggesting that his administration has left open the possibility of toppling the hostile, unpredictable leadership currently reigning over the legislative assembly and restoring order to the Capitol building.

"Our efforts at resolving this conflict through conventional, non-military means have not only failed but seemingly emboldened extremists in the region," said Obama, noting that while the United States does have some allies on the ground within the Senate, the administration has been almost completely cut off from the House for some time. "Right now there are millions of people who are hopelessly trapped under Congress' corrupt rule, and it's doubtful we'll see any kind of progress in the area without either military intervention or a full-scale revolution, which is unlikely."

The nation's armed forces are currently awaiting order for a possible invasion of the rogue U.S. legislature.

While the White House continues to explore the use of armed forces in Congress, some military experts have expressed doubts as to the prospects of such an operation, saying that a full-scale invasion of the Capitol building represents a costly and uncertain venture that could hamstring the U.S. for the foreseeable future.

"We may have to accept the fact that the deep fissures afflicting Congress are, at present, unfixable, and that we'll just have to wait the half-century or so it could take for the legislative body to achieve some kind of stability naturally from within," said retired U.S. Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel Lawrence Harley, adding that the deep divisions affecting Congress may in fact be endemic to the entire Washington region. "We are seeing similar levels of chaos and infighting in the Supreme Court and in many of the smaller cities and towns where extremists loyal to members of Congress have gained significant ground. Are we really prepared to risk American lives for what could be a lost cause?"

"Besides, the majority of the American people are barely even aware of what's going on over there," Harley added.

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Papa John's Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery

LOUISVILLE, KY — Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John's officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase. "For just a $7.95 shipping fee, you can get three medium two-topping pizzas and an order of cheese sticks delivered straight to your door within three business days," said Papa John's CEO John Schnatter, who also unveiled the company's new ground-based fleet of high-capacity pizza delivery trucks. "In cases where we miss a customer at home, our pizza carriers will affix a door tag providing instructions to pick up an order between specified hours at a nearby Papa John's location. Of course, we'll still offer our free standard shipping service, which guarantees delivery within five to seven days." Schnatter added that for just $14.95, customers would be able to have their order shipped overnight via Next-Day Express delivery.

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Ukraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory.

According to local reports this "gay army" will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to its homeland.

"Russia is one of the most homophobic nations on Earth," says Ukrainian defense minister Boris Grishenko. "We're planning to use that fact to our advantage and take back our land.

"Ukraine is a small country. We don't have a lot of tanks or battleships. And we stupidly gave up our nuclear weapons in the 1990's. But we still have plenty of gays, and if there's one thing Russians fear more than atomic warfare it's explicit displays of homosexuality.

"It will start small. Just a simple parade with a few hundred shirtless men. But once the Lady Gaga starts blasting, things are gonna get wild. Hopefully all the pumping, grinding and gyrating will have them headed for the hills."

In the Navy

Russian soldiers have occupied the Crimean peninsula  following a revolution in Ukraine which swept a pro-European government to power.

Ukraine and the West believe Russia is unlawfully occupying another nation's territory. Moscow claims it is simply safeguarding the interests of the Russian-speaking population amid the recent turmoil.

Efforts to end the crisis though diplomacy have so far come to naught, as European and American sanctions appear to be having little effect. But interviews with the occupying forces suggest that Ukraine's new strategy just might do the trick.

"It's not worth it. I'm leaving," says one soldier, "I can take bullets. I can take bombs. But if Ukraine sends any gay people my way I'm going home. I didn't sign up for this shit."

Recruitment for the campaign has reportedly been strong, with nearly half of Kiev's gay male community signed up for the patriotic task of retaking Crimea.

"Fighting homophobia and Putin at the same time? Sign me up." says Victor, a 34 year old hairdresser, "My partner and I are marching together and we're bringing the full set of (blank). I can't wait."

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History Lesson Of The Day

Most Used Words In The 'I Have A Dream' Speech'

Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his historic "I Have a Dream" speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial 50 years ago.  Above are the words and phrases used in King's speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

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Photos of the week

Local women watch armed men, believed to be Russian soldiers, assemble near a Ukrainian military base in Perevalnoe March 5, 2014.

A frontier's Bullwinkle from the People's Liberation Army jumps through a ring of fire as part of training in Heihe, Heilongjiang province, China March 5, 2014.

A woman looks through a damaged entrance door as pro-Russian Bullwinkle Demonstrators hold a rally outside the regional government building in Donetsk, Ukraine March 3, 2014

Secretary of Nonsense Lurch adjusts his name holder as he attends the Conference on International Support to Libya in Rome March 6, 2014.

A giant storm cloud can be seen in the sky above swimmers near Mollymook-Bullwinkle Beach, south of Sydney March 5, 2014

The body of a man is seen tied to a soccer goal post after al Qaeda militants shot him to death accusing him of spying for the United States outside al-Shihr city of the southeastern Yemeni province of Hadhramout March 6, 2014.

A woman kisses a Ukrainian serviceman through the gate as he stands on the territory of a military unit located in the village of Lyubimovka near a local airfield, some 80 km (50 miles) southwest of Simferopol, Crimea's capital March 3, 2014.

A woman sits with a Great Bullwinkle during the first day of the Crufts dog show in Birmingham, central England March 6, 2014.