When did gifts become expectations?

[CrumCowgirlMama]

I am a subscriber to Country Woman magazine and absolutley love the articles. I was reading past issues last night when I came upon this article. I completely agree with the writer of it and I thought I would share the article for others to read...

From the How I See It column in Country Woman

"When did gifts become expectations?" by Barbara Stanley

I remember my wedding and baby showers in the early '70's. Those showers were great country get-togethers with lots of good country foods, baked goods, coffee, and iced tea. There were fun, silly games and humorous prizes for the winners.
I wasn't "listed" at any expensive department stores, and I didn't tell anyone where to shop or how much money to spend. Back then, we accepted each gift with great appreciation. It did not matter if the gift was handmade or purchased at the local dollar store.
If we received three electric can openers, then so be it. Everyone knows that spares are great because no can opener can last forever. We sent thank-you notes within two weeks of returning from the honeymoon.
Today, shower invitations are sent with explicit instructions on what to buy and where to buy it. Hostesses are expected to take out a loan to buy fancy food and even baby furniture. Newlyweds expect guests to pitch in and buy that expensive china cabinet or high-priced sofa set. When did gifts become expectations?
I don't know what went wrong, but I don't participate in the "new" way of doing things. If you send me an invitation, please note that I will buy as nice a gift as I can afford at the store of my choosing. If you aren't satisfied, then you need to learn some good country manners that you somehow missed when you were growing up.


Now, I'm only 20 years old, and the mother of one child. But I agree with the writer. We have gone to so many weddings where the bride and groom had listed so many expensive gifts on their registry. When my friends were getting married, I asked them, "What is it you need?". She told me, and that's what I bought. I also made another friend a hand-made cookbook of my favorite recipes, as well as those that I use frequently. I thought it was a very nice gesture. Christmas is the same way, people expect nice, expensive things. It's sad that these special times have turned into this. I may be a young girl, but I believe I have good country values. 

[genealogynut]

A  big country "AMEN" to that!  I totally agree.   When I was married I was tickled to get any gift, large or small, whatever.  I wasn't picky or persnickety. In gift-giving, it should be from the heart, not the pocket-book.  It is a shame, that greed seems to have taken over.

It makes one wonder what happened to old-fashioned country manners. 

[Teresa]

I agree 200%
And what makes me mad is when the recipient of the gift just sits there and doesn't act excited to get the gift or doesn't openly thank the giver or even show any kind of appreciation. Just opens it and sets it aside and looks "tolerant".

Makes me just want to get up , take my gift back and leave.
But I don't. I just internally stew and wonder WHY gracious manners are not taught today. Then later talk about how horrible it was.. 

I don't care if you gave me or my family a marshmellow in a paper bag, we would be excited and let the giver know that we appreciated the gift..( it is the least that you can do after that person took the time to shop and wrap and pay for the gift) I taught my kids early to act excited..and to say thank you with a big healthy smile attached to it. , even if they don't like the purple striped hat that Aunt Glady's gave them. 

The last shower I went to was ......well I was embarrassed for the lack of not even one time did .............................
Oh never mind.. I better hush up.

[Wilma]

When I was married, 58 years ago, a girl that I went to school with and her sister, who were neighbors of ours, gave me a shower in their home.  Only neighbor women, school chums and close relatives were invited.  It wasn't a place for men.  Gifts weren't fancy or expensive, but very much appreciated as I didn't have anything.  We met in May, had our first date on July 4 and were married August 6 of the same year.  Not enough time to accumulate household items.  This marriage lasted 56 years, to the day he died.

Almost all of the gifts were necessary items.  His aunt gave us a setting for 4 of dishes which I really appreciated.  I only had 2 plates, 2 cups, etc., that my mother had taken from her own cupboard.  We invited my younger brother to eat with us, but he had to bring his on tableware.

Probably the nicest gift was a cake plate, and the only item that I still have.  I used it only for special occasions and never for children's events.  Yes, times have changed, but I don't think that newlyweds are any happier for their affluence.  It isn't the things you have that make your life worth living.  It is the person you are living with.  Don't you agree, Lois?

[genealogynut]

Yes, Wilma, I agree.  It's so sad how most (not all) of the younger generation seem to attach importance on material things.  And those material things can dissappear in a flash (fire, tornado, etc).  As the old song goes.........".Money Can't Buy Me Love."

If I were told how much to spend on a gift, or what gift was demanded or expected, that person would be getting ZILCH from me.  I would know right away that the gift would not be appreciated. The type of occasion that Teresa described, I am afraid I would not tolerate that very well, as the recipient sounds like they're nothing but ungrateful fakes.

[Janet Harrington]

Let me tell you abut my first shower.  When I was married the first time, I didn't receive or I should say, was not thrown a shower by the United Methodist women of Severy which was done by these ladies for every new bride that was a member of the church.  My shower was thrown after I had been married 9 months or more.  I guess to be sure that I wasn't going to have a baby.  I wonder if I had been given that wonderful gift of life if I would have had a shower of not.

My second shower, (when I married Jimmy boy), was thrown by the ladies that I drank coffee with every morning at the S & J Cafe.  Louise Morgan, Shelby Perkins, Viola Chanchellor, Margaret Gragg, Phyllis Friend, Pauline Smith, Pat Preston, and Pat Allen.  I probably left someone out.  Oh, it was a fun shower.  Now understand that Jim and I already had household items.  We got alot of towels which I love to this day.  A family can never have enough towels.  I got 2 sets of dishes that I still have.  This shower was thrown out of love and not out of duty.  It was the best and the ladies that were hostesses were the best.

One more thing.  I had never heard the story about my Mother's shower.  I never even knew when mother and daddy met or when they had their first date.  I did know when they got married.  Isn't my Mother something?

[genealogynut]

I  loved reading about your shower, Janet.  A person could just "feel" the caring, joy, warmth, and love, and that's what makes a true and honest bridal shower.

I maintain that in a bridal shower, just the essential items to get a couple started, should be sufficient.  Anything elegant or extra fancy, the couple should have to  work and buy that for themselves and not expect someone to "gimme, gimme, gimme."  If they had to work long, hard hours to buy that fancy stuff themselves, they may think twice before giving it a throw in their heated arguments.

I have another question, and that is WHY aren't the younger generation taught to send "thank you" notes for any gift they receive?  In past years, I have taken the time to prepare, make gifts, wrap them, mail them, and not get ONE WORD of "thanks, or "I received your gift." or "kiss my grits" or anything.  I was always taught it was very rude not to acknowledge the gift.  So anymore, I do not even bother to send any gifts to these people, as the gifts appear to be unappreciated.   Enough said.

[Wilma]

These no thank you notes is the reason my grandchildren and greatgrandchildren don't get money in their birthday cards any more.  Most of the time I don't even know if they got the card.  There is an exception, isn't there always.  Last month a great granddaughter had a birthday and her little brother, (I am talking 5 yrs. old) reminded her to say thank you for the card, the next time they saw me.  Two weeks later he had a birthday.  I am wondering if his reminder to thank me wasn't a reminder that he had a birthday coming up, too.  I haven't seen him since then.  They have a rural mail box and I can imagine their feelings when they get mail addressed to them. 

[indygal]

A tale of two brides...

I was 17 when I married my high school sweetheart, and I had our first child before I graduated high school. We were married by a justice of the peace and had no reception or honeymoon. We also had  no shower. The only wedding gifts we received were from immediate family, and I remember exactly what they were: a Chicago Cutlery kitchen knife, a 3 1/2 qt. Farberware pan, a set of bed linens, a trinket box with $100 in it, and some used furniture from our parents. When our son was born, there was no baby shower. We were married 22 years and raised two fine children.

The other bride is my sister, who waited until she was in her mid-20s to marry. She and her fiance bought their house before their wedding, which was lavish and well-attended. I still remember their minivan AND ours filled to the brim with the wedding gifts they received at the reception that later joined a half-filled room of gifts at their home. I'm sure there were at least two bridal showers, and there were showers for both of her babies. She and her hubby just celebrated 20 years, and are also raising two great kids.

This is not meant as a sour-grapes story, but it does seem I was punished for being a teen mother. It also seems the newlyweds and newly-parents most in need of a little generosity didn't get it, but the couple who didn't need it got more than enough. (BTW, my sis was registered at fine department stores for her china, silver, crystal, etc. When she received several place settings of china as gifts, she returned them to the department store and used the refund money to purchase the same pattern from a wholesale dealer she knew. Got her fancy eatin' plates and some folding money to boot. Crafty wench.....)

[MarineMom]

I married and had my first 2 children in England where "showers" were unheard of. Gifts for newly weds and new parents came only from immediate family and very close friends and were of the toaster type. My sister in law got married not long after I arrived in the USA and I was floored at the amount of "loot" (her words) that she received from her four bridal showers--1 each from her family and his, 1 by her coworkers and the last one given by her friends. Family members were expected to attend all but the work one and bring a gift too each one it became a very expensive proposition Now though England has got caught up in the gimme's and they have showers there as well.