THE !9th (hic) Hole?

[Warph]

       

How to Play the Game

RULES To Swing By

*The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
*If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
*Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
*When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
*Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
*No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
*Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
*When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.


What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now the real "what if" in this story......

What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?

[Warph]

           


Bill and Shirely are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Shirely, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me"

"Oh Bill, why would you ask such a question now" You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Shirely, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three" When were they"

"Well, Bill, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan" Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked"

"Oh, Shirely, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2"

"Well, Bill, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you" Remember how Dr. Johnson came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again"

"I can't believe it! Shirely, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3"

"Well, Bill, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 15 votes short"

[Warph]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky Frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 Wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK, frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since, after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God."

[Warph]

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at airport, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the
question all golfers ask: "Do you play"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed.

[Warph]

     

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her"

"I don't know. Four'five'six'put me down for a four."