Senior News for Elk Co.

[Janet Harrington]

Jarhead, she is going to get you.

[Warph]

Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads.  Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well.  Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona.


**Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

**Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

**I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

**Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

**Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

**80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

**Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.



Young people have their sneaky acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes.
Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas: 

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOD - Bring Your Own Depends

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!


Hope these help, 
*GGLKI

[Teresa]

Jarhead, she is going to get you.

I already did... He's a few watermelons short and his 'tamaters' were delicious!! Hey~~ a girl guarding melons with her melons had to have something to keep her energy up. Especially in this heat..

[Warph]

Andy Griffith died at age 86.  I'm still a sucker when it comes to watching his re-runs on TVLand... some I know I've seen four or five times.   It turns out, he was Moravian, a church with Reformation roots going back to John Hus, with a big influence of Lutheran Pietists.
..Warph (GGLKI) 

From journalist Andrew Herrmann:


'Do the right thing' — Andy Griffith left lessons for the greater good
BY ANDREW HERRMANN July 4, 2012 6:00PM
http://www.suntimes.com/news/otherviews/13570545-452/do-the-right-thing-andy-griffith-left-lessons-for-the-greater-good.html



"Ahh . . . this is Andy Griffith. I'm looking for ah . . . Andrew Herrmann. Call me back?"

So went the voicemail Griffith left me back in the mid-1990s, when I was the religion reporter for the Chicago Sun-Times. I kept it for years, squirreled away in my saved-messages bank until the company switched phone systems and, alas, it was lost.

I liked to play it for people in the newsroom. Nothing to it really, but folks got a kick out of hearing the voice of an American icon.

Covering faith matters, I had reached out to Griffith because he had put out a new CD — that's how music used to come back then. It was a collection of traditional gospel songs he titled "I Love to Tell the Story." Griffith would kill time on the set of Matlock playing his guitar and singing; an impressed country star, Randy Travis, guest starring on one episode, put Griffith in touch with his music producer. The collection sold more than 1 million copies. "Mr. Jesus has let me become a singer again," Griffith said at the time.

On the God beat, I was always talking to interesting people about how religion shaped their lives — and not necessarily people you would normally connect with faith: Former Gov. Jim Edgar describing how, when he was a child, a Charleston church fed his family when they were broke and hungry.



The founder of the Wendy's hamburger chain, Dave Thomas, explaining the "roll-up-your-sleeves" Christianity he learned from his Grandma Minnie.

Cubs pitcher Jose Bautista showing me the Star of David he wore around his neck and how his Judaism helped lift him during his up-and-down career.

Griffith's story was rooted in the Moravian Church, a Christian sect started in Eastern Europe that sent missionaries to the U.S. in the 1700s — one group founded Winston-Salem, N.C. As a teenager, Griffith was attracted to Grace Moravian Church in Mount Airy, N.C. because the minister gave music lessons. Grace had a brass band and Griffith wanted to play the trombone.

Griffith studied to become a Moravian clergyman at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and, after a semester or two, he asked his bishop if he could prepare for the ministry by majoring in music. The bishop said no.

Griffith dropped the idea of becoming a pastor, but he eventually took his brand of preaching to a different venue: "The Andy Griffith Show," a weekly, half-hour morality play about life in a small town.



There were winks and nods to his faith: The local All Souls Church was led by the Rev. Hobart M. Tucker — he of the unforgettable sermon: "Dice Are Loaded Against the Evil Doer." Another episode featured American and Russian diplomats meeting in the basement of Mayberry's Moravian Church.

On Tuesday, hours after the news of Griffith's death, Tony Haywarth, Grace Moravian Church's current pastor, put out a statement thanking God "for the place Andy has in our hearts, for his wonderful Christian ministry, and for the joy he continues to bring into this world."

Kathie D. Schoenborn, Grace's church secretary, told me she thought his brand of faith came through in his Mayberry character.

On the show "he was always trying to persuade people to do the right thing" — not just what was best for his character but for the greater good, she said.

Indeed — a message worth saving.

....Andrew Herrmann is editor in chief of Sun-Times Media's West Suburban Publishing Group.

[Warph]

[Warph]

A Godfather in the mob finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his 80 year old attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The old attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again! The old attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Warph]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law...But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the Governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the President."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"


     

[Warph]

 

[Patriot]

I already did... He's a few watermelons short and his 'tamaters' were delicious!! Hey~~ a girl guarding melons with her melons had to have something to keep her energy up. Especially in this heat..

Smoke n mirrors... I asked your husband, and he said those were honey do melons... honey do this n honey do that!

[Warph]