Choices...

[Warph]

 

  A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It

  was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View

  restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson,

  that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her

  and they can ride their bikes there.



  Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should

  meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View

  restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there

  was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.



  Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and

  if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.



  Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice

  boobs and wore tight pants.



  Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good

  and fish is good for your cholesterol.



  Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird

  special.



  Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was

  handicapped accessible.



  Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where

  they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean

  View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Warph]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the Whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course." replied the American.

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. That's why it's called Wrigley's."

[Warph]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.  In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it.  Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that!  Here's a picture of my Daddy." He bought the 'picture mirror', but on the way home he remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.  So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.  One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.  As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' 'round with."

[Warph]

         

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.  It's doing very well.  He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Warph]

People born before 1946 were called The Silent and powerful generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

[Warph]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink!' Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of ...

Can you guess it?

... Mount and Do.

But wait! There's more....

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Warph]

[Warph]

This one is a little dated back before DVD's when movies were on tape.

A blonde decides to do something really wild. Something she
hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static", she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?" the clerk asks.

"Head Cleaner."

[Warph]

A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?"

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Warph]

On the lighter  side.... 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.  I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.