STUDY TERMINATED DUE TO TERRIBLE ANIMAL CRUELTY BY EMT's

[Warph]

                         

Delaware, South New Jersey - A novel study designed to test the possibility of using chimpanzees as ambulance attendants has been prematurely halted because of animal safety concerns by EMT's and EMS's, brought to light by the watchdog group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

                     
Researchers at the Southwestern Primate Center in Delaware, S.N.J. and the University of South Jersey School of Medicine began the innovative study two years ago.  Four western chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes verus) who had mastered sign language were taught an abbreviated first aid course and assigned to work on ambulances in Delaware, New Jersey.  The primates were paired with a human Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) who was sorta skilled in sign language.

                     
The chimpanzees reportedly mastered basic first aid skills such as bandaging, splinting, oxygen administration, CPR, and learned to use a life-saving device known as an Automted External Defribrillator (AED) used to start the hearts of heart attack victims.  The first three weeks of the study went well.

However, as the study progressed, the chimps began to show signs of stress due to the EMT's picking at them and stealing there lunches.  At the scene of an accident, one chimp inadvertently bandaged a tree.

On another accident scene, the ambulance chimp fled the scene with the EMT's lunch which was his in the first place.  As the study progressed, the behavior of the chimps became more bizarre.  While attending an elderly victim of a stroke, one chimp said to the victim in sign language, "My panties are on fire and in need of oranges."  On another call, one chimp began to massage his genitals  while howling like an ambulance siren.

PETA had primate zoologists evaluate the animals and determined their workloads caused the decline in functioning.  This was attributed to a process used by ambulance services called System Status Management (SSM) where ambulance drivers remain in their ambulances for extended periods of time without a break or use of their cell phone.  Also, some of the chimps were given only a limited amount of oranges and bananas while the EMT's ate the rest of the chimps food.

Following termination of the experiment, one of the chimps was returned to the primate center, two were assigned to the ambulance dispatch office, and one was promoted to management.

                       

[Diane Amberg]

Now that is really funny! But it's "their", not "there." Here, have a banana. It's the chimp's food, not chimps food. In EMT school spelling does count.

[Warph]

Now that is really funny! But it's "their", not "there." Here, have a banana. It's the chimp's food, not chimps food. In EMT school spelling does count.

Allright... wher'ed you get that banana   Igor is missing his banana.  See... that's what I'm talking about!  The fruit belongs to the chimps.  It is there fruit. They aint gots anymore, you et it all.

[Diane Amberg]

  I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and eating.....a banana. I've actually said four of the things on that lies list. Which four?

[Warph]

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and eating.....a banana. I've actually said four of the things on that lies list. Which four?

2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 15, 17 and 9

[Diane Amberg]

Ha! 2, 5, 8, and 9