Stupid Patents

[Warph]

12 Gauge Golf Club - US Patent Issued In 1979

Golf game got you down?  Now you can have explosive drives every time with the 12 Gauge Golf Club!  This special woody features a barrel, muzzle and a trap door in the rear for loading your explosive charge.  The firing pin is aligned with the clubs sweet spot for blasting your balls into oblivion (careful).

Sure, the golf course is going to sound like a firing range and your clubs recoil may take out a few spectators, so we think it may be time to start the new XGT - Xtreme Golf Tour.

                                             

                                             Actual Patent Illustration - All Inventions Hold Real USA Patents



Diaper Alarm - US Patent Issued In 1980

Are you tired of sticking your fingers down a wet diaper for moisture verification?  How else will you know if your baby's diaper is wet again?  If you had the detachable Diaper Alarm you would be alerted when new wetness dampens baby's butt and keep your fingers dry in the process!

To use: simply clamp the sensor onto the diaper and when your baby gets wet, a mild electrical conduction along your baby's newly dampened skin activates blinking lights and an audible alarm signaling "Hey Mom, time to change this thing!"  Is it just us or do you think there is something a little wrong with combining babies, electricity and water?

 

[Warph]

Anti-Eating Mouth Cage
US Patent Issued In 1982


The holidays are a time to celebrate (there's a holiday coming up soon somewhere in the world every week).  And you know what the holidays mean... Eat! Feast! Food!  The holidays just wouldn't be the same without a little overindulgence in the chow arena, but overeating leads to health problems and our inventor says that it's a foregone conclusion that chefs, housewives that cook and restaurant employees who are constantly subjected to food will overeat their way into obesity.  His solution?  The Anti-Eating Mouth Cage! 




The Mouth Cage is designed to allow you to breath and speak but not eat due to the food barrier that's mounted on your face.  Just in case you are temped by that perfect pie that's calling out to you, the Mouth Cage is actually locked onto your head, so you can't cheat the system. We don't know about you, be we're thinking it's just a little too creepy to have Mom and our favorite restaurant staff smiling from behind their own little personal mouth jails.  Guess it's time for some fava beans and a nice Chianti.    



Alarm Fork
US Patent Issued In 1995

Who doesn't like to eat?  Whether it's a big juicy steak or tofu casserole, everyone likes to chow down.  But American's can be a gluttonous lot and obesity abounds around our towns.  Why?  Because you people are eating too fast!  Quit inhaling your food!  Slow down, take a break and give your food some time to settle.  Slower eating leads to feeling full before you've devoured an entire ten course meal.  Less food, less weight gain.  And we're here to help, with the amazing Alarm Fork.



The rules: you can only eat when your fork gives you the green light.  That's right, once you've shoveled some food into your mouth, the fork sensors cue the fork to emit a red light.  And you know what that means, STOP!  Now wait, tick, tick, tick, tick... ding!  Green light, take a bite.  

[srkruzich]

I'd say he fubar'd the fork completely. I  could use his design and add another design feature and call lit my patent.  Now What i would do is set it up with a 25kv jolt if you put it in the mouth before the green light. That would be rather funny. Won't kill ya but it'll knock you across the room

[Diane Amberg]

You been in cahoots with a dentist?

[Warph]

Banana Head
USA Patent Issued In 1976

Can't find your club's sweet spot?  Well now you just can't miss the sweetest of spots with the ball bangin', Banana Club!  Let's hear what the inventor has to say about his crazy club's sweet spot..."This sweet spot would be more accurately defined as a spot on the club face coinciding with the center of percussion of the club when swung about an area coinciding with the handle grip of the club".  End quote.  Hmmmmm, we may need to ponder that over a cool beverage.  Set 'um up, Slappy!
                                                                                 



==================================================================

Goofy Goalies
US Patent Issued In 1989
Ready for a new type of soccer?  Maybe, as long as you don't have to be the target... er, we mean, the goalie.  According to the inventor; in this version, the goalie wears "a pair of leg surrounding girdles, similar to chaps of leather or rubber and the two teams try to impel the ball through a hoop attached to the goalie".  Wow! 

The inventor also suggests; "a conventional crotch guard is preferably employed to shield the wearer's groin area from impact with the ball."  Ouch, we vote for full-time employment.  And, we'll bet that this silly soccer, with waddling targets, where the goalie is the goal, will be exciting enough for ESPN22.

                                           

==============================================================
                                                                                               

Jump, No Rope
US Patent Issued In 2006

Everyone agrees, jumping rope is great exercise, but it has a couple of downsides.  First, your ceiling must be tall enough to accommodate your twirling rope if you are jumping indoors.  And as the inventor points out, you need some serious coordination skills or you are going to be tripping and falling more than you will be jumping.  So if the rope is the problem, what's the inventor's solution?  Rope be gone!  We don't need no stinkin' rope, we can just hold these handles in our hands and pretend to be jumping the imaginary rope.  As an added bonus, your No Rope handles have weighted balls in them to simulate the feel of a rotating rope.  Hey, if we can pretend there's a rope maybe we can sit on the sofa and just pretend we're jumping it.