Happy Independence Day

[Judy Harder]

Perfect-Mate Myth

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Do you believe the Perfect-Mate Myth? It goes something like this: "If I just had the right mate, then my life would be all right." This belief is profoundly off base. First, it assumes that we are good and our spouse is the real problem. Second, it implies that there is such a thing as a "perfect" spouse, one who is beyond the reach of sin.

This delusion keeps couples from growing the way God wants them to grow. If you're in a difficult marriage, believing this myth will prevent you from the hard work and commitment necessary to repair the relationship. To keep your relationship stable and growing you must concentrate on building your relationship with God—as a couple and as individuals. If you do that, your marriage will be strengthened and your soul will be fed.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

[Judy Harder]

False gods

O Lord, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress, to you the nations will come from the ends of the earth and say, "Our fathers possessed nothing but false gods, worthless idols that did them no good. - Jeremiah 16:19

We like to call ourselves sophisticated. We trust in scientific theory and read the Wall Street Journal. We subscribe to the theory, secretly or not, that mankind has evolved intellectually and that we are far superior to our simple-minded, superstitious ancestors. We smirk when we read how they worshipped man-made gods—those deaf, dumb, and blind pieces of wood and gold.

Yet at the same time, we're on our knees worshipping more subtle, but just as tangible, false gods—the "isms" of our day: workaholism, as if the fruit of endless labors will finally bring satisfaction; legalism, as if being good and performing flawlessly will secure peace; intellectualism, as if we could get so smart that we would finally feel fulfilled; and materialism, as if some possession could bring us joy.

The first step in the worship of false gods is exchanging truth for lies. "You will not surely die," was the serpent's lie to Eve in the garden. Cling to the truth. Once it's discarded, you'll believe anything.

The truth of the Bible doesn't change with our circumstances of life; rather, it defines and weeds out all falsehood. Remember Jesus' words, "...the truth will set you free."

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

[Judy Harder]

Guilty or Not Guilty

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." - Hebrews 10:22

When I was twenty years old I fell into a deep depression. I began taking antidepressants and felt as old as a grandfather. My doctor diagnosed me with eighty-three ulcers and said I would have to make some serious life-style changes or have part of my intestines or colon removed. At the time I had no idea what was causing me such misery. Then I learned that guilt was literally eating away at me.

My guilt was a merciful wake-up call from God, showing me that I'd strayed into dangerous territory—my decisions we're not only hurting me but they were hurting others.

Guilt can be a merciless taskmaster, that drives us far from God, or it can gently lead us back to a right relationship with Him.

Do you struggle with guilt? Don't ignore it, but respond to the inner witness of the Holy Spirit.

"Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend, Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, with whips and stings" - Nicholas Rowe (1966 -      )

[Judy Harder]

Humor



He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. - Job 8:21

I'm always looking for humor in every situation. No matter where I'm ministering, I like to find something funny in a given set of circumstances and talk about that.

When I first came to faith in Christ, however, I was under the impression that I had to give up humor and become very solemn and serious. Soon the part of me that loved to smile and laugh began to wither.

But I didn't want that aspect of my personality to die. It was a unique part of me that God had created. In reality, it was one of my best strengths. So, over time, I began to let my humor come out again, and I discovered its strength in communicating truth and grace to others.

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

[Judy Harder]

Service

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. - 1 Peter 4:10

Finding a way to help others is an expression of faith. It shows that we believe in the sovereignty of God. We don't' have to wait until the pain in our life is gone, because we know God can use it for good.

Finding a way to help others requires that you ask two questions: What is God doing? and How can I get into the flow of his activity? When we ask these questions, ideas will come. And once we begin doing this, the 'why is this happening' question, which once seemed so important, becomes irrelevant.

The best answer to why is always what. When we stop asking, "Why has God allowed this?" And begin asking, "What does he want me to do with it?", we're ready for God to start his work in us, and that prepares us for service, and that prepares us for service.

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

[Judy Harder]

Male Visual Stimulation

Men tend to be highly visual. Consequently, they also tend to be very susceptible to sexual temptation when it's presented visually. Put bluntly: most men have eyes that follow every short skirt that walks by. This presents a huge obstacle to marital intimacy. One disgruntled wife put it simply: "Men are pigs." And to the extent we choose our own way rather than purifying our eyes and submitting out behaviors to God, it's an apt indictment.

Consider this letter I received from a reader of my book, Every Man's Battle:

"My husband has bought into the lie that 'all men look' because they're so visual. He read your book Every Man's Battle, but he still says it's impossible for any real man to avoid looking at a babe in a string bikini. This bothers me, but he's threatened me with divorce if I don't stop 'nagging' him about this...I'm sick to my stomach to think that for the rest of my life, I'll be robbed of fullness in my marriage. Because this bothers me so much, and because my husband is so sick of being reminded of it, he does it even more now! Can you imagine? Everywhere I go with my husband I know I can't keep his attention. NOWHERE!"

Note her pain, men. The lust of your eyes hardens your heart and blinds you to your own wife. This dishonors both your wife and the God who so graciously gave her to you.

[Judy Harder]

Purifying Your Branch



Let's be honest: most of our family trees aren't very pretty. In fact, for most of us, those branches are filled with adultery, pornography, divorce, substance abuse, addiction, physical violence, and more. And even if your family hasn't been affected by one of these, your family history hasn't failed to affect you in one way or another.

At some point, then, every man must decide: will I purify my branch of the family tree, or will I allow this poison to seep through another generations?

Purifying your branch of the family tree begins with driving a stake into the ground with the decision that you and your family will follow Him.

When you do this, you transition your family from a pattern of sickness to the possibility of living for God. For generations to come, people will look at your family tree and see that under your leadership, life was influenced for good rather than for evil.

Going against the trends of past generations isn't easy to do. But it's worth the effort to blaze a new path—a path that's honorable; a path that's worth following; and a path that will show God's grace and goodness to future generations

[Judy Harder]

Shouldering Her Weaknesses

What baggage does your wife carry? She's surely no more immune than you. Therefore, she may be burdened from any number of traumatic events in her past.

Are you allowing for your wife's weakness, loving her for who she is today, and not for who she might be at some point down the line? Sure, you may be shocked and dismayed at the weaknesses in your wife that were hidden until marriage exposed them. Maybe she comes from an abusive and dysfunctional background. Maybe she isn't a very strong Christian. Maybe she was even promiscuous before she met you.

Any of these things may be true. But some other important things are true as well. Your wife did forsake her individual freedom in taking you as her husband, believing you would provide love and strength for her. Your wife is still God's little lamb, regardless of the pain she's been through and the wounds she carries. Don't forget: God has entrusted her to you. Will you resent her? Or does your heart warm at the task of restoration? Is there any nobler act than pouring out your mercy on your precious bride?

Men, relate with your spouse based upon who she is today. Not upon what you want her to be. So what if she isn't who she should be today? Are you? Besides, it's not important that she becomes everything you expect. It's important that she becomes like Christ. Impart to her the same grace, mercy and strength that Christ imparts to you. 

[Judy Harder]

USS Matrimony

Marital adjustment is a simple matter. Before marriage, you command your ship of life based upon the personal convictions of one person—you.After marriage you board the USS Matrimony. You are now dealing with the personal convictions of two people. It's something you must quickly learn to deal with.

Humility is essential to create and maintain unity on board. It requires a mind-set that honors your partner.

So, what's riding on this? Quite a lot—namely, oneness and intimacy. If you learn the art of servant-leadership, the sailing on the USS Matrimony will be much smoother.

Yes, you may have a compliant spouse who'll tolerate your less than humble ways. But in such cases, outer calmness is usually the result of an inner deadness in the marital relationship, not oneness and intimacy.

Without a humble spirit and a willingness to serve one another, you may have peace, you may have marital longevity, and you may even appear to have a marriage made in heaven. But you won't have a relationship based on intimacy, there will be road-side wounded, if not casualties, along the way.

I can't urge you strongly enough in your marriage to commit yourselves to a life of humbly serving your spouse.

[Judy Harder]

A Sober Request!

I'll never forget the night I was listening to Chuck Swindoll address about ten thousand Christians. Right in the middle of his message, I heard a statement that virtually sucked the air right out of the room.

He proclaimed, "I know some of you are having sex with your children. And I'm telling you to stop it. I'm asking you to stop it. You must consider the impact on your child. You must stop having sex with your children."

Why on earth would he say that? Because he was the pastor of a church and heard the confessions of people who'd been involved in incestuous relationships.

It is reported that the trauma of child abuse actually rewires parts of the brain in both function and structure. The effects are quite serious. The abnormalities can last right through adulthood, leaving the victim with such problems as aggression, poor emotional control, memory and attention disorders, and serious mood and personality disorders.

The nature of this sin is such that all of us would rather leave it in silence. But we simply cannot. Therefore, I repeat what Chuck Swindoll said that night: "You must stop having sex with your children." And I would add, I beg you to get the help you need.