Happy Independence Day

[Judy Harder]

Sacrificial Love

If we're to love and serve our family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers in the manner God desires, we must understand the following three things:

First, sacrifice doesn't mean giving that other person everything he or she wants. But it does mean you consider the other person's thoughts and concerns are honored equally alongside yours; in the same way the white stripe is expressed equally with the red on a candy cane. You can't tell if it's red with a white stripe or white with a red stripe.

Second, sacrifice is more than taking another's thoughts into consideration. It's taking those thoughts and putting them into play with as much emphasis and care as you give your own thoughts—even if the thought processes of that other person may not make sense to you.

Third, you must develop your own style of carrying out this sacrificial love—a style that's customized to the character and needs of your relationship. You may not always agree with the other person. That's fine. Agreement is nearly as important as the way of coming to an agreement. You are different people, and even siblings brought up in the same hone with the same parents and surroundings come up with different opinions and answers to life. But, the use of the servant mind-set must always be consistent among all of us if we wish to love others as ourselves. 

[Judy Harder]

The Fragile Male Ego

Our fragile male egos can easily present a barrier to oneness and intimacy with our wives. One woman made this candid comment that makes my point: "Most things in our marriage are his plans and desires.[He never shows me any of his deep feelings, and I can't say that I've ever felt one with him. He once said, 'If I let you in and show you my feelings, I'd be vulnerable to becoming hurt.'"

A husband's refusal to be emotionally vulnerable is a sure sign that his fragile male ego is presenting an obstacle to marital health.

Another sure sign that the fragile male ego is at work is when a woman's gifts and talents are perceived by her husband as a threat to his competency. This is an issue I've seen come up time and again in marital counseling.

My point, men, is that an overly sensitive male ego undercuts our ability to be vulnerable and humble—two necessary characteristics for strong and growing marriages.

One of the church's great theologians was fond of referring to marriage as "the school of character." That's because marriage, by its very design, will teach us things like vulnerability and humility—that is, if we'll only commit ourselves to becoming attentive and teachable students.

The lessons we need to learn aren't always easy. Yet they're profoundly rewarding.

[Judy Harder]

The "Why" Of Romance

Guys, if there's any area in which we need to study our wives in order to serve them better, it's in the department of romance. Romance inspires her and brings feelings of marital intimacy to the surface.

Yet ask most guys what romance is and he'll begrudgingly mumble something about candlelight dinners and roses. But it's more than that. In fact, for some men, it might not be candlelight dinners and roses at all. That's because the chief ingredient of romance is knowing what special thing sparks her romantic motor.

But why is romance so important to our wives? Perhaps the best way to answer this is by considering a different question: why is respect so important to us? The answer to both questions: it's how we're made. It's what makes us tick.

Therefore, for the vast majority of women, going through marriage without romance is the equivalent to how a man would feel having to go through life without respect. In other words, much of the color of life disappears, and everything turns to gray.

Guys, that's why it's so important for us to study how to cultivate romance with our wives; and in particular, how to do this in a way that is according to each of our wives' own personality and liking. This is an important aspect of giving our wives the sacrificial love we're called to offer, and that they deserve to receive.

 

[Judy Harder]

Working Toward A Career

More and more women are now working outside the home. Therefore, a growing number of men are being called upon to help their wives prepare for and manage this aspect of her role. This, of course, constitutes an important area where husbands must learn to think and act sacrificially for the good of their marriages and families.

Listen to this testimony by Joanne, a wife and mother in her third year of graduate school: "I couldn't succeed in this challenge if it weren't for my husband's constant support when I'm in class and when I have to barricade myself in my room to do homework. He feeds the kids, helps with their homework, and runs them where they need to go. I can't explain the relief I feel when I know he's stepping in...He never ever pouts or acts put out that he has to do more. I feel so responsible for my family that if he did these things for me grudgingly, I would feel defeated very quickly. Because he helps me with a cheerful attitude, I feel a lightness inside that help me get through the day."

Joanne's husband is a wise leader. They've made a decision that, in their particular situation, her return to school is in the best interest of their family. And this decision requires him to think and act sacrificially. He knows his family's needs, and his wife's insecurities, and tends to them accordingly. That's a real man.

[Judy Harder]

Bucking The Trend

The current trend in our society is that more and more wives and mothers are reentering the workplace. Different families have different needs. And many have decided this is what best serves them.

Yet at the same time, some families are bucking this societal trend. They've decided it's not in their family's best interest to have mom working outside the home. And while this is a great decision for many families, it's not a decision that comes free from difficulties.

Anytime you buck a societal trend, there's a price to pay. For mothers who stay home to raise their children, one price they pay is a drop in social status. This is sad because stay-at-home moms work so hard and sacrifice so much. Current characterizations of stay-at-home moms tend to be patronizing at best, and at worst, downright derogatory.

As a result, guys, the choice to stay home with the kids can be hard on your wife's self-esteem—even if it's a decision she believes in and is thrilled about.

So if you and your wife have chosen to buck the trend, I encourage you to ask yourself the following three questions:

What can I do to lighten her load?
How can I encourage her and affirm the great value of what she's doing?
What practical steps can I take to make staying home with our children less physically and emotionally draining on my wife?     

[Judy Harder]

Students Of God's Word

When looking for ways to serve our wives, many of us would rather lay tile, or fertilize the lawn, than lead her spiritually. Why is that? Simple. We like to function within areas where we're competent and comfortable. Unfortunately, providing spiritual leadership often isn't one of those areas. Yet the fact remains: providing spiritual leadership is a vital aspect of our calling as husbands.

So where do you begin? How about developing a deeper understanding of God's word. Men, as you become committed and competent students of Scripture, it'll help establish two important things in your wife's heart—both of which are crucial for your effective leadership.

First, your knowledge of Scripture will create a sense of security in your wife's heart. She'll be able to live in peace knowing you have the ability to bring the light of Scripture to bear upon those areas of life that are confusing, difficult, and scary.

Second, your understanding God's word will raise your wife's level of respect for you. As you wrestle with scripture, and demonstrate your commitment to bring God's truth to bear upon the life of your family, your wife will have reason to respect and rest in your leadership. She'll know she can trust you to do the best possible thing for her and your children.

Men, resources abound to help in this endeavor. Your pastor and local Christian bookstore will get you started, and Bible study groups can help you persevere.

[Judy Harder]

The "How" Of Romance

Guys, when you're romancing your wife, it must be on her terms in order to be effective. You have to do what she considers fun, what she considers romantic. That's what shows your wife that you've listened to her, learned her, and you're attentive to her desires and needs. This demonstrates love.

But there's another—often overlooked—side of romantic expression: doing things for her that she hates doing herself. For instance, I know a woman who absolutely hates washing silverware after meals. Her husband knows this about her, and often steps in to wash silverware for her—even if he doesn't have time to wash the sink full of dishes.

So why is doing for your wife what she hates doing romantic to her? Once again, it shows that you've taken the time to know her, and that you have the desire to serve her. In other words, it shows her your relationship's an intimate one.

One woman named Cheryl shared this story: "Sometimes I don't want to do the mundane things like grocery shopping alone. It's not one of Rod's favorite things either. But he goes with me if I ask, and he makes it fun just because we're together. And there's been more than one classical concert he's suffered through with me."

Do you sense that Cheryl feels romance in her marriage? I certainly do.

[Judy Harder]

Thinking Things Through

Is your marriage a delight to you—or is your career or your hobby what really charges your engines? Do you exist in marriage for your wife, or does she exist to serve and further your interests and desires? Where do your greatest passions lie?

Guys, these are important questions you must ask yourself from time to time. But truth be told, you're not always as skilled as you could be about examining your life. Furthermore, you're not always as honest as you should be about the difference between what you formally profess to be true and the values you affirm by our day-to-day decisions and actions.

Therefore, I want to pose several questions for you to ponder over the next several days to help you discern the health of your marriage. My hope is that they'll help you identify any areas and issues that need your attention.

Does your wife's face brighten when you enter the room? Does she rise to kiss you?
Does your wife long for your embrace? Does she love to chat with you, even about the so-called little things of life?
When her feelings have been hurt, or her dreams have been shattered, is it you that she seeks or does she turn elsewhere?
Do you guard her honor and preserve the integrity of your marriage, even when she's out of sight?
Men, your wife's a gift from God—a true treasure. Love and honor her accordingly!

[Judy Harder]

Weighing Your Options

Okay, men, imagine that God offered you these two following options:

Option 1: Working twelve hours a day for two years in the business of your dreams, a commitment that would quadruple your income.

Or...

Option 2: Working twelve hours a day for two years to passionately live out the heart of a servant-leader when you're at home, an effort that would quadruple your wife's joy.

Be honest—or at least willing to consider each option. If you're chasing after the next rung up the corporate ladder, then you've misappropriated your passion. If you're willing to become a bondservant to your wife, then you're worthy of your Lord's daughter.

Let's face it. If the passion's not there in your marriage, you won't find much oneness. Sure, you may be comfortable with your wife. As a mother, you may think she's matchless. She may still knock your socks off when she slips into a sundress. Perhaps you can't even imagine living without her.

But what do these feelings show? Many men feel them, but be very careful in your assessment of them: such sentiments don't necessarily reveal that you've actually done anything more than love yourself in the marriage.

Men, it's your passion for oneness and your passion for service that demonstrate that you love her. That's what brings her joy on your journey together. If that passion's not there, you must find it. But if it is, your motives for serving your wife will be true.

[Judy Harder]

Consistency In Spiritual Leadership

Men, not only should you be comfortable in leading your family in worship, you should be the most consistent among them when it comes to cultivating your own personal life of worship. Remember, the character and quality of our public leadership is a direct by-product of the character and quality of our private discipleship. You simply can't give your family what you don't possess yourself.

Men, consistency in private discipleship brings intimacy with the Lord; and intimacy with the Lord puts you in the position to bring life and truth to your family. Without it, you'll have little fresh understanding with which to guide them.

How consistent are you when it comes to praying? How consistently do you lead your family in Bible study and prayer? Sure, no one's busier than you. I know that, and I share your predicament. But the simple reality remains: each of us must make it a top priority to carve out time in our day-to-day lives to lead our families in this area.

Remember guys, many of the most important issues in our children's lives will be caught rather than taught. They're watching your example. If you're not praying together as a family, then all your talk about God's being the center of your marriage and family is just that—talk.

Make family worship or devotional time a priority. Be disciplined about following through. Model your faith with action. It'll give your family someone to respect and someone to emulate.