Happy Independence Day

[Judy Harder]

 

Working Toward A Career

More and more women are now working outside the home. Therefore, a growing number of men are being called upon to help their wives prepare for and manage this aspect of her role. This, of course, constitutes an important area where husbands must learn to think and act sacrificially for the good of their marriages and families.

Listen to this testimony by Joanne, a wife and mother in her third year of graduate school: "I couldn't succeed in this challenge if it weren't for my husband's constant support when I'm in class and when I have to barricade myself in my room to do homework. He feeds the kids, helps with their homework, and runs them where they need to go. I can't explain the relief I feel when I know he's stepping in...He never ever pouts or acts put out that he has to do more. I feel so responsible for my family that if he did these things for me grudgingly, I would feel defeated very quickly. Because he helps me with a cheerful attitude, I feel a lightness inside that help me get through the day."

Joanne's husband is a wise leader. They've made a decision that, in their particular situation, her return to school is in the best interest of their family. And this decision requires him to think and act sacrificially. He knows his family's needs, and his wife's insecurities, and tends to them accordingly. That's a real man.

[Judy Harder]

Bucking The Trend

The current trend in our society is that more and more wives and mothers are reentering the workplace. Different families have different needs. And many have decided this is what best serves them.

Yet at the same time, some families are bucking this societal trend. They've decided it's not in their family's best interest to have mom working outside the home. And while this is a great decision for many families, it's not a decision that comes free from difficulties.

Anytime you buck a societal trend, there's a price to pay. For mothers who stay home to raise their children, one price they pay is a drop in social status. This is sad because stay-at-home moms work so hard and sacrifice so much. Current characterizations of stay-at-home moms tend to be patronizing at best, and at worst, downright derogatory.

As a result, guys, the choice to stay home with the kids can be hard on your wife's self-esteem—even if it's a decision she believes in and is thrilled about.

So if you and your wife have chosen to buck the trend, I encourage you to ask yourself the following three questions:

What can I do to lighten her load?
How can I encourage her and affirm the great value of what she's doing?
What practical steps can I take to make staying home with our children less physically and emotionally draining on my wife?     



Students Of God's Word

When looking for ways to serve our wives, many of us would rather lay tile, or fertilize the lawn, than lead her spiritually. Why is that? Simple. We like to function within areas where we're competent and comfortable. Unfortunately, providing spiritual leadership often isn't one of those areas. Yet the fact remains: providing spiritual leadership is a vital aspect of our calling as husbands.

So where do you begin? How about developing a deeper understanding of God's word. Men, as you become committed and competent students of Scripture, it'll help establish two important things in your wife's heart—both of which are crucial for your effective leadership.

First, your knowledge of Scripture will create a sense of security in your wife's heart. She'll be able to live in peace knowing you have the ability to bring the light of Scripture to bear upon those areas of life that are confusing, difficult, and scary.

Second, your understanding God's word will raise your wife's level of respect for you. As you wrestle with scripture, and demonstrate your commitment to bring God's truth to bear upon the life of your family, your wife will have reason to respect and rest in your leadership. She'll know she can trust you to do the best possible thing for her and your children.

Men, resources abound to help in this endeavor. Your pastor and local Christian bookstore will get you started, and Bible study groups can help you persevere.

[Judy Harder]

Students Of God's Word

When looking for ways to serve our wives, many of us would rather lay tile, or fertilize the lawn, than lead her spiritually. Why is that? Simple. We like to function within areas where we're competent and comfortable. Unfortunately, providing spiritual leadership often isn't one of those areas. Yet the fact remains: providing spiritual leadership is a vital aspect of our calling as husbands.

So where do you begin? How about developing a deeper understanding of God's word. Men, as you become committed and competent students of Scripture, it'll help establish two important things in your wife's heart—both of which are crucial for your effective leadership.

First, your knowledge of Scripture will create a sense of security in your wife's heart. She'll be able to live in peace knowing you have the ability to bring the light of Scripture to bear upon those areas of life that are confusing, difficult, and scary.

Second, your understanding God's word will raise your wife's level of respect for you. As you wrestle with scripture, and demonstrate your commitment to bring God's truth to bear upon the life of your family, your wife will have reason to respect and rest in your leadership. She'll know she can trust you to do the best possible thing for her and your children.

Men, resources abound to help in this endeavor. Your pastor and local Christian bookstore will get you started, and Bible study groups can help you persevere.

[Judy Harder]

The "How" Of Romance

Guys, when you're romancing your wife, it must be on her terms in order to be effective. You have to do what she considers fun, what she considers romantic. That's what shows your wife that you've listened to her, learned her, and you're attentive to her desires and needs. This demonstrates love.

But there's another—often overlooked—side of romantic expression: doing things for her that she hates doing herself. For instance, I know a woman who absolutely hates washing silverware after meals. Her husband knows this about her, and often steps in to wash silverware for her—even if he doesn't have time to wash the sink full of dishes.

So why is doing for your wife what she hates doing romantic to her? Once again, it shows that you've taken the time to know her, and that you have the desire to serve her. In other words, it shows her your relationship's an intimate one.

One woman named Cheryl shared this story: "Sometimes I don't want to do the mundane things like grocery shopping alone. It's not one of Rod's favorite things either. But he goes with me if I ask, and he makes it fun just because we're together. And there's been more than one classical concert he's suffered through with me."

Do you sense that Cheryl feels romance in her marriage? I certainly do.

[Judy Harder]

Weighing Your Options

Okay, men, imagine that God offered you these two following options:

Option 1: Working twelve hours a day for two years in the business of your dreams, a commitment that would quadruple your income.

Or...

Option 2: Working twelve hours a day for two years to passionately live out the heart of a servant-leader when you're at home, an effort that would quadruple your wife's joy.

Be honest—or at least willing to consider each option. If you're chasing after the next rung up the corporate ladder, then you've misappropriated your passion. If you're willing to become a bondservant to your wife, then you're worthy of your Lord's daughter.

Let's face it. If the passion's not there in your marriage, you won't find much oneness. Sure, you may be comfortable with your wife. As a mother, you may think she's matchless. She may still knock your socks off when she slips into a sundress. Perhaps you can't even imagine living without her.

But what do these feelings show? Many men feel them, but be very careful in your assessment of them: such sentiments don't necessarily reveal that you've actually done anything more than love yourself in the marriage.

Men, it's your passion for oneness and your passion for service that demonstrate that you love her. That's what brings her joy on your journey together. If that passion's not there, you must find it. But if it is, your motives for serving your wife will be true.

[Judy Harder]

Consistency In Spiritual Leadership

Men, not only should you be comfortable in leading your family in worship, you should be the most consistent among them when it comes to cultivating your own personal life of worship. Remember, the character and quality of our public leadership is a direct by-product of the character and quality of our private discipleship. You simply can't give your family what you don't possess yourself.

Men, consistency in private discipleship brings intimacy with the Lord; and intimacy with the Lord puts you in the position to bring life and truth to your family. Without it, you'll have little fresh understanding with which to guide them.

How consistent are you when it comes to praying? How consistently do you lead your family in Bible study and prayer? Sure, no one's busier than you. I know that, and I share your predicament. But the simple reality remains: each of us must make it a top priority to carve out time in our day-to-day lives to lead our families in this area.

Remember guys, many of the most important issues in our children's lives will be caught rather than taught. They're watching your example. If you're not praying together as a family, then all your talk about God's being the center of your marriage and family is just that—talk.

Make family worship or devotional time a priority. Be disciplined about following through. Model your faith with action. It'll give your family someone to respect and someone to emulate.

[Judy Harder]

Leading Worship At Home

Men, we were created for worship. It enhances and expresses intimacy with the Lord, and brings both Him and us great pleasure. Yet many men tighten up just saying grace before dinner. Public worship—even if it's only in front of your family may cause you to feel as nervous as a third baseman charging a short-hopper with the game on the line in the bottom of the ninth.

Most of us have been there. And most of us have also blamed it on our lack of experience praying in public. Yet for the vast majority of men, that's not really the issue. The real issue is that you don't have enough experience praying in private! Deepening your private life of worship will naturally embolden your public life of worship. And the first place it'll bring benefit is in your ability to provide better spiritual leadership in your home.

Guys, no one in your home should be more comfortable with worship and prayer than you. Your family absolutely needs you to lead them. Feeling funny about it is no excuse.

Start small, but be courageous and committed to growth. You simply cannot and must not "chicken out" when your family looks to you for spiritual leadership. The Holy Spirit is waiting for you to step up to the plate, and He'll meet you there. That's a promise from God.

[Judy Harder]

Parental Teamwork

Ephesians 6:4

Men, as the father in the home, you shoulder a great responsibility in raising your children. How will you and your wife go about it? What standards will you choose? How will you discipline? What values will you teach and demonstrate?

These questions are crucial; and whether it's intentional or merely by default, they're all communicated to your children. Intentionality is the key; and it's a huge help when you and your wife are on the same page.

You and your wife can provide two basic elements in your home that are invaluable to helping your children become the individuals God wants them to be. One is consistency. There are few things worse than one parent operating off one set of values while the other confuses, and ultimately, sabotages those principles with a competing set of values. Parents must strive to agree on core values—living them and passing them on in a unified front to their kids.

The second important concept in raising kids is teamwork. Guys, surrender your individual rights and the blatant exertion of authority and be your wife's teammate. Help her. Share duties. Pitch in. And never undermine your wife's position by making yourself appear more important in the eyes of your children.

Instead, help your children learn to honor their mother and to appreciate the value of a woman. This bedrock principle will have a tremendous impact on your kids' future.

[Judy Harder]

Rebooting Your Marriage

I host a weekday call-in radio show with five other counselors called New Life Live! Since we handle many calls each day, it's easy to spot common themes that arise.

One common theme is the one about blaming and judging a wife who "just isn't enough" for a man. It's amazing the mental gyrations some men will go through not to take responsibility. One day we commented that the worst-selling T-shirt we could market would say, "It was my fault." No guys would buy it!

Here's an idea for another T-shirt message: "You're not to blame for my problems." But let's not wait for that T-shirt to land in stores to own that truth. Because when we own this, we're humbled and ready to do what needs doing: asking for forgiveness.

Every computer has a reboot key that allows for fresh starts. Everything cranks up as if it were doing it for the first time. For individuals, the reboot key is called confession. Confession realigns the person with God and removes the stain of denial. The reboot key for a relationship is asking for forgiveness. It places the relationship back at ground zero. It doesn't ensure that forgiveness will be granted, but at least from the point of forgiveness the relationship has an opportunity to flourish. Men, if you and your marriage are stuck, consider the most humbling thing you can do: Ask your wife to forgive you.

[Judy Harder]

Submitting To Scripture

Men, no one in your home should be better and quicker at submitting to what Scripture teaches than you. In a recent marriage class several women were asked, "What's the one thing that impresses you most about your husband?" One woman responded, "[My husband] is much quicker to submit to the teaching of Scripture than I am. He's quick to fix anything in his life that he feels doesn't line up with Scripture. He has always been submissive to God's ways, and this makes me trust him and feel one with him."

This woman's husband leads by example. What could possibly be more fitting or effective? And did you pick up on the security this woman feels because her husband is receptive and responsive to God's word? Guys, this woman's not the exception; she's the norm. When you submit to Scripture, it fortifies your wife's trust and respect for you. And note the irony here: even though Scripture exposes your flaws, your wife's trust and respect grows—as does her willingness to give you the benefit of the doubt when needed. So long, that is, as you're submitting to God.

On the other hand, your failure to submit to Scripture invites disorder, confusion, and fear into your home. It puts a formidable stumbling block in your pathway to oneness—not only with your wife, but with all members of your family. To put is plainly, men, God is not pleased with spiritual leaders who harbor sin.