Grins and Snickers

[Teresa]

Traffic Control in Rural Kansas:

[Warph]

Jessica, a gorgeous blonde, who was waiting for the bus at a crowded bus stop, wore some figure enhancing clothes like a bright red, tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and a high fashion leather jacket.

The bus arrived and it was Jessica's turn to step aboard; however, she soon learned that her skirt was a little too tight. It did not allow her to lift her leg as high as the height of the bus' first step.

Jessica grew a little embarrassed with her situation, but she flashed a short smile to the bus driver as she reached behind herself, unzipping her skirt a little. She thought that would release her skirt just enough to allow her to lift her leg up to the step.

But as Jessica once again tried to step onto the bus she soon learned that she still could not make that first step. By now everyone behind her in line to get onto the bus realized her situation, and there were a few muffled laughs, which only embarrassed Jessica even more.

Once again Jessica reached her arm behind her, unzipping her skirt just a little more. Once again she tried to raise her leg up to the step, and once again she was unable lift her leg high enough because of her tight skirt.

At this point most of the passengers on the bus realized what was delaying their trip, and they were actively talking about it. Some were shouting encouragement to Jessica. Naturally, she was getting very embarrassed with her situation.

She decided to give her skirt another go, so she again gave a little smile to the driver while she again reached her hand behind herself unzipping the tight red skirt just a little more. But three times were not the charm because she again could not reach that step.

At this point a large lumberjack type who was standing right behind her in line swiftly picked her up by the waist and gently placed her on the step she had tried so hard to reach.

By now Jessica was so embarrassed that she went ballistic, spun around to her would be Sir Lancelot and screamed at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

To which the lumberjack replied, "Well ma'am, I ordinarily would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[Judy Harder]

Riddle of the Day
 

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Obama is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women..
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?





***********************************************************




***********************************************************



The answer is:      'A Last Name.' 
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

[Judy Harder]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had.  That's a real talent you are wasting.  You could be famous.  Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" 


 

[larryJ]

Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You got me on that one!!!

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I went and told Al that one and he just about fell out of his chair!

[farmgal67357]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew......
and soon people from all  over the country were coming to Minnesota to have
portraits done.One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor,
you betcha. I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I'll haff at leave my socks on.......
so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

An Ole and Lena joke! Oh ya! Hubby is originally from Wisconsin, and every now and again he catches me sayin', "Ya shurrr..." I guess he's rubbed off on me!
Lisa

[Judy Harder]

70th birthday
To: Linda








Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.  She  thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the  phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a  very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs,  dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she  could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, Hi, I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys,  rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up,  cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!  Now how does that sound?"

He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 

[Ross]

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!  P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too... Lord knows they couldn't pass an IQ test!

[Teresa]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google



Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985



Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin



Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans



Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant