Grins and Snickers

[Teresa]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".

[frawin]

Higher Gasoline prices will change our National MPG average quicker than anything.

[Judy Harder]

THE OSTRICH



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to


the ostrich, "What's yours?"


"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will


be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and


pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man


says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."


The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"


asks the waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and


a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and


places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,


sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change


in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and


found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered


me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,


I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money


would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a


million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want


for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact


money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick


with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Sigh!

[Judy Harder]

Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


ababab

Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'


ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York   and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


ababab

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! 
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone in your head is happy - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

[frawin]

Good ones Judy, thanks for starting my day off with some good humor, you are appreciated. HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY AND EVERY DAY.
Frank

[Judy Harder]

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

********

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work. 

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'.  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

And about those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto for $ 35 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.
I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Teresa]

> 1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

>14.. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

>19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Judy Harder]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.


With that , she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged e ach of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men

[patyrn]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Comference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

[larryJ]

 

Larryj