Grins and Snickers

[Teresa]

Four Married Guys Go Fishing

Four married guys go fishing and after about an hour they start talking about what it took to get out of the house.

The first guy says: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy says: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy says: "Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

As they continue to fish, they realize the fourth guy has not said a word about it.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" said one of the fishermen.

The fourth guy says: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, fishing or sex? She said, don't forget to wear sun-block!"

[Teresa]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Jo McDonald]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.  The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".  The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, "My wife."

[Judy Harder]

If My
Body Were a Car

           
If my body
were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about

trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and

scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull
......



But that's not the worst of it.



My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to

see things up close.



My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and

slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.



My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.



It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate

burns inefficiently.



But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my

radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Judy Harder]

Elder Care
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the nursing home.

"How are you grandpa?" He asks.

"Feeling fine" says the old man.

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better.

These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of warm milk and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of warm milk and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The warm milk makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[Jo McDonald]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Teresa]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has had the balls to pull the cord!

[Judy Harder]

Here's a little poem for you.

Another year has passed

and we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago

when life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

about 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to weddings,

football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes,

and after-funeral brunches.


We used to have hangovers,

from parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches

and while the night away.

We used to go out dining,

and couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel

to places near and far.

Now we get sore asses

from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs

and drink a little booze.

Now we stay home at night

and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,

and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up, before you're too darn old!

[Teresa]

The Very First "Senior Moment"

[Judy Harder]

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!


But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked,  "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4  'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan.   When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.