Grins and Snickers

[Ms Bear]

I am able to get into my primary almost any day, they don't take as many walk-ins and they used to but if I call in the morning I can usually get in the same day.  Some tests done there with a call to let me know the results or an appointment within the next couple of days.   When I needed a stress test the Cardio wanted to see me first, then I had the stress test two days later and the results the following Monday.

I have two very good hospitals within 20 miles at Conroe or Kingwood and it is only an hour drive to downtown Houston.  There is a Diagnostic hospital within a block of my house, they also do outpatient surgery.  Would go there if in a hurry but prefer the Dr. I have been seeing.

Another hospital in town, about 12 blocks from home but have not been happy with the emergency care there.  Had some issues with the care given my mother and not sure I would go willingly.

[larryJ]

From this month's American Legion Magazine...........

A boxer marched into his manager's office, closed the door and put on his most determined look.  "Now listen here," he told the manager.  "I've been training for six months, and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in.  I've stayed away from desserts and gone to bed at 10 every night.  I've never been better.  I want Killer McPug!  Get me a fight with Killer McPug!"

The manager walked around his desk and put his arm around the boxer's shoulders.  "I keep telling you, champ, you ARE Killer McPug."

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A woman placed an ad offering a new Porche for $10.  A man answered the ad but was skeptical.  "What's the gimmick?" he said.

"There's no gimmick," the woman replied.  "My husband just died, and his will stated that he wanted his car sold and the money given to his secretary."

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Quip........Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

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(old)....A Priest officiating at a funeral started his remarks by saying, "We are gathered here today to pay homage to a good man.  He was a kind man, a man loved by everyone, a man who treasured his family as they did him."

The widow of the deceased leaned over to her grandson and whispered, "Sweetheart, go up and make sure it's your grandpa in that coffin."

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A little boy was so bad at sports that after half a season in Little League, his father traded him to another team for $10 and a child to be born later.

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The president of a financial firm stopped in the broker's office to eavesdrop on a new employee.  He listened as the young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.

The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability.  Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"

"Yale, sir," the young man answered.

"What's your name?"

"Yackson."

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And a Dave Letterman joke........Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda.  When you outlaw stuff, it creates crime.  I saw a guy today walking down the street, and a cop arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said, 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

I might have missed posting these.  If I already did, have a laugh anyway.

I know a guy who's so greedy he has eight deadly sins.  He had one custom made.

During basic training, the recruits were required to complete a demanding 12-mile march.  They started at 6 AM to embark on the trek.  An hour later, feeling the heavy weight loads of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.  "Men," the sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job.  We've already covered four miles!"  Revialized, they picked up the pace.  "And," continued the sergeant, "We should reach the starting point any minute now."

A woman drove through a parking garage searching for an open space, but she found none.  Then she noticed a couple walking just ahead.  She slowly pulled alongside them and rolled down her window.  She called out hopefully, "Going out?"  "No," the man said, "We're just friends."

A woman heard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."  The vows went like this:  "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present.  You may kiss the bride."

A substitute teacher asked her students, "If you had one dollar, and you asked your parents for another, how many dollars would you have?"  A boy raised his hand and said, "One dollar."  The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic."  The boy replied, "You don't know my parents."

On a brutally hot day, a man saw a father and his three children playing minature golf.  "Who's winning?" the man asked cheerfully.  "I am," one said.  "No, I am," another said.  "No," the father muttered, "Their mother is."

A world traveler was trying to impress a woman at a cocktail party.  "I came face to face with a lion once," he said.  "Even worse, I was alone and unarmed."  "What did you do?" the woman asked.  "I looked straight into his eyes, turned on my heel and walked away."  "Did her follow you?"  "He did, but only until I reached the next cage."

"Here's a little bit of history.  On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul."  Thanks to Jay Leno.

Larryj

[larryJ]

From this month's Legion magazine.......

A mother looked out the window to watch her two sons playing in the snow.  She called the older boy to come inside.  "I've told you to share the sled with your little brother," she said.  "You can't keep it to youself."  "I am sharing," he protested.  "I use it going down the hill, and he uses it going back up."

Over breakfast, a woman told her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."  "Of course I do,"  he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.  At 10 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house.  At 1 p.m., an enormous box of chocolates was delivered.  A designer dress arrived at 3 p.m.  When her husband got home, the woman threw her arms around his neck, saying, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day!"

Giving a patient his physical, a doctor noticed several dark bruises on the man's shins.  He asked, "Do you play hockey, rugby or any physical sport?"  "No," the man replied.  "I just play bridge with my wife."

The local Department of Motor Vehicles branch was packed.  After waiting in line nearly an hour, one man finally got his license.  He inspected his photo and said to the clerk, "I stood in line so long that I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  "It's okay," the clerk said.  "That's how you'll look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A wife suggested her husband try his hand at changing diapers.  "I'll do it next time," he said.  Later, when their baby needed another change, she asked for his help.  "I didn't mean the next diaper," he replied.  "I meant the next baby."

And this from Jay Leno...........

"I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia.  They're all burning Amerian flags.  Where are they getting all those flags?  If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?"

Larryj

[larryJ]

From this months American Legion magazine....

A building contractor agreed to let his nephew work for him over the summer.  One day, they drove to a lumber yard.  The contractor sent his nephew in to make the purchase while he waited in the truck.  Reading from his uncle's list, the young man said, I need 200 2-by-4s, 120 1-by-8s and 240 2-by-6s."  The clerk waited a few seconds ro him to continue, then asked, "How long?  How long do you want them?"  The nephew thought for a few seconds before replying, confidently, "Forever.  We're building a house."

After a first date, with both parties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date.  "Since we've gone Dutch on everything else," she said, "you can kiss yourself goodnight."

A sportsman who lived in the city went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman.  The next year, he returned and asked for Salesman.  "That hound ain't no good now," the handler said with disgust.  "What happened?" the sportsman asked.  "Was he injured?"  "No," the handler replied, "Some idiot who had him for a week was so happy with him that he started calling him Sales Manager.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."

The local TV station's weather desk received a postcard:  "I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps."

Kill two birds with one stone this year............Give up your New Year's resolutions for Lent.

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force.  A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.  "The pay is good and the hours are OK,"  he replied, "but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong."

And from Jay Leno.......

"There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote.  I think people are so sick of this election.  How about making the day after Election Day the holiday?"

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Larryj

[Mom70x7]

From my youngest sister:

I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.



His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could  say "Truck."

[Diane Amberg]

Good one.

[larryJ]

From this month's American Legion magazine.....

At a campaign rally, an embattled politician running for re-election declared, "Despite what the ethics committee concluded, my conscience is clean."
"I bet," came a voice from the audience, "That's because you never used it."

One old man said to another, "I just had another birthday.  It's awful to grow old alone."
"But you have your wife," the second man pointed out.
"Yes, but she hasn't had a birthday in 15 years."

A city girl was vacationing with her family in the country, and she became friendly with a local boy.  One evening, as they strolled across a pasture, they saw a cow and a calf affectionately rubbing noses.
"Gee," the boy said, "seeing that kind of makes me want to do the same."
"Go ahead," the girl replied.  "It's your cow."

Two entrepreneurs at a networking event tried to make small talk.
"Hey, do you believe in survival of the fittest?" one asked.
"I don't believe in the survival of anybody," the other replied.  "I'm an undertaker."

Did you hear about the comedian who told the same jokes three nights running?  He didn't dare tell them standing still.

A motorist received a receipt from the police clerk for his traffic fine.
"Oh, come on," he complained.  "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk replied.  "When you collect four, you get a bicycle."

A man and his wife were driving home from a friend's party.  "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are to women?" she asked.
Flattered, he replied, "No, I don't recall anyone ever telling me that."
"Then whatever gave you that idea at the party tonight?"

And this from Jimmy Fallon........NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery.  Scientists hope it found signs of life there.  Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

From this month's American Legion magazine......

I think my boss is trying to replace me.  He's looking for a computer that grovels.

An old man was holding court, surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  "Don't think of me as an old man," he whined.  "I'm healthy.  Everything's fine.  My heart's still pumping away.  My liver's strong.  And my mind, knock on wood...........
Hello?  Who is it?

Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall.  One never showed up, so the other went home.  When they got together that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.  "It was terrible," the first woman said.  "I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running.  I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it."  "You stood on the escalator for an hour while they fixed it?" the second friend asked.  "Of course, what else could I do?"  the first woman said.  The second woman said, "You dummy!  Why didn't you sit down?"

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and began experiencing turbulence.  One nervous passenger happened to be sitting next to a minister and turned to him for comfort.  "Can't you do something?" she asked.  "I'm sorry, ma'am," he replied gently, "but I'm in sales, not management."

A woman asked her husband , "Could you please go out and buy a gallon of milk?  And if they have avocados, get six."  A short time later, the husband returned with six gallons of milk.  "Why did you buy so many?" his wife asked.  "They had avocados."

An irate driver went back to a garage where he had bought an expensive car battery six months ago.  He said to the garage owner, "When you sold me this battery, you told me it would be the last one my car would ever need.  It's dead!"  "Yeah, sorry about that," the owner replied.  "I didn't think your car would make it this long."

And from Jay Leno........."Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones.  Here's a good one.  Don't join al-Qaida!"

Larryj

[Warph]

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.  I signed  up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their  spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as  simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I  am not ready to live like this.  I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I  keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was  standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.  Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer.  It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.  Then if I made a right turn instead...

Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of  the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the  cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I  still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have  to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and  the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.  They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could  settle on something themselves but this sudden, "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of  those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never  remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.  When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?"  I  just say, "Doesn't matter to me.  I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their  turn to stare at me with a blank look.  I was recently asked if I  tweet.  I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70... but we senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The TV remote and the  garage door remote are about all we can handle.