Grins and Snickers

[Judy Harder]

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 
'Let me see if I've got this right.
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 


'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.


'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 


'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?

[Judy Harder]

Two old Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here"
and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says
one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers
cautiously,

"What part did you get?"

[Jo McDonald]

 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
2.  The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
4.  The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
5.  The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
    fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Jo McDonald]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him doing a a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery. 

Mick says "What the heck are ya doing, Paddy?"

Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor".

[larryJ]

GROAN------------

[Diane Amberg]

So the two beautiful blonds walk into the bar and order a couple of big drinks. The bar tender says "so what's the big occasion?" The one says, "we just finished putting together a jig saw puzzle in two hours and the box said from 8 -10 months."

[Judy Harder]

God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'


God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?' 

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

'What's a
headache?

See! We started out knowing what and when we want to do something. Must be the female psche (or something!)

[larryJ]

 

Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games

and started laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even

painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!  Father Thibodeaux

asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. 

Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He's dat close,  I wanna to be good to go!

[Jo McDonald]

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several

circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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