Nuther Story!

[Delmonico]

Delmonico says ta Sarge, "Not a problem I can fix some Reb food, I'll parch some of the corn fer the mule team and make some of them corn pones, I got water, cornmeal and salt, don't need nothin's else fer that junk."

Brazo's I rounded up the chickens, if'n one a you cowhands was sober, ya would have rounded up a cow critter with someone else's brand besides Marshall Halloway's on it.  Ya'll know someone's else beef always tastes better on a roundup!  I know what we'll do, our new cowboy Bruce Dern can find us some beef without the bosses brand on it and he's got enough sense ta burrry the hide where no one will find it.  Slim quit whinin' bout that burn, didn't char a spot moren' the size of a silver dollar.  Here rub some sweet oil on it.  (Olive oil, Note: this is no longer an approved method of treatin' burns cause it increases the risk of infection, but don't tell Slim.)

Supper al be ready just fore sundown delmonico says as the friendly sodbuster delivers the eggs.

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim falls down laughing his head off and rolls on a cactus. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Thanks for the sweet oil, Delmonico. Now, I have to get these cactus needles out of my elbow." 

[Delmonico]

Get the plyyers outa the tool box of the chuckwagon and see if there is someun' sober enough tha help pull them out.  I gots ta get these noodles made, says Delmonico as he gets the period correct pasta roller out of the chuckwagon (Thomas Jefferson had one, I can too!)

Hey Slim ya might want ta see about gettin' another couple of span of mules, this chuckwagon is gettin' heavy with all the junk I keep addin' to it.  We got ta gou up inta the High Country when we get down down here in the lowlands.

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim gets Brazos Bucky ta help him pull out the the cactus needles. He then jumps on his horse, "Delmonico, I am go'n ta town ta get another team of mules for you wagon." He rides off towards town.

[Delmonico]

Whoa wagon boss, check yer "Old West" terms dictionary, I said a couple of span, that adds up ta 2 teams or 4 mules. 

While yer in town see if the store has some canned anchovies, I gots an idea fer a treat fer the crew tommorow.  I don't think they gots no water buffalo milk mozzzarrrellloo cheese there, but our egg farmer brought me some skim milk farmer's cheese, almost the same thing as the cheap stuff they'll use whin delvery pizza is invented, ya like NeyW York thin crust er Chicago thick crust style?

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Ok, two teams it is. No anchovies for me, please, but I will get some for ya. I prefer Chicago style crust on my Italian pie.", says Slim as he rides down the trail.

[Sergeant Smokepole]

All of a sudden, a shot was heard. In comes the Sarge draggin' a dead steer behind him. Delmonico rushes over to see if it was one of the boss's cows. He looked and where the brand was, a patch was cut out of the hide. Sarge says, "Now we kin eat some food that's fit fer men. I'm tired o' this sissy food. Make up some corn bread and fry up some steaks. What the deuce is with all these chicken heads? Which one o' you damned yankees has been chokin' these chickens?"

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim came riding up the trail at full tilt. "What is tarnation was that shot fer? Are the Apaches attacking?" He looks behind Sarge, who has a big grin on his face, and sees the dead beef. "Sarge, how's beef is that?" 

[Delmonico]

Delmonico tells the Sarge, ya kilt it, ya clean it.  Ok ya just want plain ol cowboy food ok, ya get that, I'll save the tour of other foods ya could have had in the old west fer Slim and I. 

If'n ya don't want anchovies Slim, ya got ta find some Eytallian sausage, or some pepperoni or some of the Eyetallian have that begains with a P, but I can't pronouce or spell.  I don't make no foo foo peaza like they make now with hamburger or pineapple.

And with that Delmonico heads back ta camp muttering bout "Damn Yankee's and Unrepented Rebels."

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge remarks how he'd rather be skinnin' yankees than the beef, but Delmonico was right........... this time.

Steer all gutted, skinned and quartered, the old half breed Reb stakes out the hide and starts scrapin' and rubbin' in the salt to cure the hide.

"Damned fool yankee. I'd'a given him the hide for himself. At least I'll be warm when them cold winds start to blow soon.........."

[Delmonico]

Delmonico is muttering back at the chuck wagon as only a cosie can mutter.

"Durn unrepented rebs don't want no sweetner in their cornbread, damn yankees do, rebs want white meal, yankees want yaller.  They wants beef, don't know nutin' bout cow camp cookin, but what they seen on the silver screen, to dumb ta know old time cowboys wanted the beef very well done, well that is what they gonna get."

"Try ta teach them that the 4 b's (beef, bacon, biscuits and beans) ain't what they have ta eat and they whine.  Then the durn ramrod don't even want anchovies on his peeeza."

"Next thing ya know that Norveegion that owns this ranch is gonna show up and want me ta fix Lutefisk and fruitsoup."

"That durn reb is gonna make that hide inta a soogun, the last one he did that to one, it wasn't done right, a chinook came through and we had ta bury his bedroll and all his clothes.  I hope he has spare ones this time, it got cold fore we could get him some ta replace the ones we buryed and he froze his................" 

"Worse thing is he wanted ta dance necked with a snake round his neck, said it would protect us from Injuns."

[gophergrease]

Cookin smells good,but why you save the ashes in the buckets?

[Trinity]

...
The boys in the creek well they start to laughin' but unbeknowct to them one of the chicken heads is a floatin' up behind them and ataches itself to Thinity's (well never you mind)..........

BB

"Now just wait a gall darned minute!  Ah aint "Thinity"  It's just cold in this here crik!!!"

TRinity removes the chicken head and finally feeling well enough, he climbs out of the creek.  Still somewhat sick but only slightly drunk he searches for an untainted bottle to put an end to all this soberness when he hears of the new hand.  BRUCE DERN!!!  Where is he?  

Trinity straps on his gun belt, and heads in the direction indicated by Slim until he comes to Bruce Dern.  "Draw you ornery cuss!" Screams Trinity.  "Ah din' never like none of your characters, and now Ah'm a gonna get even for John Wayne an them little boys!"

Bruce Dern reaches for his gun but that's the last thing he ever does.  Three shots emerge from Trinity's gun.  Bruce falls and so does Delmonico's horse.  No one is quite sure where the third bullet went.  Trinity says "Ah weren't sure which one was the real Bruce, so Ah had to let three fly  Whazzat?  Someone shot Delmonico's horse.  What kind of people do we have here??"

[gophergrease]

Delmonico, if I was to repent of my sins, and theres none them dam yanks need know of, it  meen I wasnt a good reb.
If ya make yeller corn bread it needs some black strap to cover the smell of the yank corn you used.
And for your pizza New York and that windy place dont know nothen about it, crust need to be thin. Just flour, lard, salt, water and a bit of soda. As to what to put on top sweet oil tomatos and basil. chesse or not if you like.

[Delmonico]

Durn, now we got another Reb ta deal with, might as well get some more damned Yankees.

Glad yer here Gopher Grease, Slim will be back with my anchovies, I gots a meat grinder and a fresh hog ham in the chuckwagon, you gets one of these no good cowhands ta turn the handle fer ya and grind out some hog meat and make some eytallian sausage fer you and me and Slims peeza.  I gots ta burn some steaks fer these other heathens, spices are in de spice cabinet it the chuckwagon.

Sarge ya got ta burry Bruce, durn ya I always liked his charecter, the best bad guy ever.

(Did any one notice the chuckwagon is starting ta sag?  Must talk ta Slim about it!)

[gophergrease]

Bring them yanks, I need to clean my pistol any way

[Delmonico]

You Johnny Rebs and Billy Yanks behave and don't be shootin' each other, the noise bothers me, besides that we're shorthanded as is thanks ta the Sarge. 

Now don't be botherin' me I got ta thunk about this chuckwagon thing abit, if'n I keep adding gear it's gonna collapes.
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(Still thinkin')
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I got it,  Death Valley Days, we will just add a new chuckwagon to our story, instead of three wagons with borax and a water tank, we will have three chuckwagons and a tank of cheap booze fer the crew.  Twenty Mule Teams ta pull it, (thats 40 mules Slim) and a future president ta narrate the whole thing.

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge sees what happens to Delmonico's horse and bust a gut laughin;. "Hey Delmonico, you frogs like horse meat. You gonna grind that up like that hog meat and try to pass it off as beef hash?

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

20 mule team!   I can hear the trumpet playing the theme now! heh heh heh  Never thunk it would be fer a food wagon, but thats better than trying to chew soap!

Brazos puts his mouth under the spicket and takes a few swallows, well maybe a few gulps!  Hey Delmonico I diidn't know Whiskey had suds?!  Whew, think I better go visit the Chic Sale!

Brazos runs off grabbin the Sears Catolog!

BB