Hospital Humor

[Delmonico]

As most know I have had a lot of flustration in my 3 visits (one of 10 day and two of 7 days) since the 27th of May when perritinitis caused by other complications not totally understood by moder medical science.Well cutting edge medicine has fixed it for a while again and I decided to start this thread a couple of days ago. 

One must keep yours spirits up in such cases, I have a purple quilt that goes with me and it is well know right now at the hospital  I have to sleep with one eye open or some of the nurses would steal it.

Well there are other ways to have a bit of fun.  (Yes I made one post surgigal walk with my hat, banndanna stove pipe boots and my backwards night shirt.

Well others have to have some humorus stories from such trips, I have reams of them, many of my own creation to intertain my self, a bit humorus, but tasteful because you never want to PO nurses, they can do bad things to you.  Many medical personel look at you funny when you say "POOP" so that is where my often used "PooP' comes from, but I had a male nurse this time that was from overseas that must not have learned "Bowel Movement" so he always said "POOP".   I was about ready to bust a gut laughin' but it wold have required more super glue and stiches.  (Yep I'm sort of held together with super glue right now. )

I also had a surgeon with a sense of humor so we now have a set of pictures of the internal working of a cosie, in color no less, but I lack the scanner to post them, but my liver looks just like one in a deer, but my stomach only has one chamber.  The lower colon is a mess but there are before and after pictures of the repairs using something similar to teflon.   (Cast iron would rust and be to heavy)

To save then from damage I put them in my 1955 edition of The Betty Crocker Cookbook, the one book I took with me. (sorry I cook by the throw and dump method, I need help to write things in terms you can understand)  The reason I don't take a lot of books is it's hard to read with a large tube hangin' out yer nose. 

Any way lets here your funny stories from these hated but wonderful places.  (Whining and complaing put in another seperate thread please. )

[Capt. Hamp Cox]

1973, Corpus Christi, TX, Spohn Hospital.

Back in the days before laparoscopic gallbladder surgery, mine went out, causing some of the most excruciating pain I've ever had.  A day or so post-op, the humorless surgeon, accompanied by the very prim head nurse of the floor I was on, came by to check the incision and my recovery progress.  Once the dressing was removed, the nurse began oohing and aahing about how neat the incision was, and how much she admired the surgeon's work.  I kind of cleared my throat and said "You know, he's not totally responsible for that, don't you?"  They both looked at me like I was crazy, and the doc says, "And just what do you mean by that?".  Trying to look as serious as I could, I said "Well now, it wasn't easy, but I held real still the whole time you were cuttin' on me."  Only grin in the room was on me, the others looking appalled that I could be so disrespectful in the presence of greatness.

[Forty Rod]

Short story: I got shot in 'Nam.  The slug went through the rubber, metal, and glass windshield frame of my jeep; the right pocket of my "bulletproof" vest; smashed a $45 pipe all to pieces and scattered my Borkhum Riff; pentrated the ceramic plate of the vest; hit the bottom right rib; and what was left after shedding  pieces everywhere it went, skidded along it just under the skin.

Knocked the wind out of me (had a bruise the size of a dinner plate) and, knowing I'd been shot, scared the bejabbers out of me.

My driver raced to a field hospital a couple of miles down the road with me folded over in the foot well and the civilian engineer we were transporting hanging on to me from the back seat.

Get me up on the table, strip me to the waist and the guy pushes what's left of the original bullet about three inches and it pops out of the hole.  He checks it out and gets a swab with some red stuff on it and proceeds to shove it into the wound.  Pain hit me, I hit the floor.  They get me back up again and I said something about the Medical Corrps picking the most sadistic SOBs to be Medics.

Guy looks at me and says, "Hell, Cap'n, I'm not a Medic.  I'm an ambulance driver, but everyone else is gone right now."

Back at Cam Ranh I had a "real" doctor check it out.  He told me he couldn't have done any better himself.

[Delmonico]

Love it.  My computor locked up and I thought this didn't post.

Luckly the humorless doctors are gettin' fewer and fewer along with humorless nurses.  They try to prevent it in school.

Never have been able to get enough help to pull it off, but I desire to drink apple juice from a clean unine speciman cup.

[litl rooster]

Delmonico if I was  closer I'd hook you up on the apple juice...Severals years back "Montana" had to have some minor surgerory" I went with her to the hospital. They took her in prep her and gave her what ever to knock her out. 2 shots of tequilla would have done it. While waiting for a nurse or tech to take her in too the op room I pushed her bed over to the window and was tring to open the window when they came for her. She was out cold. The nurse asked what i was doing, I told her she was complaining she was hot. I know the nurse didn't believe me and thought I was tring to dump her out the window. I tried to find a deceased person and switch the two with no luck.  Yes, I am a bad boy.

[Delmonico]

this is the 5th time I've had this same surgery, when I had it in 1998 they wheeled me into the operating room, the anestheioligist was listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon on a boom box.

The nurse in charge told him I got my choice on music, I requested Hank Sr.  He picked up a big needle and said no way, see you later.   I didn't get to listen to no music.

[Four-Eyed Buck]

they gots no sense of humor...........Buck

[Russ T Chambers]

Love it.  My computor locked up and I thought this didn't post.

Luckly the humorless doctors are gettin' fewer and fewer along with humorless nurses.  They try to prevent it in school.

Never have been able to get enough help to pull it off, but I desire to drink apple juice from a clean unine speciman cup.

What's after that Del,  eating an uwrapped Baby Ruth from a clean bedpan?      Might work!

[Delmonico]

Too many folks have seen Caddyshack, not original enough.  

[Grapeshot]

Back in 1983 I was scheduled for a hemroidectomy.  When I came to and wheeled into my room, the nurse told me I had to let them know when i had my first BM.

I had an IV in my arm and a cathater(sp) up my manhood.  Anyway, sometime during the night I had this urge to purge.  As I headed to the Latrine, I was at Kimbrough Army Hospital at Fort Meade, dragging the IV stand and that dang folley bag with me, I was hitr with the most excrutiating pain through my guts.  Seconds later I dropped my load onto the Hospital Floor.

Hobbling over to the kamode. I sat down and got rid of the rest of the stuff in my rectal canal and hit the "Nurse Button".

They came running in and wanted to know what I wanted.  So I told them, "You wanted to know when I had my first BM.  Well there it is on the floor."

I got some dirty looks, but they cleaned it up as I tried not to pass out while sitting on the throne.

[Scattered Thumbs]

So, what's the Hospital rumour? 

Er, You said humour? Nevermind.

[Delmonico]

Rumor is like scuttle butt, never mind, but when in doubt keep the back tied.

[Forty Rod]

Humour (Brit spelling of the perfecrtly good English word "humor") is seeing Del WITHOUT the back tied.

[Delmonico]

And one of those backwards night shirts followed me home this time.

Last Thurs day they gave me a brand new unused student nurse for my very own for the day.

Friday she was there when my doctor showed up, I introduced her and told him she was brand new and I was her very first patient.   He looked and me and told me, "becarful, you know what happened with the last new one you got. "  "But it wasn't all you fault she quit Nursing School."

[litl rooster]

Welcome back Del.

[Marshal harpoluke]

 

Glad to see Ya back Delmonico.

[Trinity]

Welcome back, Pard!!!!

[Curley Cole]

Del
Glad yer ok, yer story of the apple juice reminds me of me before I became a "respected" supervisor at a State facility for the developmentally disabled. I/we used to like to play jokes on the "new guys" (fng's in the service, but that aint politcally correct anymore) Once I came rushing up to a trainee handed him a bucket and told him the dishwasher was broke and we needed a bucket of steam to finish up....and to go to the power house to get it. He said he didn't have a car, so I tossed him my keys and let him drive mine...the guy at the power house was almost cryin when he called me...and the kid came right back with my car. altho a bit red faced..

Then when I was working in the acute part of the facility, I would often stage a urine cup in the fridge with part apple juice, part pineapple juice and some water. I would run in while the trainees were in taking a break, tell them I was so thirsty I could drink p(*&, throw open the fridge and slam down the "urine sample" totally grossed em out...(and they never switched cups on me...)

then I would show up at morning report with a Baby Ruth or an Oh Henry with toilet paper wrapped around the bottom, and quietly stand in the back nibbling on it til some one would notice, and again get horribly grossed.

We were truely a more gullible people back in those days....and could take a joke...

Curley the Psychiatric Technician....

[Old Top]

Curly,

Are you sure I never switched the cups?  Realy Realy sure?

Old (demented) Top

[Curley Cole]

Old Demented Top,

I did think that last one tasted a tad salty, but I just chalked it up as a pee back, I mean a payback...ahaaaaaaaaaa

cc