Stolen Joke

[Arcey]

Heard folks say that. I weren't there, dunno. Do know I've ne'er stole nobody's hat. From there the fifth.





Pair of jumper cables walk inta a bar.

Bartender sez, 'Y'all try'n start sumthin' yer outta here!'

[wildman1]

Termite walks inta a bar, says "where's the bar tender?" WM

[Major 2]

bar jokes huh ?

A string coils in a bar and orders a drink

Barkeeps says "we don't serve string in here"

So the string leaves....

but the next day,  he's back all twisted and shreaded and wadded up.

again he orders a drink ,

Barkeep shouts " I DON"T SERVE STRING " !

String yells back  " WHY ? "

Barkeep yells " Your a dam STRING !


String yells back ( wait for it )





" I"M   a fraid not    !

[Leo Tanner]

Little gal walks into a department store an heads fer the kitchen section.

A clerk approaches her and asks if he can help.

She says, "I need one of those things that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold:

Clerk asks if she means a Thermos.

Gal says, "I dunno, as long as it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".

Wanting to make sure he gets her the right item he asks her what she is planning to put in it.




She answers him,  "Two cups of coffee an a popsicle".

[Arcey]

Or the 88 fan what asked the chicky babe behind the counter it Dunkin Donuts how many cups his thermos would hold.

She tells 'im five.

He hands it to 'er 'n tells 'er he wants two black, two with cream 'n sugar 'n one with milk 'n two packets of Sweet 'n Low...........................

[litl rooster]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American! 

[Arcey]

Ole boy walks into an antique store and see's this brass rat sitting on a shelf. He can't keep his eyes off it, he has to have it. So he picks it up brings it to the counter and asks the clerk "how much". The clerk tells him, "that there's gonna run you $200."

"Derned expensive fer a brass rat but I gotta have it."

As the ole boy is leaving the antique store the clerk sez fer 'nother $100 'e'd tell 'im the tale of the brass."

The ole boy tells 'im where he kin put 'is story 'n leaves.

As 'e walks along, 'e notices he has five rats following him. He thinks to himself that this is strange but don't pay it any mind so he walks two more blocks towards his house 'n notices he has a hundred rats following him. Now he starts to run as fast as he can 'n soon he has all the rats in the city following him 'n he panics. So he gets to a bridge 'n throws the brass rat over 'n all the rats in the city jump in after it and drown.

The ole boy goes back to the antique dealer huffin' 'n puffin', whips open the door. The clerk says, "So now you want to hear the tale of the brass rat huh?" 'n the ole boy replies, "Hell no man! Wonderin' if you had any brass democrats."

[litl rooster]

 

[Major 2]

I love IT ! 

[Forty Rod]

Well, did he?  Get any brass Democrats, I mean.   

[Arcey]

Obviously, if 'e did 'e ain't tossed it in the drink yet. Still hearin' the grifters on the news........

[Mogorilla]

Funny,
1. I know how to fold a fitted sheet, it looks like all the rest.  This is my super power, my wife is in awe, and it is a great plus when I do something stupid, I go fold a sheet and I am forgiven.

2.  I had trouble in grade school, Cursive writting was totally not what I thought it was.   I met the "board of education" for that one!

Here is my stolen one, from Buddy Hackett.

A Giraffe walks into a bar, says "Hi-balls are on me." 

[litl rooster]

I loved the humor of Buddy Hackett

[Mean Bob Mean]

Here's my stolen joke:

Two old friends sitting in a bar.  One smiles, points at a couple of old drunks and says "Boy, if we're not carfeul, that will be us in a few years."

His friend says:  "Look again.  That's a mirror."

[The Trinity Kid]

Two drunks run into a bar.  One looks at the other and says, "ouch."

--TK

[Arcey]

Annie Candish goes to Father O'Day after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. 

"What's bothering you, Annie my dear?"

"Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Annie, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last words?"

"That he did, Father. That he did."

"What did he say, Annie?"

"He said, 'Please Annie, put that damn shotgun down!'"

[Major 2]

A guy is sitting in chair in front of the TV,  his wife walks in and hits him over the head with frying pan.

He staggers to his feet, says "what the hell was that for ? "

She said "I found the note in your dirty pants pocket with Jeanette written all over it..... "

he says " dang woman, that's the name of the Horse I bet on last weekend !"

The wife is all apologetic , and fixes his favorite dinner to make up.

The next night , she brains him with an even bigger frying pan...

when he comes to,  he sputters out " what the Hell, woman ? "

She say's......... "Your horse just called ! "

[litl rooster]

Obama and Eric Holder are on a boat at sea. The boat begins to sink, who is saved?












The United States

[Arcey]

Hearin' Anthony Weiner's gonna wanna run for president. Wants Eric Holder fer 'is VP.

Bumper stickers'll read 'Vote The Weiner Holder Ticket in '16'

[The Trinity Kid]

"If your brain was gunpowder and it blew up, your hair wouldn't even ruffle, you SOB."
      Calamity Jane.

--TK