Stolen Joke

[litl rooster]

truely stolen

[litl rooster]

In memory of Bob!!


Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday...

[Leo Tanner]

Balieve it er not, the first time I heard that joke was from a preacher.  He's normally very serious so that one threw me.

[Six Gun Saint]

Antonio came home from his job at the meat factory one day.

He said, "Sophia my love, they took my job.  Fired me for sticking my finger in the sausage stuffer!"

Sophia looks at him, angry, and asks "What harm can your finger do to the sausage stuffer?!"

Antonio stands up and says "That's what SHE WANTED TO KNOW!"

---

I'll get my coat and see myself out.

[Sir Charles deMouton-Black]

After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.                                       


"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the Newfie.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a--hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[litl rooster]

A Newfie is like the equvialant of a West Virginian here



I just stole this from "Indy" at another site


Homeless Mans Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[Leo Tanner]

Doh!

[Arcey]

A drunk hails a cab 'n snatches open the front passenger's door.

'Hey, Cabbie! Can ya carry a couple pizzas 'n a twelve pack up here?'

'Sure!'

Drunk barfs all o'er the front seat......................

[Texas Lawdog]

YUCK!

[Sir Charles deMouton-Black]

[Silver Creek Slim]

That is great.

Slim

[The Trinity Kid]

There's an old precher, known for giving two hour sermons.  One week his sermon is only an hour, the next half the next fifteen minutes.  Finally, one Sunday he doesn't preach at all.  One of the Deacons comes up and asks him what's wrong and he replies, "I got new dentures and they're still breaking in."
   Well, the next Sunday, this preacher really lays it to them with a four hour sermon, at which point the deacons have to wrestle him to the ground to get him to stop. When he does eventually stop, he pulls out his dentures and lays them on the floor. The same Deacon as the previous week asks him what happened, to which the preacher replies, " Remind me never to borrow my wifes dentures again."


--TK

[Arcey]

L'il gal goes ta 'er grand ma's with 'er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit 'n talk 'n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they're leavin' he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet 'er 'n thanks 'er for the nuts.

'I'm glad ya enjoyed 'em.' She sez. 'Hate ta see 'em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'n spit 'em out.'



Thought since we were talkin' dentures........................

[Steel Horse Bailey]

L'il gal goes ta 'er grand ma's with 'er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit 'n talk 'n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they're leavin' he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet 'er 'n thanks 'er for the nuts.

'I'm glad ya enjoyed 'em.' She sez. 'Hate ta see 'em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'n spit 'em out.'



Thought since we were talkin' dentures........................

      

[The Trinity Kid]

Okay than.....

--TK

[Arcey]

Duck walks inta a 7-11.

'Got any grapes?'

'No. We don't carry grapes.'

Next day, duck comes back.

'Got any grapes?'

'Ain't what we do, duck. No, no grapes.'

Next day, duck comes back.

'Got any grapes?'

'Look, duck! We're a 7-11! We don't sell grapes 'n if you come back askin' tomorrow I'm gonna nail yer stinky l'il feet to the floor!'

Next day, duck comes back.

'Got any nails?'

'NO!'

Duck sez, 'Great! Got any grapes?'

[The Trinity Kid]

--TK

[litl rooster]

Yeppppp!

[Arcey]

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

[litl rooster]

that's a true story