Stolen Joke

[litl rooster]

Just spit coffee thru my nose

[Delmonico]

Just spit coffee thru my nose

Better than sourmash, did that once, wasn't no fun.

[Major 2]

Wanted to update you on my diet plan.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in

excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next

four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in

better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I

discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to

go for broke and calls the company to order the 5-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our

most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find

a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

[Mean Bob Mean]

I got to be this old by respecting my elders.

Some of you whipper-snappers are reducing your odds of doing the same.

Think about it.      

I respect anyone who uses the term Whipper-snapper!

[Forty Rod]

And well you should.

Probably live long enough to use the term yourself someday.  

[litl rooster]

And well you should.

Porbably live long enough to use the term yourself someday.  

already out lived my doctor - hey old timer ya got a light.

[Forty Rod]

A light what?

[Sir Charles deMouton-Black]

A light what?

"Training Beer"!

[Sir Charles deMouton-Black]

I stole this from my Pard, PALADIN UK;

Confucius did NOT say;

Man who  wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of  fly.

Lady who  goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel  who runs up woman's leg will not find  nuts.

Man who  leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who  runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets  exhausted.

Man who  eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Man who  fight with wife all day get no piece at  night.

It takes  many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill  it.

Man who  drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who  stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who  live in glass house should change clothes in  basement.

Man who  fish in other man's well often catch  crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY .....



"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood  !

[The Trinity Kid]

Couple a'  jokes from another forum.

"Beer contains female hormones.  After consuming, one can neither drive, or shut up!"


Kind of a math joke, here.

"If one pours root beer into a square cup, does it become beer?"


--TK

[Major 2]

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.



The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[Mean Bob Mean]

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego ,

Nice way to remake a golden oldie, the clean up and additions made me laugh. 

[litl rooster]

For people who use terms like "Whipper snapper" and those other old guys.


The towels in the hotel were so fluffy, i could hardly close my suitcase.


Henny Youngman




*Note only old guys would understand suitcase.

[Arcey]

A guy said to me, "There's only 10 snow geese left in the world." I said, "One craps on my car, there'll be 9."

Buddy Hackett

[Major 2]

Obama finally spoke out about the be-heading ....

He say " he be-heading out to vacation som mo "

[Arcey]

The presidential golf cart. POTUS 1:

[litl rooster]

FOX news asked the POTUS what group made the worst drivers... He replied 3 wood.

[litl rooster]

Haircuts


Somehow George Bush and obama ended up in the same barbershop. Both sitting in separate chairs with separate barbers. Neither ever speaking to each other. The tension was thick and the neither barber spoke in fears of a political debate.
The barber finally finish the shave on obama and turned to get the aftershave. obama  spoke saying, no thank you moochelle will think i have been in a whorehouse.
The barber tending George Bush finishes and ask him if he would like some aftershave? George replied, yes thank you. Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

[Major 2]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she could not have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was
probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the hell I am now...

[litl rooster]

Poor Johnny