TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Late Night Studying*
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Minister Call*
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Stern Announcement*
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down*
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Today's giggles...
________________________________
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight
started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the
beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And
that's when the fight started.
*********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
Choke! ;D ;D ;D
TODAY'S LAUGH
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
TODAY'S LAUGH
School Carpool
It was my day to drive the carpool. We were riding home from school this afternoon when a 5 year old asked me how the moon shines.
Trying to sound smarter then a 5 year old, I explained, "The light from the Sun is hitting the moon and being reflected back and we are able to see the light. It's like when you look into a mirror and the light reflects back your image and you can see yourself." I was very proud of myself for sounding brighter then this child.
She promptly replied, "Mrs. Snodgrass, I never glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it glow?"
Well, she had me there and I answered, "That is why your parents are sending you to school...so you can find out and tell me."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Some Things You Can't Escape
A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
So not to be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back roads until he reached his wife's house.
When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed,
"You lousy bum! Where have you been? You escaped more than six hours ago!"
George's Mother-In-Law
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's
what I want to do."
The Consul says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!
TODAY'S LAUGH
Texas Cruise
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
Their First Dishwasher
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty- four minutes of the dish washing cycle.
Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting,
"It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"
The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the dishwasher was useless.
She decided to look for herself, and there it was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: .
. . . . . "USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Editors' Note: In my house we have two dishwashers . . . my left and and my right hand . .
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Geneology Question*
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Age Advice*
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Vacuum Repair*
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
*Boat Compromise*
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND, IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN) ...
To those of us who have children in our lives --
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or, students --
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And, the first thing He said was
'DON'T!'
'Don't what?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.
'Forbidden fruit? .
We have forbidden fruit? Hey! Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!'
'No way!'
'Yes way!'
'Do NOT eat the fruit !'
said God.
'Why?'
'Because I am your Father, and I said so !' God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break,
and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?'
God asked.
'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.
'Then why did you?'
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it!'
Adam said.
'Did not!' 'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
If you have persistently, and lovingly, tried to give children wisdom, and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for YOU?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down, and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat, word for word,
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes ...
but, they are still getting in!
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids --
they will choose your
nursing home one day.
And, FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION,
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN,'
and, 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!!!'
TODAY'S LAUGH
Mom why have I got. . .
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to
stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom . . ."
"Yes son?"
. . ."Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
TODAY'S LAUGH
A Perfect Angel
Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us. When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved. "She was an angel," I informed her.
"Really?" she questioned.
"Yes, really. A perfect angel." I assured her.
"I just don't understand. Whenever she is with you she is well behaved. Whenever she is at home, she is a monster. She misbehaves for everyone else. In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class. How come she always behaves for you?" My sister in law asked.
"I don't know. I guess I just have a way with children. I also try to educate them as well. A child is never to young to learn." I answered.
"What do you mean. What did you teach her?" She inquired.
"Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process. I explained this concept very carefully to her." I informed my sister-in-law.
"Really? You explained this to her at 13?" She asked dumbfounded.
"Well actually she was much younger when I explained this. She now understands death perfectly. Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective."
> Dividing Pecans
>
> On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
>
> Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. 'Oh my,' he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
>
> 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself.'
>
> Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
>
> At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done.'
>
> They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
[b]*Computer Error*
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
....IDIOT....
I used to like Harold.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*How Can Any Student Pass?*
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days. Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being) - means 15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays) - 40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!! Days left = 0
How can any student pass?
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh [/b]
*Cake Disaster*
Many years ago my just married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.
She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Bull Healing*
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Is That A Record
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
These two churches are next to each other. That's the way I heard it anyway.
Pun Intended...
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me
A-A-A-A-R-G-H ( That's a groan on the edge of hurling.)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
You don't really believe . . .
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her,
"You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you
believe that?"
"Oh, absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - I mean, how did he breathe?"
"I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies. . .
. . . "In that case, you can ask him!"
;D ;D ;D
You Must Believe!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Submitted by: Olga & Joe
Not Likely*
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Free Will*
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Interpreting Hotel Brochures*
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Patio Problem*
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Funeral Music*
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Division of Labor
The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
Flying over Arizona
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, folks, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.
It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
Just then the blonde sitting next to me exclaimed:
"Wow, look! It just missed that highway!"
*The Batchelor*
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Quick Thinking
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Away Messages*
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Brave Firefighters
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*A Hi-Tech Litmus Test*
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Columbus's Words to Queeen Isabella
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge.
We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.
While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.
Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.
His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."
*Anti-Burglar Signs*
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
*Parking Lot Stay*
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S LAUGH
A Good Excuse
Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other
things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:
1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I'll start eating when I get older.
8. I don't really have time to eat.
9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Lost Ball*
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Car Privileges*
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Clergy Golf*
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Clergy Crowd Control*
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass an offering plate."
He got the job.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S LAUGH
Mom's Dictionary
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
TODAY'S LAUGH
Fire
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the Statistician actually does something. He runs around the room lighting more fires. The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?"
The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Milk Switch*
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Traffic Laughs*
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Garage Wow*
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
You Make Me Laugh
Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website. We honor your privacy and time If this newsletter no longer meets your needs, please use the unsubscribe link at the bottom of this newsletter and you will be removed immediately.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Elementary Motherhood*
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Money Worries*
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Fly Delta
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
Oh, that is so not funny! But I can't help laughing...you find such good material! :laugh:
*I Love My Job*
I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Cops and Robbers*
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S LAUGH
The Last Thing I Remember . . .
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Shakespearean in Dallas*
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Surgical Tools*
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
DAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Bank Arrangements*
Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Car Names
What those car-company names REALLY stand for:
ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
AMC
Another Major Catastrophe
BMW
Bavarian Manure Wagon
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks
FIAT
Fix It Again, Tony!
FORD
Found On Road, Dead
GEO
Good Engineering Overlooked
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
What those car-company names REALLY stand for:
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable AND Inexpensive
JEEP
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
or
Old ladies driving slowly making others behind insanely late everyday
PINTO
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB
Sad Attempt At Beauty
SATURN
Sorry about that unusual rattling noise
SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
Doctors' Visit
An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually . . .
. . . "Hello doctor, here I am again
*Kidnapped*
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."
*Yard Sale Anger*
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Lost*
Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).
Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.
"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Pig Call*
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
The Northern Lights
This guy, Bob, (oh, it's you Bob - that guy) and his girlfriend, Alice, lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights. They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it.
So, they set out on their trip and they're both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.
Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field to park in and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. Bob, who's been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he's jumping up and down like a little kid.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine.
He can't believe it! So he says . . .
. . . . "What's the matter? ... Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?"
*Mowing the Lawn*
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*More Bulletin Bloopers*
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
*Missing Bags*
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
*Leak Repair*
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
Dressing Down*
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
Matching Clubs
A millionaire had fallen ill. All the doctors that were consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the rich man said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."
With that, the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the millionaire for some months. Then one day, he got a phone call from him.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good
enough for you. So I had pools installed, and they're all ready for you now!"
Seniors Breakfast
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said."But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously.
"YES!!" ----
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS We've been around the block more than once.
Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner . . .
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn'tnotice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
*Oriskany Falls*
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
*Flight Fear*
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
*Lost In Jail*
I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.
"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."
He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."
Knowing the Numbers*
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
*Happy Birthday Elsie*
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
*Swahili Gasp*
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
*Good Old Days*
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
*Philosophy Chair*
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
*Gender Request*
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
*Tycoon Banter*
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*A Primer For Accordion Beginners*
Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.
Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.
They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most important:
1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the stupid "C".
By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.
Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.
*New Diet*
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
*2 Requests*
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
*Pawn Return*
In 1952 I was in the Army and had just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
*Coast Guard Lingo*
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Post Card Help*
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Parts Search*
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Need a Pen?*
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
*Correct Response*
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Baking
A Baking Recipe For Mothers. . .
1. Preheat the oven. Check to be sure there are no rubber balls or plastic soldiers lurking on the shelves.
2. Remove blocks and toy cars from table. Grease pan. Crack nuts.
3. Measure 2 cups flour. Remove Johnny's hands from the flour. Wash flour off him. Re-measure flour.
4. Crack more nuts to replace those that Johnny ate. Put flour, baking powder, and salt in sifter. Get dust pan and brush up pieces of bowl that Johnny knocked on the floor. Get another bowl.
5. Answer the door-bell. Return to kitchen. Remove Johnny's hands from the bowl again. Wash Johnny. Answer the phone. Return to Kitchen.
6. Remove 1/2-inch salt from the greased pan. Look for Johnny. Grease another pan. Answer phone. Return to kitchen and find Johnny.
7. Take up greased pan and remove layer of nut shells in it. Head for Johnny who runs, knocking the bowl off the table.
8. Wash the kitchen floor, table, walls, and dishes.
9. Call the bakery and place an order. Take two aspirins and lie down.
10. Yikes!! Don't forget to turn the oven off!
Drummer Problems. . .
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
*Maranatha*
David Jeremiah told of this one conference where a pastor was talking to the group and said "If nothing else, I want you to remember this one word; maranatha. It means 'The Lord comes'. So when you leave today, you can just greet each other 'maranatha'!"
Later, a boy went out and greeted one of his Christian friends by loudly calling out "Marijuana!"
*75 Stories*
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
*Denture Feedback*
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
*Healthful Place*
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
*Kitchen Help*
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid. "Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner. Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Toaster Oven*
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
*Academic Phrases and Meanings*
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"In my experience"... once.
"In case after case"... twice.
"In a series of cases"... thrice.
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
*Instrument Test*
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
*What Happened*
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
*Coin Test*
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
The Twelve Days Of Christmas Turkey
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard as we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door, the turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried but we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince when he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter, I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas poor dad began to cry, he said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.
On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue and everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was molting, mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas at last dad smacked his lips, the guests had gone the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!
- Author Unknown
*What's Good Tonight?*
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
*Car Moving*
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You*
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Neighborhood Explosion*
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
*Snack Costs*
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
Bear Update
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
Are you Kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young engineer, who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about."
"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The engineer replied.
"Well, would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?" replied the HR person.
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
*Job Impressions*
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
*Parachute Training*
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Heredity*
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Teacher Tech Help*
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Breakthrough
A very long time ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.
*Second Wave*
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
Too Much Technology
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
*Guard Dog*
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
Landing Request*
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
*Overdrawn*
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
How it All Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called: Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
*Dining Problem*
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
*Real 911 Calls*
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
*Build It and They Will Come*
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
*Party Favor*
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
Newly Pierced Ears
The Students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
How Big?
While trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"
*VIP Impression*
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
I now have a whole new outlook on life.
*Emergency Flowers*
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
*Signs of Aging*
You know you're getting older if:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Parking Confusion*
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S LAUGH
Co-ed Hunting
A wife displeased about being a hunting widow, secretly bought a gun, got a hunting license, purchased camoflauge, and took shooting lesssons so she could hunt with her husband. On the first day of hunting season, her husband was about to leave when, to his amazement she shows up all decked out with gun in hand.
"Where are you going?" asked the husband.
"Hunting with you," replied the wife.
"You can't go because you have no license and don't know how to shoot a gun." remarked the husband.
"Yes I do, I bought a gun, got a license, and took shooting lessons. I'm going! she demanded.
Sensing that it was useless, he said,"ok."
When they got out to the field the husband took her to a tree stand, placed her in it and told her not to move and make damn well sure she shot at a deer and not another hunter. Then the husband made his way to his stand. Shortly, 3 shots rang out from the direction of his wife. The husband jumped down from his stand and began making his way to his wife. While some distance away he could hear his wife shouting, "it's my deer. It's MY deer!"
As he got closer he saw a man beside his wife and heard him say, "Ok, lady. You can have the deer. Just let me get my saddle off him first!"
TODAY'S LAUGH
Do You Have a Hobby?
Bill and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.
"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"
"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."
"Well, you must live in the country then."
"Nope, right here in the city... in Richmond."
"Really? You must have a large house then."
"Nope, apartment."
"Geez, where do you keep'm?"
"A shoe box in my closet."
"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"
"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"
"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"
"So what? I hate bees."
*Dog Weather*
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The Cat
CLEAN LAUGH
Buse Fare
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*PC Assets*
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
*Exact Address*
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Singing Fish
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
*Sports Injury*
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey?"
"No"
"Do you play soccer?"
"No"
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
Primitive People
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."
Aunt Emma
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Eventually, the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast.
"My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"
*Wireless Security*
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed
*A Dollar Per Point*
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
*Conch Sale*
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."
Small bulbs inside an artificial conch shell (probably made of a ceramic material) were the rage in the early 1950s as a TV light.
I think as soon as that fad ended, the pink flamingo craze started.
Good Bye Wisdom?
A university student was told by his dentist that he would have to have his wisdom teeth removed.
Concerned about the expense, he consulted his roommate. "I'm not sure I can afford to have my wisdom teeth pulled," he complained.
"I know," his friend replied seriously. "I've seen your SATs."
The Correct Response
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is always, "Do I look stupid?"
TODAY'S LAUGH
A Clear Conscience . . .
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
TODAY'S LAUGH
"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up and you have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
A Great Time in Texas
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."
*Vendor Problem*
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Applause*
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
*Fearless Leader*
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
Renegade Alien Bovines a Potential National Threat?
GUERNSEY, NEW JERSEY – Officials at the North American Bovine Watch Association (NABWA) have issued a new warning level in the continuing watch of a potential invasion of renegade alien bovines in the nation's homeland.
The warning level has been raised one color code to "Red Sindhi," meaning all North American inhabitants should remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to deter potential renegade alien bovine attacks.
"We are encouraging the public at large to stay alert and to exercise caution in handling all milk-related products, but not to panic," advises NABWA Chief Deputy Officer, Lawrence Longhorn. "At a Red Sindhi level, there will be increased surveillance of critical locations, coordination of emergency plans, and the continuing assessment of characteristics of threat and the enforcement of pre-planned protective measures."
The impending attacks are being closely monitored, as a widespread galactic extremist group of renegade alien bovines remain vehemently opposed to the usage of recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone in North American food processing. These radical followers of Holy Cow have threatened nothing short of expiration on any family farmer or consumer who supports the practice of treating cows with rBGH or participates in supporting rBGH through consumption.
Various alleged incidents in the past month have contributed to NABWA raising the warning level to its current status. At a recent Crosswalk.com chat featuring musician Kevin Max (dc Talk), chatters were subjected to possible surveillance and chat infiltration when discussion of renegade alien bovines occurred spontaneously, and without warning, during normally scheduled chat question-and-answer points. Investigations are still underway and an official pronouncement of findings is still pending regarding Max's comments in response to a chatter's inquiry of his favorite snack and his response of "an alien bovine steak." The Holy Cow extremists have not as yet claimed responsibility for said incident.
National activist group MOO (Milk ... but Only Ordinary), which also opposes rBHG as well as cow-tipping, has already begun planning a presidential protest to be held in the south pasture of the White House lawn later this month. The event will be open to MOO members, as well as all sympathizers to the cause of the Holy Cow.
In addition, residents of India who are opposed to impending NABWA retaliation efforts have begun daily protests in the capital city of New Delhi. Other related groups are threatening boycotts of all McDonald's franchises within the country's geographic boundaries which will purportedly have a significant dietary effect on the 1+ billion population.
Signs That Your Cat is Hanging Around with the Wrong Crowd:
One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.
Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."
You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."
Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.
Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-KITTY-CAT-MEOW."
You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been raiding stores in the neighborhood.
After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.
Renegades' Latest Strike Leaves Men In Blue Pensive
For the second time in the last month, The Lobby Queens came into work today and were aghast to find all of their blue pens missing - that is with the exception of two blue pens which had since run out of ink. Inexplicably, the perpetrators of this horrific crime left behind a number of black, green, and red pens. A witness says that she saw someone or somethingleaving the office late last night. Though she did not get a good look at the likely culprit, she did catch a glimpse of the green creature rounding a corner, and she heard the jingling of what may have been a bell of some sort.
In addition to this eye witness account, police are looking into a suspcious cow-shaped UPS employee who recently delivered a package to the Crosswalk office complex. They are considering the possibility that this is the latest in a series of crimes committed by the much feared extraterrestial gang known as the "Renegade Alien Bovines." As to the group's preference for blue pens, police can only speculate.
A world-renowned criminologist who was brought in to assist with the investigation, and who prefers to remain unnamed, believes that the Bovines may find nourishment in the highly sought after blue ink. Police are considering this explanation, as well as the possibility that the Renegades are planning to use the azure liquid to power some otherworldy device of destruction.
Whatever their agenda, the Bovines continue to terrify people the world over. Police are asking the public for help in locating the very dangerous alien bovines before they can strike again. They are also seeking any additional theories regarding the Renegades' intentions for the stolen blue pens.
Until the case of the missing pens is solved, Police are suggesting that local residents take extra precautions to protect their blue pen supply.
*Gated Community*
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
*Dollar Measure*
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Incredible Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of the word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY-> When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST-> When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
DESPERATION-> When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE-> When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES-> When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM
ANIMOSITY-> When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW-> When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS-> When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT->When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO-> When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
*Fast Driver*
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
*Pay Mistakes*
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"
Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake  but not two in a row!"
*Cleaning Instructions*
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
Pilot Talk
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
Down to the Barber Shop
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop.
He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave....
After being nicked by the barber several times - Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
Barber replies "Well yes sir I do would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said "Well not exactly - but I thought I might could defend myself..!"
How Did Julius Caesar Die?
It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab wounds by Brutus ... but rather he was poisoned.
At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some
poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar's salad!)
When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?"
To which Julius gasped in reply: . . . "Ate two, Brutus."
Frightening the Children
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
Missed Bus*
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
*Still More Bulletin Bloopers*
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
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TODAY'S LAUGH
We Have a Serious Problem
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Ruthie a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Ruthie was at school, he disappeared again.
My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Ruthie, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Ruthie came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."
*Razor Request*
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
Trains
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Payback!
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
*Jar 47*
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.Thompson was cured and fled the room!
*Dishwasher Repair*
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
*Boat Compromise*
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Rattlesnake Ammo*
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
*Cute Baby*
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
*Slow Train*
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
*Watermelon Mistake*
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
*Prescription Worries*
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
*Tree Faller*
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
*Lengthy Discourse*
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"
His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Judgement day
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.'
God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
*Historical Application*
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
*Shopping Remote*
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."
*Movie Seats*
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*At Home*
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
*Flower Oil*
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
*Boring Flight*
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.
"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."
When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."
The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.
The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.
*Kid Wisdom*
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
TODAY'S LAUGH
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road??
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
GRANDMA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
KARL MARX : It was a historical inevitability.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
The Contest
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the scholarship of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's YOUR question," said Thompson as he took the money.
*Laws of Parenthood*
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
The Easter Story According To Kids
Shortly before Easter Bob's son drew a picture of the crucifixion scene. Bob noticed the picture had an airplane in the top corner.
"Son, this is a wonderful picture," Bob said. "But what is the airplane doing?"
"Dad, don't you know?" the boy replied. "That's Pontius Pilot!"
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Kiersten, 5, was having a discussion with Destini, 6. Destini was insisting that Jesus is dead. Kiersten insisted that Jesus is alive.
They began to argue, so Kiersten's mother, Penny, interfered.
"Destini," Penny said, "Kiersten is right. Don't you know that's why we celebrate Easter? Easter is the day that Jesus rose from the dead. He was killed and they buried Him and three days later He arose from the dead."
Destini asked where they buried Him. Penny told her it was actually in a cave over in Israel. "And after they put Him in the cave, they rolled a very, very, very big stone over the doorway," Penny said.
At that point Kiersten interrupted and added, "That was to keep Him warm!"
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Bev was telling her four-year-old son about the Easter season. When she started telling about Jesus, he said, "You mean they're after Him AGAIN?"
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Faith, 3, went to Good Friday services. That night she prayed, "Thank You, Jesus, for dying on the Cross. And thank You we didn't have to watch!"
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When Bonnie's daughter was four, they attended an Easter pageant about the death and Resurrection of Christ. The play was beautiful with magnificent costumes and scenery.
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Bonnie made sure Robyn had an aisle seat so that she wouldn't miss a thing. Jesus came staggering down the aisle carrying the cross. Big Roman soldiers pushed and shoved him.
Robyn watched with wide eyes. At the reception following the performance, one of the actors who played a Roman soldier came over to Robyn, kneeled down and quietly asked her, "Did you enjoy the play?"
Robyn wagged her finger at him and said, "You BAD man! Bad! Bad man! You hurt my Jesus!"
True stories reprinted from newsletter:
"The Funny Things Kids Say Will Brighten Any Day!":
http://www.funnykids.com
*Unique Breakfast*
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
*Dollar Math*
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
*Coffee Vending Machine*
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
Easter Dress
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the Children's Sermon". All the children were invited to come forward and one little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress. As she sat down the Pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a real pain to iron."
All I needed To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
*Anesthesiologist Bill*
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
*Biggest Lie*
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Cross Country Move*
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Fairway Drive . . . .
Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.
The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.
Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.
When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."
*Needle Manners*
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
*Baby Growth*
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
Geraniums
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,
"We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly,
"No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
*Toilet Repair*
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
*Ski Wax*
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
*Shoebox Dolls*
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
*Cheap Hearing Aid*
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
Holy Math
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like Y = AX squared + BX + C."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like Y = AX squared + BX + C ?'"
Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas
*Chute Error*
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
TODAY'S LAUGH
Dear Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend alot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Brandon
P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
Children in church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out... "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
*"R" Troubles*
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
*Hybrid Car*
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
*Doctor's Orders*
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
Stranded!
G.K. Chesterton and several other literary figures were once asked what book they would prefer to have with them if they were stranded on a desert island.
"The complete works of Shakespeare," said one writer without hesitation.
"I choose the Bible," said another.
"How about you?" they asked Chesterton.
"I would choose Thomas' Guide to Practical Shipbuilding," replied Chesterton.
*Proposal Condition*
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
*First Job Hunting*
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
*Gold Watch*
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
*Three Day Silence*
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
*Two Feet*
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the brake and accelator."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Traffic Court
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."
*Dog Employee*
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"
*Golf Friendless*
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
*Diagnosis*
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
*Record Store*
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
*Golf Lesson*
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.
The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
*The Front Pew*
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
*Ice Capades*
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
TODAY'S LAUGH
Procrastinator's Creed
.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
*Arguing*
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
*Love Campaign*
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
TODAY'S LAUGH
Why Men Are Just Happier People!!!!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5,000; tux rental - $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
Ahhh – it's good to be the man . . .
*Golf Quitter*
Two men were chatting casually at work over the water cooler. The conversation turned to golf and one asked the other, "Do you play?"
"Yes, the younger man replied, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I consistently shot in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low intake of breath, then the other man said, "Lower seventies, huh?"
"Yes," his coworker said.
"Consistently?"
"Yup, Every hole," the younger man said with a sigh.
*Hamster Care*
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
*Beef Prices*
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
*Military Man*
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
*Priory Priority*
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my iPhone in there."
Snake Trouble
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
. . . . . . . . . This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
*Family Togetherness*
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
Snail Groaner
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.
And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say . . . .
. . . . "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
*Suspicious Delivery*
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
Wonderful!!!
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Rejection Rejection*
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke
That sounds like an answer worth remembering.
*Minivan Tow*
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
*Stockbroker's Secretary*
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
Software Engineering
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
TODAY'S LAUGH
The Sitcom Computer
There apparently exists, somewhere in L.A., a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms.
When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer. After sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out "Three Quirky but Attractive Young People Living in an Apartment", and the executives turn this concept into a show.
The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out "Six Quirky but Attractive Young People Living in an Apartment".
Then, next time it spits out "Four Quirky but Attractive Young People Living in an Apartment" and so on.
We need to locate this computer and destroy it before any more harm is done.
*Cat Sitting*
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
*Tired Son*
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
*Hand Dryers*
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Coach Call*
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Rewiring*
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
Join the Band
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
*Preacher's Best Years*
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
*4 Year Ceiling*
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Lawyer Son*
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
*Time Off*
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
*Ride To Church*
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
TODAY'S LAUGH
A Lieutenant with Poor People Skills
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters but lacked a few social graces.
One day, he called a soldier into the office and said, "Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart.
After the soldier left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent to him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis, when Private Taylor's grandfather passed away.
The next morning at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? . . . . . . Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
*Shopping Plan*
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
*Speeding Registration*
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Photo Apology*
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman
complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had
taken.
"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took
your picture, I was ten years younger."
*Hunting Pairs*
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Chocolate Calories*
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Tech Smoke*
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*I Always Wondered About That*
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Live to 100*
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
`
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Measuring Hunger*
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
`
Roof Leak*
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
*Gate Boarding*
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Service for One*
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
`
*Sleeping Leg*
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress .
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Government Farm Visit*
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"
`
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Card Name*
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
`
You Make Me Laugh Thursday, July 16, 2009
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Fishing Advice*
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
`
*What's Wrong Now?*
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
`
Delayed Flight
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky.
His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked.
"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
`
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You Make Me Laugh Monday, July 20, 2009
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH
*Employment History*
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
`
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
`
Paper Eater
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."
'
French Dream
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
,
Just Visiting Here
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
`
TODAY'S LAUGH
Broken Phone
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
`
Back To School
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
``
Overboard Rescue
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
`
Mouse Repellant
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellant, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
`
Chapped lips
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.
That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Author Unknown
`
Jury Excuse
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
`
Tournament Weather
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
`
Collateral
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
`
OUCH!!!! :laugh:
Larryj
Wake Up Call
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
`
It's Time to Diet & Exercise When...
..you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
..your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.
..you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."
..you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
..you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
..you step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone."
..to you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The Impossible Dream" become the same song.
..you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
`
Ha! You did make me laugh. Remember the talking scale that said, "Warning! Warning! Back off! 300 pound weight limit!"
Thanks Judy
Larryj
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Military Intials
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
So I did.
Friday, August 7, 2009
ID Card
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it" was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."
`
Cheaters . . . .
Bill and Steve were seated next to each other while taking a test. When they had finished, the teacher called them up to her desk. "Sorry boys," she said, "but both of you will be receiving a zero on the test."
"But, why?" they asked.
"Looking over your answers and noting how very alike they are, it is obvious that one of you cheated and the other one let him do it," replied the teacher.
"That could just be a coincidence, Miss Ames," Bill said. "What would make you think we cheated?"
"Well," the teacher replied, "I might have believed it was a coincidence if it wasn't for the fact that when you got to question number 8, Steve wrote 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Bill, wrote in 'darn, neither do I'."
`
Ladder Borrow
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
Salt and Mensa
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
`
Correction
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
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The Beginning
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
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Sermon Comment
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
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New Miracle Doctor
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out,
"This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
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Smuggler Prosecution
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
`
Prescription Check
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
Van Problem
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
TODAY'S LAUGH
Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Tornados
For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes and are hearing news coverage of this, here is a short glossary to help you understand.
Fujita Scale: used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and their severity.
F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick. (People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.)
F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.
F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town.
F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.
The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight.
Meteorologist:
A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.vs..: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
Storm Chaser:
Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.
Tranquilizer:
What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through the tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds.
Moore, Oklahoma or Tornado Alley, Alberta:
A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet here and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of the Midwest.
Bathtub:
Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off and come out looking great.
Severe Weather Radio:
A handy device that sends out messages from the National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds creepy.
Tornado Siren:
A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.
Storm Cellar:
A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to rats and snakes.
May-June:
Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.
July-August
Tourist season in Alberta, when people are tired of Rodeo stuff like Bronc Busting or riding Brahma Bulls by the name of Twister...
Barometric Pressure:
Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time.
Cars:
The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car... unless everybody on the road decides to do the same thing, and then you're in grid lock.
A Ditch:
Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.
Mobile Home:
Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado will find it.
Earthquake:
What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of severity than face a tornado.
Tornado:
What any Oklahoman or Albertan would rather go through on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.
Twister:
Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny and unrealistic.
Power Flash:
One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time must-see t.vs.. and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.
And, here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:
"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means it'll be a week.
"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart-Mart.
"It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.
"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha ha ha ha.
And the BIG TIP of the day: When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once.
1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.
And 2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.
`
Drum Problem
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
`
You Make Me Laugh
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 Forward to a Friend Free Newsletters
Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
`
Payment Plan
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
`
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
`
Judy, these are just too funny! I think your jokes are better than mine on Slice of Wry. Thanks for all your posts.
Larryj
Better Preaching
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
`
Monday, September 7, 2009
ATM Correction
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
Tuesday, September 8
Civil War Re-enactment
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
`
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Car Cow Sale
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........
BASIC COW...............................$500.00
Two tone exterior..........................$45.00
Extra stomach...............................$75.00
Product storing equipment..........$60.00
Straw compartment....................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00
Leather upholstery......................$125.00
Dual horns.....................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
`
Pink Humvees
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began. One renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker: "Ask me about Mary Kay."
`
Potato Problem
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
`
Noah's Camels
Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."
"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."
"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.
"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third.
"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."
`
Monday, September 14, 2009
Soft Seven
A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
`
Wedding Blessing
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests
`
Happy Songs
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
`
Location Question
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
`
Window Seats
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"
A Fresh Bowl of Home Made Soup!
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl.
"No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
Failing Eyesight
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.
She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.
When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"
Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."
"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.
The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Got the Munchies?
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.
"Hello, who is it?" she asked.
"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.
"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.
"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."
"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.
Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.
`
Kitchen Help
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."
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Mailbox Problem
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."
TODAY'S LAUGH
Stop Biting Your Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My William used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
Strange Headlines & News Bloopers
The Door is the Window to the Home.
Air Force to Get New Uniforms: New Camouflage Really Stands Out
We're offering the best hearing aid money can buy at unheard of low prices.
Weather Conditions to Determine When Rain Will Stop.
Man minus Ear Waives Hearing
Lawmakers Back Train Through Iowa
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Test Crash
As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.
A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"
The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the TV, 2 were on the phone."
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"
Shopping Bags
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* :angel:
Cleaning Job
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
Received in an e-mail:
To all of us "old timers" and "soon to be old timers" as well as anyone in the medical profession...take note...never jump to conclusions:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong, too!"
Mom's Phone
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"
Have Some Vegetable Soup
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
He called the waitress over and said,
"It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
:angel:
The End is Near
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
:angel:
Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
:angel:
Circles
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," remarked one of the trainees.
"Don't be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."
:angel:
To Be 6 Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye opened she said "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
:angel:
Psychology Course
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!" :angel:
Parking Solution
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
:angel:
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms.Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived
them all!
:angel:
Monday, October 19, 2009
Found Cell Phone
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Horseshoe Look
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
:angel:
Computer Repair
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.
:angel:
Sarahella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
:angel:
Found Wallet
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"
:angel:
Fan Help
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me as the son you never had."
Cadet Sign
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom." :angel:
Worst Horse Ever
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk." :angel:
Kitten Revival
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."
:angel:
1-800-45TEACH
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
:angel:
What's your Handicap?
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and
wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could to play.
"Sure," said the Pro, " But what's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the pro who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. And so it went all day.
The 18th hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man uncredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."
:angel: ::)Think this is for our golfing friends.........LOL. Judy
Blind Date Slap
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
:angel:
Dewey Check
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
:angel:
Mechanic Applicant
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.
:angel:
Leaky Pipe
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.
"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!" :angel:
Approval Letter
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.
"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.
"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to Toyota".
:angel:
Transcribing Confusion
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
:angel:
First I Got
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."
:angel:
Starting To Date
Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."
:angel:
Flight Observation
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
:angel:
New Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Monday, November 16, 2009
One Hard Question
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
The student was admitted to the University.
:angel:
Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.
Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."
I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.
"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."
"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"
Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."
"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."
:angel:
I Hope I'm Sick
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Jones?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
:angel:
Waiting for Dark
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
:angel:
Fair Tax
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.
"I know," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
:angel:
Young Patient
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
:angel:
Tennis Ball Lesson
A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
40 Year Difference
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"
:angel:
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A Simple Explanation of Baseball
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
:angel:
Friday, November 27, 2009
Rabbi Returns
I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.
I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."
The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.
"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"
:angel:
Umbrella Blues
John Smith took his collection of disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Two days later, on his way to work, he got up to leave the bus and absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him.
"Stop, thief!" cried the woman, and at once she rescued her umbrella, and covered him with shame and confusion.
Later that same day, John stopped by the repairer's shop and received all ten of his umbrellas repaired and working fine. As he entered the bus, with the umbrella bundle in his hands, he was horrified to behold the lady of his morning misadventure, scowling at him.
Her shrill voice cut straight through him, as she charged, "Had a good day, didn't you?!"
"No, madam," replied John. "A good day would not include you twice."
:angel:
Proud Grandmother
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..." :angel:
Foot Snuggle
On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze.
"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote
:angel:
The Chief's Wife
"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
;D :D :) :angel:
Crocheted Dolls
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
:) :angel: :D :angel: :)
Hoofing Santa
Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative's house.
They said yes.
So I got in the minivan and went to the relative's house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.
"Son, you better behave or Santa won't bring you any presents."
My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,
"Mommy Santa's walking home."
;D ;D :D :D :angel:
Check The List
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.
As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.
So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.
As she settled into the car, her face dropped.
"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.
Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
;D
December 11, 2009
Legalese Night Before Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
(Author unknown)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:D ;D
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"
;) :o :angel: ;)
Docudrama
A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster--an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Scwarzenegger and offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.
"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."
The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"
There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."
:angel: :angel: :D :D :angel: :angel:
Chocolate Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds; now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night "In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel: :D ;) :angel:
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
;D
Christmas Riches
Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.
Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.
Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."
Then it hit me.
I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."
:angel: :D ;D :D :angel:
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.
In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!
Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!
:angel: ;) :D ;D :angel:
:-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ Sounds like something I would do. Thanks, Judy.
Larryj
Organizational Changes at
the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel: :D :D ;) :) :angel:
Something For Mom
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
:D
Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1.) I really don't deserve this.
;D ;D ;D
The Night of Christmas
!!!MERRY CHRISMAS!!!
'Twas the night of Christmas, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation! So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!
I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...
HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!
;) ;) :angel: ;) ;)
TODAY'S LAUGH
Maybe It Was Her Cell Phone
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed . . .
"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"
;D ;)
The Congregation Replied
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
:angel:
December 29, 2009
Directions
A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.
We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.
"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas." :angel:
Summer Job Hunt
My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.
I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
He said, "A self-starter!"
:D
Drug Store Questions
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
;) ;)
Dog Calls
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
;D :angel:
January 4, 2010
Bosses Night
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
;)
Rain or Shine
It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.
"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.
Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.
Baby Talk
What your baby would tell you if he could talk:
1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.
5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.
7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?
15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?
16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
50 Years from Now
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"
;)
Wake Up!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...
"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"
;D
Monday, January 11, 2010
Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests might be.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Vacation Offer
A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.
"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.
"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what the other reason was.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."
:)
Dangerous Cargo
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH! ;)
Bath Note
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.
"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.
Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.
By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.
Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.
I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love,
Your Mom ;)
Library Argument
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
:D :angel:
January 18, 2010
Bear Flight
During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.
As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."
;) :angel:
Plane Programming
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. ;D :angel:
Hiccup Cure
A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.
"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!"
;) :angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Crosswalk Home
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Engine Trouble
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:D :angel:
Cake Make Up
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.
;D ;)
Ask Jeeves
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
:angel:
Ship Movie
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'
One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."
"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."
;) :angel:
Finally
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have." :D :angel:
Store Safety
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
:D :angel:
January 29, 2010
Dog Growth
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
:angel:
Rustic Dining
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time." ;D
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Reading Glasses
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read." :angel:
Cinnamon Rolls
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."
:angel:
Dear Dog
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
;D :angel:
Shirt Note
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Newborn Utterance
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
:angel:
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Sister Repair
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
;D ;) :angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Family Dinner
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
February 15, 2010
Pants Dilemma
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
:angel:
Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Sick Call
Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments.
Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Frobisher, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I made myself clear?"
A week later, Mr. Frobisher slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, an elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care.
An hour later, Dr. Wilson walked in, saw his condition, and exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"
:angel:
Note From Judge
During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"
:P ::) ;)
Nice Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Prescription Labels
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.
It read:
"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."
;D :angel:
Wire Guard
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.
"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."
:P :'( :o
10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
:angel: ;)
What's for Dinner?
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
:angel:
Babysitting
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
:angel:
Horse Looking
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.
Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."
"He doesn't look good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.
The man insisted, "I think he looks good and I'll up the price to $1000!"
"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!"
The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
:angel: ;)
School Notes
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
:angel:
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
Planting Time
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."
:angel:
Laundry Comments
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
:angel:
Allergy Medicine
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.
Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.
That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.
:angel:
Watch This
A C-130 Hercules cargo plane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
:angel:
Never Be Late
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.
"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Conductor Problem
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.
Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
:angel:
Flight Booking
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
:angel:
One Sunday morning,
a pastor decided to do something a little different.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word and you are going to
help me preach. Whatever
single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'
Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said
'POWER..' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The
Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total
silence.
Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to
say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a
little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
'Precious MEMORIES.'
New Car
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.
While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.
Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the church bulletin?"
:angel:
School Days
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
:angel:
Zookeeper's Dilemma
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of "mongoose."
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese."
No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
:angel: ;)
Mom's Special Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Collapse and call the baker for delivery.
;D :D ;) :angel:
Lunch and Learn
The company I work for sometimes holds "Lunch and Learn" seminars for employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flyer came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)
Looks like that question's been answered ..........
:angel:
Locked Out
First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.
As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."
;D
Tax Reform
At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they thought was the most fair and equitable.
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it."
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Dad Knew
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom,
"Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"
And my mom said, "He does."
:angel:
Yellow Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
:angel:
Prenatal Visit
A couple was making their first visit to Dr. Mike Wilson prior to the birth of their first child.
After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me.
:angel:
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wallpaper Jobs
Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yeah," said Buffy, "So did I."
:angel:
Hot Shot Pilot
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
:angel:
Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
;) :angel:
No Gun Hunting
There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.
"Do you have a knife?"
"No," says the guy.
"Do you have a club?"
"No," says the guy.
"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."
The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.
Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.
Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!"
They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.
Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."
:angel:
Toy Advice
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"
:angel:
Last Marathon
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
;D
Trip Tickets
Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Frobisher.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
:o :angel:
Coast Guard Keeping
My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.
However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"
"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."
:angel:
Wilderness Trip
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.
An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."
:angel:
Measuring Hunger
"The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed.""
:angel:
Enlisting Choices
""Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."
"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."
"But I don't want to be a pilot."
"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."
Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either.""
:angel:
Forklift Economy
"After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.
Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."
"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.
"About $5,000," the owner replied.
"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"
:angel:
Get Me Out!
"My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice."
:angel:
Robber Visit
"A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
:angel:
*Let's See If I get Anything*
My eldest daughter got married at the end of last summer and is now in the process of contacting various agencies to update their records with her new last name. Yesterday she e-mailed and shared with me the notice she sent to the government's student loan agency.
To Whom It May Concern:
You have me in your records as Alyssa Davis, Social Insurance Number
I got married this summer and am assuming my husband's last name. Please update your records to reflect my new name: Alyssa Sampson. I am including a copy of my marriage certificate, and if there is anything else you need please contact me to let me know.
I met my husband at university, so in a way Student Loan played a role in us meeting, and we are very grateful. If you would like to send money in lieu of a gift to congratulate us both, you may use the banking information you currently have to do so.
Sincerely,
Alyssa Sampson
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Kitchen Wizard
"My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
:angel:
Taking Down the Flag
"My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.
One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag come down, they both looked up.
The flag had already been taken down."
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Lost Bible
"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
:angel:
Family Album
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.
My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.
She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."
:angel: :P :angel:
Toaster Request
When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.
Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Stockbroker's Secretary
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
:angel:
Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?"
:angel:
Scientist's Convention
In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.
"Where are you from?" the one asked.
"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Earth" was the answer.
"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel: ;D
Daily Devotional
April 30, 2010
Honestly
READ: Proverbs 12:17-22
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are His delight. -Proverbs 12:22
Today is National Honesty Day in the United States. It is a little-known designation for April 30, but an important one nonetheless.
Author M. Hirsh Goldberg established National Honesty Day in the early 1990s as a way to honor the honorable and encourage honesty. He said that April 30 was selected because "April begins with a day dedicated to lying [April Fool's Day] and should end on a higher moral note."
Honesty Day would be a good time to review the value of this trait according to God's Word. Honesty is not as easy as it seems-but we please God by striving for it.
An understanding of honesty begins with recognizing that God-our ultimate example-is truth (Deut. 32:4) and that He cannot lie (Num. 23:19; Heb. 6:18). Also, He hates falsehood (Prov. 6:16-19). Beyond that, all lies have as their originator Satan himself (John 8:44).
For our part, we can use these Scriptures as our guide: "A righteous man hates lying" (Prov. 13:5); love rejoices in truth (1 Cor. 13:6); lying is part of the old nature (Col. 3:9); growth means setting aside deceit (1 Peter 2:1); and speaking truth declares righteousness (Prov. 12:17).
Let's make every day Honesty Day. - Dave Branon
Help me, dear Lord, to be honest and true
In all that I say and all that I do;
Give me the courage to do what is right,
To bring to the world a glimpse of Your light. -Fasick
People who trust God's Word should be people whose word can be trusted.
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Determining Your Course of Action
"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise." Psalm 57:7
When I was in college, I kept a motto on my desk that said,
"He who would not fall down ought not to walk in slippery places."
Keep yourself clean.
Keep yourself pure.
Watch what you set before your eyes.
There needs to be discipline. Job said, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon a maid" (Job 31:1). If we are to have a walk of purity in obedience to God, we must determine ahead of time what our course of action will be.
One big decision will take care of a lot of little ones.
Are you going on a trip alone any time soon? If so, make the decision right now to keep your walk pure and holy for God's glory.
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Read: Ephesians 3:14-21
To grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. - Ephesians 3:18
TODAY IN THE WORD
Poet Malcolm Guite, in his piece entitled O Radix (O Root)muses on Christ, the Root of Jesse: "Now we have need of you, forgotten Root; The stock and stem of every living thing; Whom once we worshiped in the sacred grove; For now is winter, now is withering; Unless we let you root us deep within; Under the ground of being, graft us in." Guite's poem points us to Paul's prayer for the Christians in Ephesus. They share similar sentiments, knowing that the love of Christ must be deeply rooted in our hearts, and we must be deeply rooted in Christ's love.
Paul wrote his letter during his imprisonment in Rome. He understands what it means to need strength in your inner being, to hunger for the fullness of God's love. Verses 14 through 19 consist of Paul's robust prayer for his brothers and sisters. He makes three petitions. First, Paul prays that the same power that raised Christ from the dead would fortify the believers (v. 16; cf. 1:19-20). The desired result is that Christ would be rooted in their hearts.
Second, Paul prays that the Christians would have the ability to comprehend the incomprehensible love of Christ (v. 18). Paul's phrase is mysterious and paradoxical. How can one know something that is beyond knowing? Paul suggests that to know God's love involves more than intellectual assent to an abstract concept. Paul wishes that the believers in Ephesus would grasp in their hearts that God loves them personally and intimately, immeasurably and eternally.
Paul's third prayer request is that they would be completely filled with the fullness of God (v. 19). He desires that their knowledge of God would reflect fully who He is and what He has done. The idea of the fullness of God also reminds us of Isaiah's vision of God filling the temple in Isaiah 6. A doxology or hymn of praise flows from Paul's intercession (vv. 20-21). Paul affirms God's extraordinary power to answer this prayer more than could be imagined.
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TODAY ALONG THE WAY
As our study of God's love ends today, let us adopt Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as a prayer for our own lives and the lives of others. Try inserting your name or the names of others into the prayer as you pray today. For example, "I pray that you, Jeff, may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Spend extended time today in prayer for yourself, your loved ones, and those around you who do not yet know Christ in a saving and transforming way.
GOD BLESS!
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Monday, May 3, 2010
Manservant
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
:angel:
Sermon Feedback
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.
An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
:angel:
Windshield Wiper Quit
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
:angel:
10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing
-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.
-- The bill came with payment coupons.
-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.
-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"
-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.
-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.
-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.
-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.
-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"
-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:
"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Friday, May 7, 2010
Bagel Shop Student
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.
My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.
"Yeah, you was my English teacher."
Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
:angel:
Curfew
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyone under seventeen years of age.
He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven." His father said.
:angel:
Scared vs. Apprehension
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.
He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
:angel:
Comments Never Heard At Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
:angel:
Caught Sleeping
Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of these excuses.
*********************************
They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
Gosh, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Actual Signs
Bucharest Hotel Lobby - "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable."
Leipzig elevator - "Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up"
Belgrade elevator - "To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order"
Paris elevator - "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Athenian hotel - "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of....."
Moscow Hotel - "You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday."
Austrian ski hotel - "Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
Swiss menu - "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Polish menu - "Salad of firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Hong Kong dress shop - "Ladies have fits upstairs."
Rhodes tailor shop - "Order your summer suit because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Germany's Black Forest - "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason."
Swedish furrier - "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Japanese detour sign - "Stop: Drive sideways."
Swiss mountain inn - "Special today - no ice cream."
Copenhagen airline office - "We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Budapest zoo - "Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Acapulco hotel - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
Japanese air conditioner - "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
Tokyo car rental firm - "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour."
Norwegian cocktail bar - "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Stolen Goat
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
:angel:
New Phonetic Alphabet
The same old standard phonetic alphabet (which you would use to describe spelling "Wilson" as "Whiskey, India, Lima, Sierra, Oscar, November") has been used by aircraft pilots, police, and many others for many years now.
So, I finally decided to come up with something a bit more "original" for those people who bother me:
A Are
B Bee
C Cite
D Double-U
E Eye
F Five
G Genre
H Hoe
I I
J Junta
K Knot
L Lye
M Me
N Nine
O Owe
P Pseudonym
Q Queue
R Rap
S Sea
T Tsunami
U Understand?
V Vie
W Why
X Xylophone
Y You
Z Zero
People don't ask me to spell anything over the phone anymore.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Shakey's Cure
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
:angel:
Parachute Training
While attending US Army's Airborne School.....
The Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter.
After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"
:angel:
Sunday Drive
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Why Ask Why
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Larryj
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Two Plus Two
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
:angel:
Dead Politicians
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
:angel:
Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up, so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
SPELL CHECQUER
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
:angel:
Quotes From 11 Year-Olds' Science Exams
The following are all quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
One Seat Allowed
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
:angel:
You're not a kid anymore when....
1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.
6. You are proud of your lawnmower.
7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
9. Your highschool diploma is the color of buttermilk.
10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.
15. Someone breaks wind and you don't laugh.
16. You're always asked to say the blessing.
17. When you talk about "good grass", you're referring to someone's lawn.
18. Soaking your feet in Epsom Salts is a heavenly experience.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You've seen Halley's Comet...twice.
21. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.
:angel:
Vampire Bat
A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
:angel:
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Smart Bully
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.
and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
:angel:
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Magician and The Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Bungee Jumping
Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border. They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business. By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.
Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.
John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed. John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds. The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.
Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.
John replied, "I'm not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"
:angel:
Healthy Life
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.
One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in jail for?"
Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery
1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...'
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Friday, June 25, 2010
Children Under Ten
Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10.
You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if you don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Scout's Letter Home
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 2 of our tents and 4 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Web got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Dave
:angel:
This is part of the Senior devotions today. I thought this was a good place to put it. Just shows
God has a good sense of humor. Or, he sent a woman.................we could take this and really have some fun with it.
Have a good day and remember God loves YOU!
Rolf Zettersten once wrote in Focus on the Family magazine:
"A good friend in North Carolina bought a new car with a voice-warning system. ... At first Edwin was amused to hear the soft female voice gently remind him that his seat belt wasn't fastened. ... Edwin affectionately called this voice the 'little woman.'
"He soon discovered his little woman was programmed to warn him about his gasoline. 'Your fuel level is low,' she said one time in her sweet voice. ... He figured he still had enough to go another fifty miles, so he kept on driving. But a few minutes later, her voice interrupted again with the same warning.
"And so it went over and over. Although he knew it was the same recording, Edwin thought her voice sounded harsher each time. Finally, he stopped his car and crawled under the dashboard. After a quick search, he found the appropriate wires and gave them a good yank.
"He was still smiling to himself a few minutes later when his car began sputtering and coughing. He ran out of gas! Somewhere inside the dashboard, Edwin was sure he could hear the little woman laughing."
Believers must learn that the little voice inside, the Holy Spirit, even if ignored or disconnected, tells them exactly what they need to know. Jesus said, "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:26).
:angel:
Tourist Questions
Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists"
On nature...
How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk' ?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh"
Are the bears with collars tame?
Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
Are there birds in Canada?
On geography...
Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
How far is Banff from Canada?
What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
On tourist facilities...
Do they search you at the B.C. border?
When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
Where can I buy a racoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they?
Are there phones in Banff?
So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.
Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
Is that 2 kilometres by foot or by car?
Don't you Canadians know anything?
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
July 1
The Vet and The Doc
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
:angel:
Isn't Aging Fun?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half ".... You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens.... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.... you BECOME 21...YES!!!
But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40..... stay over there, it's all slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday.... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn't end there.... into the 90's you start going backwards.... I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
:angel:
Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."
"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"
After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was the mess sergeant. "It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
July 04, 2010
Daily Devotionals By Oswald Chambers
One of God's Great "Don'ts"
Do not fret- it only causes harm -Psalm 37:8
Fretting means getting ourselves "out of joint" mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say, "Do not fret," but something very different to have such a nature that you find yourself unable to fret. It's easy to say, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him" ( Psalm 37:7 ) until our own little world is turned upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people. Is it possible to "rest in the Lord" then? If this "Do not" doesn't work there, then it will not work anywhere. This "Do not" must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty, as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work for anyone else. Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.
Worrying always results in sin. We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry are simply an indication of how wise we really are, yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are. Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way. Our Lord never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God's plans. Fretting is wickedness for a child of God.
Have you been propping up that foolish soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God to handle? Set all your opinions and speculations aside and "abide under the shadow of the Almighty" ( Psalm 91:1 ). Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you. All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.definite and specific thing to him. The effect of Isaiah's vision of the holiness of the Lord was the directing of his attention to the fact that he was "a man of unclean lips." "He touched my mouth with it, and said: 'Behold, this has touched your lips; your iniquity is taken away, and your sin purged' " ( Isaiah 6:7 ). The cleansing fire had to be applied where the sin had been concentrated.
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The Motive of Faith
When speaking of faith, it is critical to talk about the motive of our faith. James 4:2-3 tells us what a wrong motive is,
You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.
God is very concerned about the "why" behind our prayers of faith. He is very interested in the state of our hearts. And I think it is good to check our motives from time to time.
Why do we want what we want? Is it ego driven? Am I asking for it because I want to impress someone? Are my motives right?
Now, you don't have to overdo it. You can overanalyze things to the point that you become spiritually frozen and don't do anything. I think if you will get honest and lay your heart out before God, He will very quickly put the spotlight on the things that should not be there.
Our dog always stands at the back door and scratches on the glass like he really loves us and wants to come in and be with us. But the moment you open the door he runs right by you into the kitchen looking for food.
Why do you want the thing you want? What is the purpose behind asking? Is it for the glory of God? Is it to help people? Is there a pure motive there?
When your motive is right, God will not be long in answering. But if your motive is not right, God won't answer until it gets right.
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Read: Psalm 7:1-17
Morning by morning he dispenses his justice, and every new day he does not fail. - Zephaniah 3:5
TODAY IN THE WORD
The Old Testament was originally written in the Hebrew language, and the two words translated "justice" and "righteousness" often appear together. We often associate them with punishment for wrongdoing, but this doesn't capture the entirety of these biblical words. Righteousness and justice are also about "being right, doing right, and putting things right" relationally, socially, and politically. According to one Bible scholar, righteousness is about "God re-establishing right order in the fallen world." These words occur in today's passage as we continue contemplating God's character.
As seen before, God is our refuge, shield, savior, and deliverer (vv. 1, 10). The middle of Psalm 7 is saturated with words like "justice," "judge," "righteousness," and "righteous" (vv. 6-11), revealing more dimensions of who God is. He is both ruler and righteous judge; He decrees justice and expresses His wrath daily. Psalm 7 teaches that the LORD judges all people righteously according to the integrity of their minds, hearts, and actions (vv. 3-5, 8-10). The outcome includes eliminating the violence of the wicked and establishing the righteous (v. 9).
Psalm 7 emphasizes God's righteousness as the measure of evaluating our own righteousness (vv. 8, 9). God's people are to live in a way that exemplifies the justice and righteousness of God in their relationships with other people. For example, in verse 5, the psalmist says if I have treated another person unjustly, then let the victim be vindicated. Yet, the psalmist argues that he has acted with righteousness (v. 8). He beseeches God to confirm that he has imitated God's righteousness in his own relationships.
The fulcrum of Psalm 7 is the declaration of God as righteous judge (v. 11). The beginning of Psalm 7 affirms that precisely because God is not capricious or unjust, He is able to be a trusted shelter and redeemer (v. 1). The psalm ends with thanksgiving and praise in response to His righteous judgment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY ALONG THE WAY
Psalm 7 is certainly turned outward-"let the LORD judge the peoples," but it is also turned inward-"judge me, O LORD" (v. 8). It is always easier to cite God's righteous judgment in reference to the sins of others; accepting God as our own righteous judge often proves uncomfortable. Today let us come before God in humble confession, inviting His Spirit to search our hearts for unrighteousness (Ps. 139:23-24). Then let's rejoice in the assurance of our pardon in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1-2).
GOD BLESS!
:angel:
Anthill Golf
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
:angel:
I'M NOT OLD...JUST MATURE
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure, But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today Are so high that they take...your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, I'm not really old...I'm only mature.
~Author Unknown
:angel:
, July 8, 2010
A man goes skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
:angel:
Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Truth About Children
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
:angel:
You Know You're Really A Mom When . . .
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
5. Your child throws up and you catch it.
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.
10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.
17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Today I didn't Do It
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
:angel:
$100.00 Please.
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00.
:angel:
Progressive Motherhood
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your new-born's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
:angel:
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
:angel:
Boy Scout Survival Tips
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Politically Correct Football
The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the coming season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
:angel:
Pessimistic Friend
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?".
"I sure did," responded his friend, "He can't swim".
:angel:
3 Expectant Fathers
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.
The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team.
A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M.
The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
:angel:
More Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
:angel:
Religious Lady On The Plane
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
:angel:
:D :D :D
Two in one day---------thanks Judy
Larryj
Bangety Bang Bang
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'".
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.
More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The enemy keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
:angel:
Just A Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
:angel:
Wood Cutter
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
:angel:
Reasons Not To Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example:
Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
:angel:
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
:angel:
;D ;D
Good one, Judy. Thanks.
Larryj
Why Parents Get Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
:angel:
In The Park
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
:angel:
Before And After Falling In Love
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Lucy and Ricky
A - Fred and Ethel
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - Don't stop
A - Don't start
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - Is that all you're having?
A - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
B - Wheel of Fortune
A - Jeopardy
B - Its like I'm in a dream
A - Its like he's in a dorm
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - Turbo charged
A - Jump start
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Idol
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Iambic Pentameter
A - Blank Verse
B - Oysters
A - Fishsticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
B - Passion
A - Ration
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
A Father's Method
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
:angel:
Speeding Stories
*PULLED OVER*
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop.
The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
*WHY ME?*
My friend Walt was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"
"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.
"Yes," Walt replied.
"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"
*SPEEDING*
The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they Decided to just give him a season ticket.
*TWO SPEED CORVETTE*
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL SPEED."
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to A screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who Had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, "Mister, I've been Waiting for you all morning..."
Nick replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"
:angel:
Alabama Boy
Two boys are playing football in Huntsville, Alabama, when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a big board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Alabama Crimson Tide Fan Rescues Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Alabama Crimson Tide fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry -- since we're in Huntsville, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Auburn Tigers Fan Rescues Friend From Deathly Attack," he continues in his notebook.
"I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone who lived in the Alabama area was either for Alabama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
:angel:
Shopkeeper's Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE
:angel:
My father was in the dentist's chair having a root canal done. Every so often, the dentist would stick a large toothpick-like object into the tooth's canal to see how far he had drilled. Each time, this thing caused my father great pain, but whenever he complained, the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn't hurt -- it's just a measuring device."
This happened a couple more times. Again my father complained -- again he got the same response. Finally my father sat up in the chair, took all the stuff out of his mouth, and looked straight at the dentist. "Excuse me for a moment," Dad said. "I have to go out to my truck, get my tape measure, and whack you in the head with it. It shouldn't hurt, though. It's just a measuring device."
::)
Priest's Uniform
A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform" went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?". The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work".
The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?" The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform.
On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him "Do you know what these words say?
The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do". The priest a little taken aback then replies, "OK then, tell me what they say".
The little boy then replies, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months."
:angel:
Small Town Justice
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
:angel:
Will to Remember
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
:angel:
Sorry I'm Late Mom
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
:angel:
"If it" Office Advice
If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it is a friend, take a break.
If it is the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it is handwritten, type it.
If it is typed, copy it.
If it is copied, file it.
If it is Friday, forget it!
:angel:
Tired of Rejection?
Tired of being rejected for jobs - maybe this form letter will come in handy.
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely, [Your Name]
:angel:
The Cowboy's New Car
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart alec Tex" said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back"
"Not Tex" said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted "Audi, partners!"
:angel:
Acts 2:38
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"
The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."
:angel:
Chet's Graduation
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet.
At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Chet graduate, let Chet graduate!"
The principal agrees to give Chet one last chance.
"If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Chet, how many apples do I have?" he asked.
Chet thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."
At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Chet another chance. Give Chet another chance!"
:angel:
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH ARIZONA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
:'( :angel:
Sorta brings a tear to you eye, don't it?
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden Retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
:angel:
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money.?
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
:angel:
Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
:angel:
Gladys Pun
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"
:angel:
A Diet For Dealing With Stress
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
:angel:
Job Impressions
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
:angel:
Payment Plan
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
:angel:
This post instantly reminded me of the Pete and Gladys sitcom show on TV in the early 60s.
Pete, played by Harry Morgan, was a regular on an earlier 50s sitcom called "December Bride," which starred Spring Byington. Pete was a next door neighbor who frequently came over to visit her son and was always complaining about his flighty wife Gladys. Gladys, however, was never seen on the program. I began watching "December Bride" only to see Pete. He was a standout actor and very funny.
Apparently, in those days the TV folks waited for a show to die before they began a spin off. In the spin off "Pete and Gladys" show, Gladys finally made her appearance and everyone tuned in to see what kind of person Gladys was and what she looked like.
Pete was played by Harry Morgan who later replaced McLean Stevenson as the officer in charge of the doctors in the MASH sitcom. I was really disappointed when, in his 80s, he was arrested for beating up his wife.
Harry Morgan also played on Jack Webb's Dragnet. Not sure what his name was but
he was Jack Webb's assistant.....or detective what ever it was called..........way back
when......think in the 60's.
I didn't know he was abusive that is sad.
He got diversion - after six months of classes. At the time, he was 81, wife was 70.
Fridge Magnet Smiles
You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens.
Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones:
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.
There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!
:angel:
More Actual Classified Ads
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
To the Rescue!
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
:angel:
Parrot Auction
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
:angel:
Junior's Nickels
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Friday, September 17, 2010
Dog Breeding Made Absurd
~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Pastor to the Rescue
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
:angel:
Future Son In Law?
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in!!!
:angel:
Future Son In Law?
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
:angel:
Parenting Test
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your Bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
:angel:
John Will Be fine
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
:angel:
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Bad Headlines
~ March Planned For Next August
~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See
~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
~ Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
~ Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
~ War Dims Hope For Peace
~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
~ Man is Fatally Slain
~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
~ House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
~ Police Discover Crack in Australia
~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
~ William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary
~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
~ Hershey Bars Protest
~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish
~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit
~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
Out Of This World Bait
My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
:angel:
Cowboy & The Preacher
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
:angel:
Johnny's Dust
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
:angel:
Half Joking Pastor
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
:angel:
Skipping School
The local high school has a policy that the parent's must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
:angel:
Spelling Help
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"
:angel:
Too Late to Date
After the death of a never married 94-year old spinster of his parish, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings. In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders:
"There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
:angel:
New and Improved
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."
"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it
:angel:
Church Hopping
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.
Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
:angel:
Newbie Preacher
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."
:angel:
Great Eyesight
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defence lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
:angel:
Bear Hunting Preacher
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet:
Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
:angel:
Learned in Yale
A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.
One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.
The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"
"Yale," the man answered.
"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.
"What's your name?" he asked.
And the man answered, "Yackson."
:angel:
Now, Now Ellen
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
:angel:
Mom, Send Money
A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, "Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the kid.
So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mum said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000 out to him"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
:angel:
Setting the Table
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
:angel:
Be Careful Following the Crowd
Another true life story for the Funnies...
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Super Golf Ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats.
I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
:angel:
Flower Switch
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"
:angel:
Academic Phrases and Meanings
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"... once "In case after case"... twice "In a series of cases"... thrice "It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
:angel:
Get Your Own
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But, God added, "now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
:angel:
When I was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
:angel:
3 eggs - 50 years
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep- inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts.
That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered "yes."
"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."
The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"
His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."
:angel:
Dead Horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
:angel:
The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
:angel:
Stuffed pockets
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
:angel:
Three gifts
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"
:angel:
Children At The Dinner Party
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.
The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.
As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
:angel:
Perfect Pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
:angel:
The Perfect Church Design
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvellous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvellous!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
The Envelope Please
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
:angel:
The message said, ..."Prepare three envelopes."
God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I'm going to be a Bible scholar." he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
:angel:
Gifts for Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.
:angel:
Successful Ice Fishing
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm' is the reply.
'I'm sorry, what did you say?'
'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm' the successful fisherman repeats.
'I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you.'
The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly, 'You've got to keep your worms warm.'
:angel:
Turkey Hunting
Some people REALLY love Christmas. Me, I love Thanksgiving.
Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.
Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!
:angel:
Last Minute Turkey
It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."
:angel:
Blah Blah Blah
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
:angel:
Think!
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:
"THINK"!
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:
"THOAP!"
:angel:
Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
:angel: :angel:
Child Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retired and they moved to Florida.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retirement and says I should work hard so I can be retired some day, too. when I earn my retirement I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
December 3, 2010
Grandmother on the Stand
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across he room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
:angel:
Charity Better than Expected
Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.
When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"
:angel:
Goober with a Pager
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Rules for Writers
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don't use no double negatives.
12. Proffered carefully to see if you any words out.
:angel:
No Wonder English is So Hard to Learn
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
:angel:
Reindeer Gender
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a girl.
We should've known when they were able to find their way.
:angel:
FROLIC Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
:angel:
Hoofing Santa
Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative's house.
They said yes.
So I got in the minivan and went to the relative's house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.
"Son, you better behave or Santa won't bring you any presents."
My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,
"Mommy Santa's walking home."
:angel:
Parents' Night Before Christmas
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
December 20, 2010
Legalese Night Before Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
(Author unknown)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Self Serve Christmas
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.
In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!
Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
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Praying For Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
:angel:
Take Out For Lunch
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.
As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.
So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.
As she settled into the car, her face dropped.
"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.
Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
:angel:
Christmas Explained
The other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the terra cotta Nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.
"This is an Activity scene," he said to the dragon.
"It's when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep."
:angel:
Who Gets the Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
:angel:
Sisters at the Superbowl
Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
:angel:
Potential Company Mergers
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
:angel:
Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
:angel:
Pop Rocks
Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
:angel:
Screaming patient
A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
:angel:
Frugal - to save
Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.
Her paper read:
Frugal: to save
Sentence:
Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.
She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"
:angel:
No Matter What
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute!
We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
:angel:
Hi Tech Watch
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies "Sure, which country?"
The fella asks "How many countries have you got?", to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."
The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries."
:angel:
Comedians' Convention
Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the funnymen shouted out numbers--"56!" "923!" "307!" Each time a number was called, the others would laugh and laugh.
Finally he asked his host, "What are the numbers for?" The other man explained, "Oh, we've been coming to these conventions for so long, everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and then save time by using the number alone."
ENDING #1: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, and that he would try it himself. So the next time there was a pause, he stood up and called out, "468!" The others roared with laughter. He waited, then called out, "22!" and again everyone roared. Then he called out, "829!" and there was a dead silence--all except for one guy in the fourth row, who laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and rolled on the floor, seemingly unable to stop.
The visitor poked his host and whispered, "How come he's laughing and the others aren't?"
The host whispered back, "Oh, that's because he never heard that one before."
ENDING #2: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea...so he stood up and called out, "468!" and no one laughed--there was a dead silence. Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and said condescendingly, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
:angel:
Planning Ahead
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
:angel:
Merchant Captain
One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.
They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'
:angel:
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!". The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!".
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...'Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN".
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man
:angel:
Ah, Newlyweds
There are never any secrets!
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
:angel:
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:
"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
:angel:
Logic Amongst the Sciences
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
:angel:
What Does That Mean?
Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy. As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.
Levi whispered, "what does that mean?"
Jimmy replied, "unfortunately -- nothing!"
:angel:
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HYMNS AND PRAISE CHORUSES
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand I was to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' well, that would be a praise chorus."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Choruses vs Hymns
A young, new Christian went to his local small town church one weekend. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different." said the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well, it's like this--if I were to say to you 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yes those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed So look to that bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a Hymn.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Who's the Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
:angel:
More Insurance Claims
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
:angel:
Nervous Bride
Apparently this is a true story.
A woman in her forties got married but was bit nervous about her honeymoon. The people in the church wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture: 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love, but perfect fear casts out all fear")
But someone omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read: John 4:18. ("The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.)"
:angel:
Signs You are Broke
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
6. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
9. Your bologna has no first name.
10. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
11. Sally Struthers sends you food.
12. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
:angel:
Golf desire
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy.
"You've already moved most of the earth."
:angel:
Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
:angel:
Amazed dentist
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good Grief!" he said startled.
"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
:angel:
The Coat Hanger. . .
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had
locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she
called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You
might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left
on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys
in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use
this.'
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a
beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy,
bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was
desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said,
'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and
I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you
use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You
are a very nice man.'
The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison forcar theft and
have only been out for about an hour.'
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'
Is GOD GOOD, or what?
:angel:
Bible Confusion
The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.
Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry: "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"
:angel:
Busy Doctors
More and more doctors are running their practices like assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
:angel:
Funny Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
:angel:
Church Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph didn't have private health cover.
2. The Biblical proof that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most Churches.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who "don't" know the seating capacity of a pew
:angel:
Zoo Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?"
:angel:
Bedroom Traffic
On their way home from attending an church service, little Johnny asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?"
"Yes, darling," his mother answered.
"And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?"
"Yes, dear," his mother replied.
"Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?"
:angel:
Training Exercise
While practicing autorotations during military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up the landing and landed on its tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
:angel:
Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
:angel:
Optomist's Hunting Dog
Friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.
One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continually pessimistic way of thinking - the optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water.
His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.
They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.
The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"
The pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?
:angel:
Hurts to Touch
One day, a goober was constantly complaining about how everywhere she touched her body, it hurt.
Her grandma told her to go and see a doctor.
Once there, the goober explained to the doctor how everywhere she touched, it hurt.
She said... "If I touch here, it hurts, if I touch my arm, it hurts, if I touch my foot, if I ..."
The doctor gave her a complete physical and then delivered his findings.
Her finger was broken.
:angel:
In Need of Prayer
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.
The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.
So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."
:angel:
Exam By Chance
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true/false type statements.
The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.
The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
:angel:
The Good Old Days
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
:angel:
There's Teacher
The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher; she's dead."
:angel:
Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says,
"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
:angel:
Pastors' Good News/Bad News
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show", "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Lost Snack
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
:angel:
Efficient Breakfast
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
:angel:
Liberal Headlines
If Biblical Headlines were written by
Today's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
:angel:
Bump Start
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
:angel:
Melanie is Watching
One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said "I did that by accident."
She replied "I know that....'cause you didn't say JERK afterwards!"
- Nancy Spinning, Used with Permission
:angel:
You Make Me Laugh
Dish Shopping
When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.
After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.
The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.
The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.
It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.
:angel:
How To Interpret Employment Ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Read Carefully
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
:angel:
Jonah Test
A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for "big church." The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"
Then the pastor asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The pastor then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
:angel:
What Am I?
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
:angel:
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
:angel:
Call To Mom
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
:angel:
Ungrateful Son-In-Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
:angel:
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
:angel:
Pull Over
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop.
The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.
She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her chequebook, should learn of the incident.
Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
:angel:
Tycoon Banter
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".
:angel:
Late For Sunday School
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
:angel:
What Is That?
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don't recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar - it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what on earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
:angel:
Tip Revenge
A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
:angel:
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!
:angel:
Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole
:angel:
$100 Coffee
A street person approached a passer-by and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"
"That's ridiculous! Do you think anyone would really pay that much for a cup of coffee?" said the man.
"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled.
"I don't need a lecture about how to run my business."
:angel:
The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
Strawberry Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
:angel:
Lost Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Management".
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Cruising
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."
6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Miscellaneous Ponderings
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
April 12, 2011
Daily Devotionals By Oswald Chambers
Complete and Effective Dominion
Death no longer has dominion over Him. . . . the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God . . . -Romans 6:9-11
Co-Eternal Life. Eternal life is the life which Jesus Christ exhibited on the human level. And it is this same life, not simply a copy of it, which is made evident in our mortal flesh when we are born again. Eternal life is not a gift from God; eternal life is the gift of God. The energy and the power which was so very evident in Jesus will be exhibited in us by an act of the absolute sovereign grace of God, once we have made that complete and effective decision about sin.
"You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you . . ." (Acts 1:8)- not power as a gift from the Holy Spirit; the power is the Holy Spirit, not something that He gives us. The life that was in Jesus becomes ours because of His Cross, once we make the decision to be identified with Him. If it is difficult to get right with God, it is because we refuse to make this moral decision about sin. But once we do decide, the full life of God comes in immediately. Jesus came to give us an endless supply of life- ". . . that you may be filled with all the fullness of God" (Ephesians 3:19). Eternal life has nothing to do with time. It is the life which Jesus lived when He was down here, and the only Source of life is the Lord Jesus Christ.
Even the weakest saint can experience the power of the deity of the Son of God, when he is willing to "let go." But any effort to "hang on" to the least bit of our own power will only diminish the life of Jesus in us. We have to keep letting go, and slowly, but surely, the great full life of God will invade us, penetrating every part. Then Jesus will have complete and effective dominion in us, and people will take notice that we have been with Him.
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What's Your Motive?
The Bible says in James 4:3,
You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.
James says that you ask, but you do not receive, because you ask amiss. The word amiss here comes from the Greek root word that means to harm or to injure. His point is: God will not grant you anything that is going to harm or injure your spiritual life, whether in the short term or in the long term.
When you pray, God is looking out for your best interests.
But then he also said, You ask amiss that you may spend it on your pleasures. The word pleasures has the idea of sensuality, which means, if I am asking for something just to stroke my fleshly ego, then I short-circuit the prayer by my wrong motivation.
For example, it is great to pray for a car. I live in Southern California where we need a car to get around. And I think God will give you a car that you like. After all, the Bible says He gives us richly all things to enjoy. Jesus said, "Ask, that your joy might be full." So I think God wants us to be happy, and He generally has no problems granting your request for a car you would like.
Yet some people go a step beyond that, and their real motivation is, "Man, I want that car because I would look good in that car! If I came to work in that car, I would really show up so-and-so. People would think I'm pretty fine if I had that car. If I had that car, the chicks would dig me."
Be careful when you pray to not slip over into a motivation that is not really pure. Because you will short-circuit your faith and you will not receive an answer-except "no".
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Read: Luke 9
Take nothing for the journey. - Luke 9:3
TODAY IN THE WORD
While it's easy to focus on Jesus' dramatic miracles and confrontations with the Pharisees, His most significant ministry-apart from our salvation-is found in His relational mentoring and teaching of His twelve closest disciples. A classic article in Discipleship Journal titled "If Jesus Led Your Small Group" suggests key principles based on how Jesus led His own "small group" of unlikely future church leaders. These principles include preparation or setting aside dedicated time, modeling what you say, room for questions, a safe atmosphere or forgiveness for failure, mutual friendship (rather than know-it-all authoritarianism), and flexibility.
We see these principles in today's reading. Luke 9 seems to focus more on these personal dimensions of Jesus' ministry. When He sent out the Twelve, it's as if He were saying, "Here, you take the wheel." This was a powerful and encouraging experience for them, so much so that Jesus afterward took them on a ministry debriefing retreat. When the crowds interrupted, He was disappointed that the disciples seemed to doubt He could do something as simple as provide lunch. His miracle told them once again that He was the Son of God. The leaders and crowds had varying opinions, but He wanted His disciples to have no doubts about His identity. With divine help (Matt. 16:17), Peter boldly declared that Jesus was "God's Messiah" (v. 20).
Discipleship is a journey filled with highs and lows. There are moments of exhilarating insight, as in Peter's confession. There are moments of beholding God's glory, as at the Transfiguration. There are also times of shame and suffering as we live counter to the world's priorities. Giving one's life for Christ's sake is part of what it means to be His disciple (vv. 23-26, 57-62). Following Him must be our absolutely top priority. Thankfully, it's about God's strength, not our own, for there will be times when we fail (as when the disciples couldn't cast out an evil spirit) or embarrass ourselves (as when they argued about who was the greatest). Once we've put our hand to the plow, though, there's no turning back!
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APPLY THE WORD
It is possible to understand some spiritual truths but remain clueless about others. Though Peter knew exactly who Jesus was, he didn't grasp what Jesus told him about the suffering and death He would soon undergo (vv. 22, 44-45). Though the disciples had experienced Jesus' power, they didn't grasp that this power was for love and service, not conquest or revenge (vv. 51-56). We must trust that God is the One who enlightens our spiritual understanding at just the right times.
GOD BLESS!
:angel:
Cats
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
"One cat just leads to another."
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
:angel:
Aging
~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.
~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down
:angel:
Cub Reporter
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.
One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."
:angel:
Laws of Life
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
:angel:
10 Most Wanted
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
:angel:
Diet Additive
During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products.
She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.
The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"
:angel:
Work Virus
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
:angel:
Lost In Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
:angel:
Beware of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.
He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
:angel:
Rookie Landing
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.
Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
:angel:
Rapid Promotion
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad.
:angel:
Putting the Cat Out
A couple is going out for an evening on the town.
When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house.
Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab.
The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother."
A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!"
:angel:
Texas Vacation
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Dan!"
He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Dan simply will not ask for directions."
:angel:
May 2, 2011
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??
:angel:
Smile For the DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
:angel:
It Might Be Cleaner
After trying for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,
"GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"
My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,
"You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"
:angel:
Boys In Hospital
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first.
"Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
:angel:
Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 Years To Learn
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
5. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
8. You should not confuse your career with your life.
9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
:angel:
Who's The Expert?
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
:angel:
Dishwashed Verse
Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, This isn't a man's job.
Oh yes, it is, his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:
I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.
:angel:
Kiss The Mirror Good-Bye
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem:
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
:angel:
Pastor Jim's Bungee Jump
Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.
"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungee jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."
Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."
Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.
When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "Guys, what is a Pinata"?
:angel:
Three Chairs
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers.
"Three cheers for the Baptists!"
:angel:
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
:angel:
The Tie
A man goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him.
"Sorry sir, you need to wear a tie to enter".
So the man goes back to his car and looks around, but there's no necktie to be found. So he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle about.
He goes back to the restaurant, where the waiter says, "Well, OK, you can come in......
....Just don't start anything."
:angel:
Enemies in the West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
:angel:
I can't stop laughing today, having caught up on the last few entries. The bungee jump entry was especially funny!
Thanks Judy
Larryj
New Employee Travel Policy
Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
LODGING:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
TRANSPORTATION:
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
MEALS:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should utilize all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
MISCELLANEOUS:
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits.
FEEDBACK:
As always senior management is interested in your feedback on these proposals. Please e-mail them to head office and they will be carefully reviewed after we return from the senior management motivational retreat in Italy.
:angel:
Sermon Feedback
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.
An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
:angel: :angel:
More truth here than you know. When I was a kid, the Methodist preacher's wife wrote all his sermons.
Larryj
No. 5 Bus
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
:angel:
Cat Sale
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
:angel:
Forgetfulness
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said,
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
:angel:
Wake Up Call
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!", I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
:angel:
Golf Beginner
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great !" NOW you tell me!"
:angel:
Chicken Neighbour
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
:angel:
Reversal of Fortune
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget?
Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Belinda.
xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery
:angel:
Noah Glue
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again.
Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
:angel:
Kiss The Mirror Good-Bye
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem:
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
:angel:
Great Writing
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
:angel:
Ravine Golfing
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed his 8-iron and proceeded down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searched diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spotted something shiny. As he got closer, he realized that the shiny object was in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben screamed out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I've got big trouble down here."
Thomas came running over to the edge of the ravine and called out, "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouted back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
:angel:
Hasty Departure
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,
"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Wrong Guard
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears..
"I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"
After shaving my arm pits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
:angel:
For Sale Sign
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.
It says, "HORSE for sale."
:angel:
More Incorrect
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager.
"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
:angel:
Bear Hunting
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
:angel:
Getting To Heaven
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
"Dead!", one boy yelled.
:angel:
Buy A Verdict
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
:angel:
Hostage Situation
Do you know anyone in your office like this?
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.
One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."
:angel:
Positively Wrong
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
:angel:
Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, ... We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
:angel:
The Half Cake Diet
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
:angel:
Parenting Tip
Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.
"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
:angel:
Tips On Love
*Tips On Love From Those That Should Know*
(all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10)
*What is the proper at to get married?*
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)
*What do most people do on a first date?*
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 10)
*When is it OK to kiss someone?*
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally,9)
*The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?*
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette,9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny,7)
*Concerning why love happens between two particular people.*
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan,9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
*On what falling in love is like.*
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo,7)
*On the role of good looks in love.*
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)
*Concerning why lovers often hold hands*
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)
*Confidential Opinions About Love*
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love-I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina,10)
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
:angel:
Paid For Standing
The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.
The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"
The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man:
"Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"
Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.
"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"
"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager,
"He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Too Late To Date
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
:angel:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Larryj
Muddy General
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
:angel:
Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
$4000 Hearing
An elderly man inquired of his wife about a recent, large expense.
"Well yes I bought this new hearing aid, dear." his wife replied.
"How much did it cost, dear?," he asked.
"Four thousand dollars," she said.
"Four thousand dollars! Why would you have to pay so much for a hearing aid?", he exclaimed.
"It's a wonderful hearing aid. Why I can hear everything around me. I can make out everything that people are saying around me even from the other side of the room."
"Really? What kind is it?"
"It's five-thirty," she said checking her watch. "Why?"
:angel:
Whale Speak
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'
:angel:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Good one! Thanks, Judy.
Larryj
In My Day
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
House Call
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
:angel:
Buying Shoes
A man walked into a shoe store, and tried on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replied the man.
The assistant promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk said.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
:angel:
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
:angel:
Late For Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and aware that all eyes were upon him said,
"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. I nearly killed myself."
His boss replied skeptically, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
:angel:
Dad and Baby
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
:angel:
Dog Applicant
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Signs Found In The Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
:angel:
Beautiful! Can't wait to show these to my wife! She is going to love them. Thanks!
Larryj
Animal Thoughts
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? I DON"T THINK SO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
:angel:
Good Guess
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
:angel:
Pulpit Humor
There was this Lutheran minister who served a predominately German congregation for years. Pastor Heinz enjoyed telling Norwegian jokes from the pulpit, much to the delight of his flock.
One year, Heinz was transferred to a predominately Norwegian congregation and the first Sunday, he told a typical joke from the pulpit. After the service a deacon approached and said that perhaps he should reconsider his choice of humor as some of the people may be offended. Pastor Heinz apologized, saying he would break this habit.
One day, while reading his Bible, Heinz came across a story of the Amalekites and had an idea. He approached the Deacon and asked if he could tell an Amalekite joke.
The Deacon said "I suppose that would be okay, I don't think we have any Amalekites in the congregation."
Next Sunday, Pastor Heinz was getting into his sermon and said, " This reminds me of a funny story, seems there were these 2 Amalekites, Sven and Ole..."
:angel:
Parenthood
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Loved this last one Judy--I now have lived long enough to be a problem to MY children!!
Brightness In Action
*I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.
*My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
*I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair, the whole thing looking like an extra from "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
*I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person, who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
*The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors
THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT: It never spoils.
LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Politically Correct Statements
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
:angel: ;D
That Line Thing
If you work with someone like this, you have my condolences.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?"
And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
:angel:
Cave Soliciting
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
:angel:
I've Got Shingles
A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
:angel:
Car Wars
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini Cooper also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Mini Cooper owner that his was the best car that money could buy.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the Mini Cooper owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Mini Cooper again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Mini Cooper. After a few moments, the Mini Cooper owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).
"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.
The Mini Cooper-man responded:
"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Good Old Dave
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."
:angel:
Seen Signs
These signs might not communicate what was hoped for.
On a California freeway: Fine for Littering
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewellery store: Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
:angel:
Mummy Heart Failure
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
:angel:
Takes One To Know One
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
"Why not?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
:angel:
Peter's Portrait
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor.
He took one look at my brother and said, ok A Plus
:angel:
New Russian
I just returned from a mission trip in Belarus, where we were building churches.
My translator and guide was Eger. He told me "Dos-Vee-Don-Ya" and "Pa-Ka" were old-hat. I needed to get with the times and say good bye the modern way.
We were designing 7 churches and at the end of the meeting with each one I told them the new phrase I had learned "Val-EE-Et-Suda." I could tell by the look on their faces they were quite impressed with my Russian.
However the very last Pastor I met with took me to the side and said, "Robert why do you keep telling each Pastor to "Get Lost" at the end of the meeting?
:angel:
Double Talking Dentist
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist.
"That was the echo."
:angel:
Know Your Friends
One day, a little boy visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage the boy's arm.
"I think you'd better bandage the other arm, doc!", said the boy.
"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it."
"Doc, you really don't know anything about how my friends behave!"
:angel:
Measuring Up
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =3D 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 3D 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
BEST POEM IN THE WORLD
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
JUDGE NOT!!
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil...
It has no point!
:angel:
Judy, I love it. So true.
Turn Clunk
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.'
He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation,
"Removed bowling ball from trunk".
:angel:
SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!'
:angel:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Larryj
Don't worry if your work is hard and your rewards are few. Remember the mighty oak was once a nut like you.
- Unknown (submitted by goldenfireangel)
:angel: :laugh:
Paid To Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
:angel:
Looking For Barney
A four year old was at the paediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
:angel:
Trouble At The Zoo
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
:angel:
Women's Anti Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles of pop
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:
STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds. ;)
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Judge's Watch
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"
"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
:angel:
Cat Allergy
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
:angel:
Sunday Lollipop
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.
"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."
"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."
"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
:angel:
Eating Worms
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
:angel:
Mother's Intuition
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.
My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.
I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
:angel:
Punctuation
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
:angel:
The Upper Hand
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
:angel:
Time Travel
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
:angel:
Light Confusion
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.
His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Dog Exercises
You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Questions
A man took his son fishing one day. After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions.
"How does the boat float?" he asked.
The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son."
"Well, how do fish breath underwater?"
The man scratched his head. "I guess I don't know the answer to that one either."
"Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted.
The father replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions. "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?"
His father immediately reassured him. "No, of course not, son! If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
Colonial Break
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.
Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
:angel:
Doll Play
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course.
The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice.
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
:angel:
Curve Hand
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.
Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.
Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.
About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,
"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
:angel:
Freezer Order
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."
If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."
That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."
:angel:
Wedding Cake Verse
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...
"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
:angel:
Lumberjack
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
:angel:
Hearing Aid
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
:angel:
Visiting Friends
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby)
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
In our guest room
It's been three weeks now --
Are you leaving us soon?
We'll all miss your snoring
And carrying on,
But please--
Won't you go back
To Boca Raton?
:angel:
Murphy's Laws for Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers
:angel:
Who Am I?
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
The Haircut
A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
:angel:
Impressive Dinner
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
:angel:
Vice President Pride
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
:angel:
Captain Discipline
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.
Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.
I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,
"Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
:angel:
Crossing the Road
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says,
"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
:angel:
Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
:angel:
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
But Daddy
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
:angel:
Yard Sale Anger
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
:angel:
Kid Quotes
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
:angel:
Puppy Love
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
:angel:
Do Something Nice
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
:angel:
Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.
"You left with seven."
:angel:
Roast Woes
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.
"Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
:angel:
Sewing Machine Ad
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
:angel:
New Home No Hears
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band "Grave Robber" holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
:angel:
Turtle Accident
Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?
One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.
As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed. A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy. "What happened?" he asked.
The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."
:angel:
Travelling Too Light
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
:angel:
Fed Up
Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests.
With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says, "When they walk home from my house, they're all doubled-over."
Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers, "From your house they can walk?"
:angel:
Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
:angel:
New Convert Help
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.
He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.
The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."
Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.
Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"
:angel:
Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
:angel:
Yes, We Have No Chocolate
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
:angel:
Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
:angel:
Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
:angel:
No More Gators
While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said.
"The sharks got 'em."
:angel:
It has been a tough week for several of you and I thought you might enjoy a little giggle on this Fabulous Friday! Love you!!!
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalms 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalms. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalms 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL: A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS: When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the
food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
:angel:
Newlywed Breakfast
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Scott the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
:angel:
Out of the Loop
Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.
"Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning."
"Very good, thank you."
"May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse.
"This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"
:angel:
911 Sees All
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
:angel:
Reward Change
A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
:angel:
Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
:angel:
Blessed Be The Tie
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink.
The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?"
"No!" The first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!"
So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina.
He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and get some water?"
The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie."
:angel:
4 Waiting Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"
:angel:
Bigger and Bigger
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
:angel:
Prayer Postions
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
:angel:
Servicemen Foot Race
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
:angel:
Tough Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
:angel:
Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."
:angel:
Cheap Rhymes With Jeep
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"
:angel:
Singing in Church
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want
you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation
began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang
"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at
each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing
"PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
:angel:
Christmas At Martha's
Dear Friend
This perfectly delightful note is being sent in paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peach and mauve's. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any neighborhood Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.
Your Friend, Martha Stewart
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.
:angel:
Chocolate Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve...
'til I take that first bite!"
:angel:
Christmas Riches
Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.
Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.
Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons,"
"The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."
Then it hit me.
I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."
:angel:
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
:angel:
Sermon Interpretation
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."
:angel:
Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
:angel:
I Know About Santa
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
:angel:
Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
:angel:
'Twas the Night Before Finals
T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the sports field,
There were some throwing,
In hope that some exercise
Would get their brains going.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:
"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
:angel:
Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.
We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
--"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that."
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!."
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"
:angel:
The 12 Bugs of Christmas
Too many of us have had to deal with software problems and support like this!
The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version
1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
:angel:
Gifts For Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
:angel: :D ;)
Tie Conspiracy
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
:angel:
Country Puddle
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
:angel:
Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
:angel:
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
:angel:
Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
:angel:
Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
:angel:
Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
:angel:
Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
:angel:
Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
Sick Days
It was the toughest experience of my life.
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
:angel:
Foreign Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
:angel:
Lots of Kids
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
:angel:
Tim Robbed
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
:angel:
Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
Fred turned to his wife.
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic
:angel:
Cat T-Shirts
If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say.
"Purrfection cannot be improved"
"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"
"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."
"Take my advice. I'm not using it."
"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."
"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."
:angel:
Walking Out
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
:angel:
Lawyer Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
:angel:
Tea For Two
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.
"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:
"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"
:angel:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Larryj
Owl Friend
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
:angel:
Rejected Invitation
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
:angel:
Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
:angel:
visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."
:angel:
When Life Poops On You- Lori Freeland Christian Blog
Last week, I had coffee with my friend, Gloria, before a lunch conference six miles away from her house. After an energetic conversation, I slid into my car pumped about my novel and excited about the 12:30 meeting.
My clock read 12:02.
Before I drove off, I realized I forgot her food processor, I'd been meaning to take it off her hands since before Christmas. I left my keys in the ignition, didn't bother to shut my door, and dashed back into her house.
When I returned, a large gray bird had taken up residence on my dash.
The clock read 12:06.
Still plenty of time to coax the bird out of the van and make it to the meeting on time. Gloria and I opened all the doors, called to the bird, pleaded with the bird, and negotiated with the bird. Problem was the bird thought he'd fly straight out my front window. Through the heavy glass.
After watching him butt his head for five minutes, Gloria reached in and encouraged him to hop toward the driver's side door. Wild wings flapping, he had a massive panic attack.
When birds freak, guess what they do?
That little guy pooped all over my dash, all over my steering wheel, and all over my leather seat. When he finished defiling the entire front section of my van, he flew out the door. Gloria had a stash of Clorox wipes handy. By the time we mopped up the mess, my whole car smelled clean. And orange.
The clock now read 12:33.
Six miles in four minutes? Wasn't going to happen. A little flustered, I typed in the address for the restaurant in my GPS, and left. Ten minutes later, my GPS shouted—Destination on the right. I squinted through my sunglasses. I'd pulled up to a vacant lot.
The clock taunted me at 12:39.
Because I didn't have one phone number plugged in my cell for any of the five people I was meeting, calling was not an option. I had amazing forethought that way. If I forget to write down information, I always needed it. If I kept a painstaking detailed note, I never used it.
Sometimes life poops on you. Right in the middle of a major upswing, just when you have your stuff together, and you've made plans. Your day is going places. Then along comes the bird.
I could have freaked, let the upset ruin my day, and accepted the anxiety that came with the mishaps and the ticking clock. Sometimes the little things mess me up, steal my joy, set me up for failure. And those little things take me by surprise because I'm not prepared for the pebbles when I'm expecting rocks.
Luckily, my friend Linda had my number. She called, rerouted me, and I did get to have lunch. And two diet Cokes. I told my story over lunch and laughed about the bird's incontinence and the fact that my GPS is geographically challenged.
When life poops on you—and it will—brush it off, move on with your day, and find something to laugh about. Find your joy in Someone solid, sure, and unshakeable. "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song" (Psalm 28:7 NIV).
:angel:
You are a lousy cook if....
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yoghurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.
:angel:
Sick Day
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" he asked.
"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
:angel:
Landing Check
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?" I asked.
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
:angel:
Lunch On The Bank
A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
:angel:
Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
:angel:
Ahh . . . Friendship
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
:angel:
Shoe Coverup
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
:angel:
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . .
didn't give a sh***t one way or the other.
:angel:
Tips For Student Pilots
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
:angel:
Vacuum Manure
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
:angel:
Why Teachers Go Gray
These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
:angel:
Pygmy Hunter
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
"I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
:angel:
Marriage Wakeup
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."
:angel:
Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:
"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."
:angel:
Pierced Ears
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
:angel:
Workin' on the Railroad
Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:
"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.
"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."
This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"
"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"
:angel:
Yesterday Computer Song
Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
:angel:
Questions Asked at National Parks
*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
*Mesa Verde National Park:*
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
:angel:
Yes, Always Officer
A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
:angel:
Trading Caps
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
And this one's even better because it locks..."
:angel:
As far as I am concerned the best "tiny improvement" made in any vehicle was when some of the manufacturers began tethering the gas gap to the gas filler door with a small piece of plastic "string" so that it did not have to be placed anywhere when filling up.
I have seen others that have a place to put the cap on the inside of the filler door, which is good also but does not beat the plastic string that keeps one from losing the cap.
Supporting a Family
Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.
"There are twelve of us..."
:angel:
I'll Testify To That
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
:angel:
Headlines from 2050
Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
TexasExecutes Last Remaining Citizen
BaltimoreRams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally
Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role
:angel:
Do It Yourself
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
:angel:
Celebrating The Raise
My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.
The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.
As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.
However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."
:angel:
Grandpa's Manners
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.
The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa.
"How else can I catch my teeth???"
:angel:
Bagel Storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
:angel:
Black Snake
It was the first camping experience for Jed.
As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
:angel:
Beauty Cosmetics
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet."
:angel:
Eclipse Memos
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
:angel:
Young Man's Disorder
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.
"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.
"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"
:angel:
Cats and Dogs
*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
*AND*
*Mind Games for Dogs*
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
:angel:
Shy Visit To The Dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?" No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
:angel:
Mother Quotes
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
What Mom's Really Want
Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...*
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"
And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....
Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison
:angel:
Things I've Learned From My Children*
01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.
:angel:
Doily Box
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
:angel:
Banking Woes
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
:angel:
Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if your still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.
Hazards attract, fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
:angel:
New Survivor
*Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?*
* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".
:angel:
How to write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.
23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
:angel:
The Wedding Dress
Betty was soon to be married.
More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.
Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.
When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.
Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.
Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."
"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.
"I used to fit into that dress!"
:angel:
Pretzel Charity
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
:angel:
Know Your States
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
:angel:
Dictionary of Project Terms
*Dictionary of Project Terms*
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
:angel:
Good News
*Good News*
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far at all.
The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
:angel:
Call Me Leroy
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.
On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh? What is yer name?"
Leroy replied "Leroy"
The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"
Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!
The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"
:angel:
Taxi Grad
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."
:angel:
Judge's Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
:angel:
Back Seat Johnny
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
:angel:
Control Seminar
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
Looks like that question's been answered ...
:angel:
Texas Cruise
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
:angel:
The Importance of Proofing
~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
~ In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
:angel:
Visiting Grandma
Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.
"You're coming empty handed ... ?"
:angel:
Some Things You Can't Escape
A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
So not to be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back roads until he reached his wife's house.
When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed,
"You lousy bum! Where have you been? You escaped more than six hours ago!"
:angel:
Flower Request
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
:angel:
Country Refreshment
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
:angel:
From the Beginning
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
:angel:
Amish Law
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The Amish man said, "No."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"
:angel:
Office Culture
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
:angel:
State of the Pastor
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
:angel:
No Stairs
An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
:angel:
Tournament Weather
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
:angel:
Wake Up Call
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
:angel:
Collateral
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
:angel:
Military Intials
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
So I did.
:angel:
ID Card
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it" was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."
:angel:
The Definition of Golf
*GOLF, n.*
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
Everything I Needed To Know In Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle
Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see above).
The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.
:angel:
Babysitting
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
:angel:
SPCA Rescue
"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?"
"Yes."
"I want you to send somebody over right away."
"What's wrong?"
"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."
:angel:
Retirement Savings
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.
Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"
Abe says, "Do I care?"
A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
Abe says, "Who cares?"
A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."
:angel:
Self-Evident Truths About Pets
* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
* Dogs shed, cats shred.
* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
:angel:
Fishing Wife
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
:angel:
Long Living
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
:angel:
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
:angel:
Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
:angel:
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
:angel:
Summer Camp
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring! an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?
:angel:
Age Question
A college professor asked his class a question.
"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."
:angel:
Strange Problem
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said.
"You have way too much time on your hands!"
:angel:
Forgetting Something
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:
"Daddy, where's Mommy?"
:angel:
Black Snake
It was the first camping experience for Jed.
As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
:angel:
Sunday Compliment
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
:angel:
Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
:angel:
Smile For the DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
:angel:
Excerpts from A Dog's Diary
Excerpts from A Dog's Diary:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
:angel:
Housework Challenged
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Auburn."
:angel:
Friends Like That
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
:angel:
Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
:angel:
Chair Philosophy
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
:angel:
House Points
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
:angel:
Alternative Baptism
As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek. With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.
Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service. Naturally, I accepted.
The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything. When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment. The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot. I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip. I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.
Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation.
The curtain was down only to the top of the glass! An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.
:angel:
Resume Blunders
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
:angel:
Political Correctness For Kids
Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."
Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.
:angel:
Memo Differences
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
How hot is it?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
:angel:
Eulogy
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."
:angel:
Simple Operation
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
:angel:
Bonus
Here's hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
:angel:
Name Warning
On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.
"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."
:angel:
Pearl Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
:angel:
Super Dress
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"
:angel:
Colonial Break
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.
Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
:angel:
Who Am I?
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
:angel:
Freezer Order
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."
If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."
That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."
:angel:
Sunday Service
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
:angel:
Buy a Puppy
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded,
"I think it's a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
:angel:
Selling Bibles
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very
serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened
and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three
volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed
money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to
volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned
their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some
bibles.. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local
farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by
his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING
TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He
sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to
find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked
Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.' 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister
said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman
and the Church is indebted to you.' Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how
many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and
sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional
salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected.' The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is
indebted to you.' Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and
said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it
and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed.
'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just
nodded. 'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We
are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as
many bibles as we could.' 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the
minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie.' Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really
do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
:angel:
Moving Smith
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
:angel:
Seen in the Cafeteria
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail addy and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.
:angel:
Waiting For Years
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."
:angel:
Hashing It Out
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."
:angel:
Honeymoon Toast
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
:angel:
Gorilla Sundae
A gorilla walked into a drugstore and ordered a $1.50 chocolate sundae. He put a ten-dollar bill on the counter to pay for it.
The clerk thought, what could a gorilla know about money? So he gave the gorilla a single dollar bill in change. As he did, the clerk said, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
"No wonder," the gorilla replied, "at nine dollars a sundae."
:angel:
Impressions
A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."
When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.
Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
:angel:
2 Words
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 word were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."
:angel:
Three Rules
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
:angel:
A Great Job
A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."
:angel:
Pregnant Stamp
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
:angel:
Career Cooling
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
:angel:
Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
:angel:
Marriage Wakeup Coffee
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."
:angel:
The Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:
"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."
:angel:
Working on the Railroad
Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:
"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.
"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."
This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"
"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"
:angel:
Yesterday's Computer Song
Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
:angel:
Geneticaly Modified
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
:angel:
Trading Gas Caps
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
And this one's even better because it locks..."
:angel:
Supporting the Family
Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.
"There are twelve of us..."
:angel:
It Might Be Cleaner
After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,
"GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"
My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,
"You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"
:angel:
These are so f-u-n-n-y! Thanks, Judy, for brightening up the day.
Larryj
The Substitute Teacher
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
:angel:
Memos For An Eclipse
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
:angel:
A Young Man's Disorder
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.
"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.
"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"
:angel:
A Guide to Investments
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
:angel:
Cats Vs. Dogs
*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
*AND*
*Mind Games for Dogs*
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
:angel:
A Shy Visit To The Dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?" No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
:angel:
A Mother Quotes
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
:angel:
What Mom Really Wants
Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...*
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"
And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....
Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison
:angel:
Things I Learned From My Children
*Things I've Learned From My Children*
01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.
:angel: cccc
The Doily Box
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
:angel:
*Golf Meditations*
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if your still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.
Hazards attract, fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
:angel:
The New Survivor
*Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?*
* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".
:angel:
How to write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.
23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
:angel:
Wedding Dress
Betty was soon to be married.
More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.
Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.
When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.
Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.
Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."
"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.
"I used to fit into that dress!"
:angel:
The Pretzel Charity
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
:angel:
Knowing Your States
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only
13."
:angel:
A Dictionary of Project Terms
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
:angel:
Some Good News
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far at all.
The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.
On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh? What is yer name?"
Leroy replied "Leroy"
The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"
Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!
The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"
:angel:
Taxi Graduate
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."
:angel:
The Judge's Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
:angel:
Back Seat
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
:angel:
Signs of A Long Sermon
Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!
:angel:
Understanding the Signs
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
:angel:
The Military Computer
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.
To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"
The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"
:angel:
A Subway Drop
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"
"I did," answered three men at once.
"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."
:angel:
The Black Canyon Biker
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
:angel:
Finally Heard
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
:angel:
Boys In the Hospital
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first.
"Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
:angel:
Time Travel
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
:angel:
Swim of Love
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter.
So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the goober who pushed me into that pool!
:angel:
Light Confusion
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.
His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."
:angel:
Watergate Bug
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.
The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!" he shouts!
Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
:angel:
Dog Exercises
You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.
:angel:
Questions
A man took his son fishing one day. After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions.
"How does the boat float?" he asked.
The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son."
"Well, how do fish breath underwater?"
The man scratched his head. "I guess I don't know the answer to that one either."
"Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted.
The father replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions. "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?"
His father immediately reassured him. "No, of course not, son! If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
:angel:
Doll Play
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course.
The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice.
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
:angel:
Curve Hand
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.
Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.
Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.
About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,
"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
:angel:
Wedding Cake Verse
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...
"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
:angel:
Lumberjack
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
:angel:
Hearing Aid
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
:angel:
Visiting Friends
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby)
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
In our guest room
It's been three weeks now --
Are you leaving us soon?
We'll all miss your snoring
And carrying on,
But please--
Won't you go back
To Boca Raton?
:angel:
Murphy's Laws for Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers
:angel:
The Haircut
A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
:angel:
I want to thank you, Judy, for making my day start off so nice. If I have to laugh so early in the morning, I feel better! :laugh:
Larryj
Doctor's Writing
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.
Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.
It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.
And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
:angel:
Impressive Dinner
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
:angel:
Captain Discipline
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.
Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.
I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,
"Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
:angel:
Vice President Pride
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
:angel:
Mellowing Mom
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
:angel:
Crossing the Road
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says,
"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
:angel:
Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
:angel:
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
:angel:
But Daddy
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
:angel:
Yard Sale Anger
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
:angel:
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.
:angel:
Kid Quotes
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
:angel:
Sewing Machine Ad
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
:angel: :angel:
Turtle Accident
Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?
One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.
As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed. A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy. "What happened?" he asked.
The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."
:angel:
Fed Up
Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests.
With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says, "When they walk home from my house, they're all doubled-over."
Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers, "From your house they can walk?"
:angel:
New Convert Help
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.
He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.
The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."
Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.
Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"
:angel:
Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
:angel:
Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
:angel:
Judy, thank you for posting these.They always give me a lift.